Your Weekly Antics, The Life of An Office Tree Edition...7/2/26

Well kids, holy hot as hell is what I have to say about the weather this week. If I’ve said it once, I will say it one million times. It’s weather like this that keeps me on the straight and narrow making me strive to be a better person each and every day. If hell is even hotter than this, I want no part of it. If you’ve got young kids at home, don’t bother threatening them with Santa or the Easter Bunny, throw them outside for a half hour and tell them to get their acts together or this is what eternity will feel like…harsh? Probably, but we survived 90+ degrees, being locked outside all day drinking from the hose and no AC’s and we lived to tell about it. Here’s what I’ve got...

1. I know it’s hot, but we must resist the urge to allow the heat to impede our judgement. There are some things that we shouldn’t do because it defies nature, the law of gravity or what - have - you. Let’s talk about the Duck Boats. I’ve never been on one and never will. Add this to the list of things I didn’t do for my children like making them Jello Instant Pudding, and there’s a reason for that. Boats are for water; vehicles are for land. You mix those together and you have a recipe for disaster. Cars don’t float and should not be rigged up to go on water, just ask those involved in the Duck Boat incident that happened in Boston last weekend. As far as instant pudding is concerned, you’re all grown ass adults, so have at it; go buy yourselves some and let me know how you make out. Get it together people, you can’t have everything…

Exhibit 1, Not sure what's scarier, Duck Boats or this crew

Boston Duck Boat overturns, sending 11 people to local hospitals 

2. The universe keeps presenting potential retirement plans to me in case my next venture doesn’t pan out. Exhibit 2, I could drive this cart around the Wegmans parking lot all day. If this guy zipped around fast enough, he wouldn’t need to use the mini fan hook up he had rigged up that is similar to the youngest Kap kids DIY AC in Gramma Edie’s Toyota Camry... Exhibit 2 ride or die, cones included.

3. Plant life and trees. Unless you’re a tree who is infested by bugs or woodland creatures, my opinion is, you should be left alone to go about your business. Trees and plant life just hang out, ask for a little water now and then, and do nothing but enhance our work and living space. Way back in 2007 when my former employer moved to the current office in which they inhabit, there was once a potted tree small enough to fit in the corner of a co-workers cubicle. It minded its own business, enjoying the chatter and laughter that went on around it, soaking in the rays of the overhead fluorescent lights. As it grew, it blended in with the landscape and was decorated for holidays. It was carried or pushed around from time to time and would show up in other areas of the office fully decorated with homemade ornaments made on company time and adorned with twinkle lights. It was a happy little tree doing its job sucking the pollution out of the air and promoting the 02 we all lived and breathed in the 37.5 hours per week we spent in the office and did so with pleasure. It provided good cheer for all who worked in and visited the office. We documented its growth and eventually it grew so big that it was moved to the back of the office where it greeted those using the copy machine, and when it outgrew that space, it was moved to every indoor office trees dream space, the front lobby, where it continued to grow even bigger as a result of the love, care and good vibes it absorbed. It spent its time out there welcoming guests and employees alike. It survived the office make over and enhanced the sterile aesthetics while improving indoor air quality and contributing to a calming welcoming environment. It survived the lack of attention when the office was shut down during COVID, carried on, and like a good and loyal friend, sat patiently awaiting our return to the office. How did this guy get repaid for his 20 + years of service to the workplace? He was unceremoniously cut down under the cover of darkness without warning, without the opportunity to be moved to another home, and his naked stump left behind. The end of an era.  

   Exhbit 3, "The Tree" in its early days, 2016 and now turned "Stump" 2026.

4. Remember folks, when granted the power of a chain saw, caution must be taken… one tree gets cut down, and the next thing you know it, there goes the whole neighborhood. 

