Your Weekly Antics

Well kids, I hope you are surviving May thus far. The sun has been shining and with that everything is in bloom. Sure, spring has sprung and it looks beautiful out there but if you're an allergy sufferer, the next time you leave the house, you may just want to burn the neighborhood down, which of course is frowned upon. Regardless of my feelings towards pollen, and flowers and setting fire to everything I see, we've had all sorts of material sent our way from our faithful and not so faithful readers out there (JB2) to be used in this week’s edition. Exhibit 1, that's right, that's me. If you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of? Here's what I've got...

1. If you’re familiar with Worcester, many of you will be familiar with the Lamplighter. No, not because you all like to frequent the local strip joints, but because it happens to be on the corner of a heavily travelled road that many of you find yourselves on when getting from one end of the city to the other. It’s been years since the Lamplighter changed its billboard, and to be honest, the one they had up there was a good one, so I commend them for keeping their former sign up for so long. It is my humble opinion that whoever comes up with this stuff should get a raise. Exhibit 1, the new signage at the Lamplighter...

2. It’s good to know that our local Dunkin Donuts does not discriminate. Who says you need a vehicle to get your medium regular coffee and bacon, egg and cheese? Exhibit 2, getting it done, on wheels and by foot...

3. The squirrels have finally done it and all I have to say is it’s onnnnnnn…no thanks to the likes of them, their shifty freeloading selves, and the lack of attention given to them by the four legged creatures (and one three legger…) who live here, Al laid down the hammer. He said no way and ick-shnayed my window bird feeder, taking it down, leaving my little winged friends to fend for themselves. So much for enjoying and giving back to nature. Those sons of bitches have ruined it for me again. 

4. It’s no secret that workplaces everywhere have changed in recent years and many industries may soon fall victim to AI take overs. This infiltration may have already begun here at ESWA as seen in Exhibit 3. This is Rhonda, our newest ESWA employee. Hopefully she comes out of her shell soon, she’s quiet, keeps to herself and is rarely seen floating out of her office.

5. Candy was a recent topic amongst coworkers this week. With all this work from home and remote workplace arrangements, it is difficult to find that one employee who keeps it old school and always has a secret stash of chocolate on hand to help curb our cravings and keep our sweet tooth and moods in check. It was mentioned that someone from our side of the office brought candy in this week - the selection included chocolate and mints. This kindhearted soon to be scrutinized individual, trying to do a good thing and spread the wealth, brought all the chocolate to the other side of the office leaving the mint selection for us. Not sure what the rationale was or why they thought this was a good idea. Get it together who the hell chooses mints over chocolate?

   
   

6. Let’s get back to woodland creatures…you’re sick of hearing about them? Well, I’m sick of writing about them…poor Lauren was at home minding her own business, perhaps multi-tasking with baby Viv strapped to her back because she has already achieved Super Mom status, when she decided for whatever reason that the engine of her vehicle required some attention. As if this son of a bitch Groundhog hadn’t done enough already by announcing spring would get here when it damn well felt like it, he decided to hide out in Lauren’s engine…all day long until he determined it would be in his best interest to beat feet out of there, or find himself traveling at tops speeds going up and down 290 before being thrown from the vehicle. I'd like to add that Lauren wasn’t camping or parked in the woods somewhere, she was in a regular residential area one would find in any surrounding city or town nearby the Woo. Laugh it up you non-believers, they’re out to get us. Exhibit 5, the Car Groundhog.

7. Groundhogs taking over Worcester County to beavers attacking kids in New Jersey. Wildlife has gone and lost their damn minds. It’s a woodland creature takeover, but again, no one listens to me…

   NJ beaver that attacked boy tests positive for rabies

8. Also provided by a self-proclaimed non faithful reader of The Antics, (JB2)…the clown bathroom. This terrifying bathroom is located in an establishment here in the Woo, one you will never ever find me in. No, not just because this monstrosity is located in a mens room that’s never deterred me before, but because this decor is made of nightmares. I would include the video, but it's horrifying. Exhibit 6, latrine clown take over. 

9. I received this material via text from not one, but from two separate Antics readers in recent weeks. This leads me to believe that these stickers are everywhere. So, while pumping gas, these stickers are being left behind in silent protest of the rising gas prices and possibly helping us embrace the fact that it could be a long, hot, untraveled, stay at home summer because no one can afford to go anywhere. Exhibit 7, gas station finds…

10. Perhaps you’re enjoying such stickers while pumping gas, but if given the choice, wouldn’t you rather have a sticker like this? If you had one, you could spread cheer near and far at gas stations all over the area. Or, you too could have a Jesus/Ryann/Mandi candle for a low and negotiable cost of $ 4.99 which will go towards our newly established fund to help defer the cost of gas, chocolate and other essentials needed to help us continue the work of the people.

And last but not least, it's Mother's Day weekend...don't screw it up.

Have a great weekend!