Your Weekly Antics - Wisemen-less Camel Edition...12-22-22

As I sit here enjoying the glow of my artificial Christmas tree I contemplate all that's left to do in order to get my act together and pull off Christmas. Three quarters of the coffee pot consumed from my fabulous new What the Elf mug, I'm feeling fairly good about myself and thinking many out there still haven't begun their Christmas prep and I come to this...it’s crunch time people... you’ve got 2, count them 2 shopping days until you’re doing your shopping at CVS at 5pm Christmas Eve. I hope for your sake and for the sake of those CVS employees who will be stuck there in the store wasting their valuable holiday time watching you screw up at the self check out, that you’ve gotten your act together. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Out doing the work of the people this week I found myself driving along the back roads of Rutland when I run across this, Exhibit 1. Being the naturally curious person that I am, I had questions, and lots of them. For starters…check out the sign…who the hell is Cass? If Cass has been moved, then who the hell is this? Why is he alone? Shouldn’t he be in a dessert? Is he cold? Shouldn’t he be wearing a camel coat to protect him from the harsh elements that is New England weather? Where would one purchase a coat to fit a camel? Why is he out in the field alone? And then it dawns on me…

O – M – G… this is Christmas week, has he been dissed by the Wisemen? What is his story???

2. As all good ESW employees do, I check in with my Supervisor – in the event I go missing or locked in someone’s basement, it would be good for her to know where to start looking…that is if anyone noticed I went missing in the first place. I share with her the picture of my wisemen-less friend that I have now determined has been out there in that field looking over an empty manger waiting for the big day, when I decide to send her a picture of said Camel just hanging out, I’m assuming, far from home. As any good Protective Services Supervisor would do, she couldn’t leave it alone, let me have fun with this one, she instead did some research and got the skivvy as to exactly what this camel’s story is -

3. According to Robyn’s inside sources, this camels name is Marvin. Cass who is spoken of in the sign, is Marvin’s friend who has since been relocated to another farm owned by their keepers. Then....there was a third camel Joshua who passed away. Now here’s our first mistake…including Parenteau in on this group text because now she’s concerned for the mental stability of Marvin the Camel who’s alone, wisemen-less and without his camel friends during Christmas week. What does she do when she’s worried for the well being of those she cares about? She pulls out her beads – I’m not going to ask her to confirm this because we know what we know and we know that she designated a bead to poor lonely Marvin. Don’t ask questions, just take our word for it…Marvin has a bead. If you really had to, I'm sure you could contact Billy to confirm this.

4. It’s the holidays. It’s Christmas week and Hanukkah is in full swing. People struggle during the holiday season, who’s to say that animals aren’t also burdened with similar afflictions that those of us upright mammals suffer from. Here’s where things get interesting…our sources tell us that not only is Marvin the camel smack dab in the middle of a field in the geographical center of Massachusetts, but come to find out, he lives at a Brewery. I’m thinking that the pressure from losing his brother Joshua, being separated from his buddy Cass and being dissed by the three wisemen may have been enough to send poor Marvin over the edge causing him to succumb to the drink – that’s right, he may be hitting the bottle which would explain his poor decision making that fine day when wandering so close to the gate. Far fetched you think? I think not. What I do think is that Marvin was d-r-u-n-k, but in the spirit of Christmas, let's not judge him.

Exhibit 2, my second favorite celebrator of Hanukkah, and coincidentally, also a Margolis.

5. Here's another thought...here's Marvin, minding his own business having a few drinks and next thing you know, he's going to be saddled with a baby. Doing his due diligence hanging out in this field waiting on the Wisemen and hoping for the return of his friend Cass, he's stuck in the middle of nowhere watching over that empty manger. No one gave him any details. No one made a plan. The Wisemen just assume Marvin's got nothing better to do but sit around waiting for the likes of them to show up with gold, frankincense and myrrh, all items of no use to a camel, and because they're bringing him gifts they expect him to drop everything and take care of a baby on Christmas Eve? This is not Grandma's house people, Marvin's got things to do like rethink his life choices as well as his friend group. This is a big week. Not only Christmas Eve, Hannukah and Christmas, but tomorrow is Festivus. Marvin's got plans.

6. Festivus... celebrated as an alternative to the pressures and commercialism of the Christmas season; the airing of grievances; feats of strength; raising of the Festivus pole. We all have plenty of grievances to air these days, so let loose. Will do your body and mind some good to get all that pent up aggravation from the past 12 months that have only been exasperated by the hustle and bustle that has been Christmas shopping. Air them tomorrow kids - come the wee hours of December 24th you will be expected to spread Christmas cheer. Get it together.

7. As the days tick away towards Christmas that brings me to wrapping. The tried and true and mostly dreaded practice of wrapping anything and everything that doesn’t move or require food or water, and then placing beautifully wrapped items gently under the Christmas tree, only to be eaten or torn up by your dogs. Here’s what normally goes down in the Kap house. It’s 11:30 pm Christmas Eve. We have one gift left and not a scrap of wrapping paper or tape in the house. I’m not going to lie to you, at that point in the game do you really think I care to try to look for any left over wrapping paper or gift bags in this house? Absolutely not – brown paper bags and duct tape it is – remember that one. You’ll thank me for it in the wee hours of a future Christmas morning when you least expect it. Help me help you.

8. By this time in the season should you come to my house, you’ll notice what’s left of the ornaments on our Christmas tree now inhabit the top quarter of the tree and that area only. This is due to the evil cat who shares our humble abode spending all of her time finding new and interesting ways to redecorate, knock down and break any ornament that had half a chance of surviving the Christmas season in our house. No, that is not a flicker or strobe type effect that is a special function powered by remote that allows the lights to change color or action on our tree…our lights flicker due to this same cat making it her job to chew the actual light bulbs, on the tree, when it’s lit. She is every home decorator and Firefighters nightmare. Family heirlooms and vintage ornaments on your trees? Again, not in this house. The only vintage ornament we have on our tree are broken ornaments…broken, vintage…tomato, tomatah…

9. Here’s a tid bit for you…when in the heat and stress that is the Christmas season, this would not be a good time to decaffeinate oneself. I would like to publicly thank Emma from Sweets N Java in Holden for seeing the error in my ways, setting me straight, and convincing me that this was not the time to go decaf. She's a young wise soul and a good kid, pay her a visit and make sure you tip well.

10. Can't make up your mind and decide what to get that special someone in your life? Did you wait last minute (Angel) to do your shopping and will surely still be in the dog house this time next week? You have no excuses, commercialism and retail have simplified the shopping process so much you don't even have to leave the house, yet you still screwed up. At this point you really are beyond redemption and will surely go up in flames, you may as well make those flames a bonfire and go out in style. Go out and find that two sided multi purpose gift that will ultimately benefit you...a dog. Doesn't have to be a puppy, there are plenty of dogs out there that are beyond the puppy stage that will surely win the heart of the person who will, in three days, hate your guts, so you're gonna need a friend. There are plenty of shelters and rescues out there, go on line and find one.

*** Disclaimer...if you do adopt a dog this season make sure it's for life and not just to get you through the holidays or I will find you, steal your dog, and leave you in a ditch somewhere. Fa La La La La

And last but not least...whatever you celebrate, enjoy it. Enjoy your people. If you're annoyed and sick of the people you are generally obligated to spend the holidays with, and you'd like to switch it up, stop by Sue Miller's. The doors always open.

Merry Christmas!