   Exhibit 4, "The Tree" 2023

5. Anyone see this stunt? On Wednesday, July 1st, these two climbed 1,457 feet to reach the top of the Empire State Building presumably to get engaged. According to Google, where we get all our highly regarded information, they are Angela Nikolau and Ivan Beerkus, two “Russian Rooftoppers” who have conducted similar stunts in China and Los Angeles. Do we think this couple thought things through? Did they think the police weren’t going to be waiting at the bottom for them? I would imagine that it took them some time to climb back down, enough time for the NYPD to gather and get themselves together to snatch them up once descended, to lock their asses up. Happy engagement folks and welcome to New York City where I'm sure you shared the company of some of the city’s finest, in the clink. 

   Exhibit 5, was this couple really getting engaged, or calling out Tyler, Chris and John, a.k.a. The Nit Witz of the 02?

6. Ok so I’m still not over the stupidity of # 5, so let's unpack some of that…1. What if the news helicopter clipped them on their way by sucking them and their banner up and into its propellers, that would’ve been unfortunate.  2. What if they dropped the ring? 3. What if one of these bumbasses plummeted to their death…no wedding to plan then, ya dopes. 4. You think that on top of the charges filed, they’ll get charged the admission fee that they didn’t pay by scaling the thing instead of visiting it like normal tourists? You know I looked, the prices for entry range from $44 to $580 depending on the time of year. And you gotta love the news caster who said, “this is a highly restricted area…” well no shit. Unless you’re Spider Man or Superman or some other superhero, it is most definitely frowned upon to climb to the top. In case you’re interested in visiting America’s landmark like normal people, here is the link to the price of admission…I say in addition to facing regular charges for this stunt, they should be charged the maximum admission price for this time of year.

   Buy Tickets to the Best NYC Observation Deck | Empire State Building 

7. Exhibit 6... this photo has nothing to do with the Empire State Building or fireworks or setting things on fire when you decide it might be a good idea to try your hand at amateur 4th of July festivities. We saw this bizzarrity in the window of a gym in Brighton MA. Now don't get ahead of yourselves people - no, I was not going to this gym, I was parked out front of it while making my way to the local ice cream joint next door when this mannequin caught my eye. Let's not get crazy people, I have enough reasons to walk around with a tin foil hat on my head, working out isn't going to be one of them.

   
   

8. And while you’re at it this 4th, don’t be a tool and forget about your furry loyal companions, no, not your significant others, your dogs. With their extra sensitive hearing, 4th of July is their least favorite holiday and even the calmest of dogs can have a hard time. No, they are not being unpatriotic and unamerican, they just don’t understand what all the fuss is about when we can easily celebrate with beer and hotdogs and call it a day. Keep them inside, put their favorite Netflix series on, provide them with good snacks to distract them and show them some love. 

 Exhibit 3, Dog safety tips… 5 Best Tips to Keep Your Dog Calm During Firework Season 

9. Another PSA for this 4th of July. Don’t use your teeth to open your beer, rip a tag off that new swimsuit you picked up, or to hold those fireworks while you're getting your lighter and matches out, you're smarter than that. Don’t take chances with your teeth on a holiday weekend folks…you’ll really be up s*&ts creek if you think you’ll be able to get in to see a dentist. Yes, this may be a random tid-bit for you, but an important one just the same. You’re welcome.  

10. I’d like to formally thank the Boston Celtics for ruining what was going to be a perfectly fine holiday weekend and the summer for that matter. It’s bad enough that basketball season is forever long, but they had to spill over into summer too? The least they could have done was wait until the season started in October before announcing what is being called the worst trade in Boston sports history. Sitting in traffic on the Mass Pike on Wednesday night, you didn’t have to hear what other drivers around you were listening to, all you had to see were the expressions on their faces, the pounding on steering wheels and lip read their swearing, to know they were listening to sports radio. A formal announcement was made soon after to the Kap pack that our head Celtics fan is officially defecting, will be following the 76’ers, and anything and everything that had a Celtics logo on it has been bagged up and tossed in Good Will as of 7am Thursday morning. Thanks for nothing Celtics, like the Red Sox haven’t already crushed all our hopes and dreams.

And last but not least, whatever you do to celebrate the 250th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence, also referred to as the Semi quincentennial, may you do so out of the heat and with good company.

Have a great weekend!