Your Weekly Antics, Turning Over a New Leaf Edition 6/28/28...

Well kids, hope you're enjoying your weekend on yet another rainy Saturday. But it could be worse...you could be working. Here's what I've got...

1. Listen up people, new hobbies have been found. That's right, I'm taking up spoons. Not kitchen spoons, or cooking spoons, or soup spoons if you will, but wooden percussion spoons. By the end of the summer, I'm going to have them mastered and will be found playing them in a hidden field somewhere near you. Why in a hidden field you ask? Because Al's banned them from the house. Soon, I'll be available for weddings and bar mitzvah's, I'll keep you posted.

Exhibit 1 SPOONS!!!

2. When I'm not mastering the magic of wooden spoon percussion on work time, I'm getting calls from Barb, one of my regulars who calls to yell and scream at me. I put her on speaker phone, let her rant and go about my business because this is what she does. She rants. She raves. She gets whatever it is bothering her off her chest, feels better, then it’s over until a half hour later when she starts this whole cycle all over again. It’s one of the only things I can count on in this job these days, is Barb and her rants, and to be honest, I kind of enjoy them. On this particular day she was especially heated and mad at the world, as many of us were no thanks to the average temps hovering near 100, so I let her unload. I eventually interjected in attempts to try to make her feel better. I’m here to tell you that this approach was unsuccessful and ended in an abrupt hanging up of the phone after yelling at the top of her lungs, “ I gotta go…you give me anxiety…” Right back atcha sister...talk to you in about a half hour, in the meantime I have spoons to practice. Exhibit 2, ESW Legends...Jim Burns was unavailable for a photo op.

3. Public nudity in Burlington VT – a whole article on it. All I’m gonna say about that is, I know it’s been hot. Like hotter than hell hot but come on...no one needs to see all that. And…how much sunscreen are we talking has to be applied before you head out into town to do your errands? If I lived there, I'd keep praying for rain. Get it together and keep your clothes on people, if for nothing else than the greater good and to save on sunscreen. Read about it here...

Burlington measure seeks to curb public nudity

4. No Air conditioning and bugs – as you all know, the youngest Kap kid now drives the legendary 26-year-old Camry - that’s eligible for antique plates by the way - and with that honor comes no AC. Last year, I bought her what I thought was a perfectly good substitution for AC, a small plug-in portable fan with the attachments for the car, but that's not exactly efficient in 100-degree heat with the humidity to match. The kid powered through, but has learned quickly this summer, that like all other outdoor activities, she needs to get to where she’s going before dusk to avoid mosquitoes. That’s right kids, driving back and forth to get back to her dog sitting gig any time after 8pm meant every light, stop sign, or reason to stop in traffic meant she was being eaten alive by these relatives of the prehistoric tetradactyl. Who knew she’d need to apply bug spray just to drive from one area of the city to another.

5. Gibson has been up to his regular tricks not receiving the memo that if he’s going to eat any of the Kap family’s clothes, the one to steer away from is the middle kid. Gibson had a feast on several of Reaghan's new clothing items this week where I can honestly say he ingested most of them. Some were still laden with price tags, because I found evidence of such in the yard. This is eventually going to bite both he and I directly in the ass when and if his body decides to stop expelling these non-food items resulting in a hefty vet bill. You'd think he'd also have figured out by now that if there’s one individual in the Kap pack he should refrain from maddening, that would be Reaghan. You're not new here, you should know better by now. Good luck and Godspeed dog, you're on your own. Exhibit 3, Gibson looking extremely proud of himself while Harley and Goose are outright disgusted.

6. We had a bonus week here in the 02 of epic proportions via the Department of Public Works which meant that according to these dogs, it was like Christmas in June. Thursday historically is trash day during non-holiday weeks, and this week we had DPW trucks up and down and all around on our corner that were doing street work. This meant several hours of constant entertainment for Gibson who after he chased down his regular trash guys, he was able to relax in the yard and watch his people of the DPW work. Great way to spend a Thursday if you ask him. Exhibit 4, sitting in the sun because these three can't be bothered joining Gibby in his pursuit of the trash truck.

7. Gibson's not the only one who's been in trouble this week. His partner in crime Loki, has been up to his own tricks. His people did not appreciate the care he took to eat a perfectly shaped hole in their window blinds that fit his head so he could see directly outside to his friends across the driveway. This is not what you do to get your person to allow you to come out and play when she's home from work. I tried to help you buddy, but just like this pack, the honeymoon period is over...I hope Jen doesn't kill you. Exhibit 5, Loki's handywork.

   Loki - 1

   Window blinds -0

8. The youngest Kap kid is getting ready to fly the coop and head off to college. With that begins the purchasing of items she will need for her dorm. Like all other colleges, UConn provides the incoming freshmen with a list of items that they may need, and what’s allowed and not allowed in the dorm. I found the list quite entertaining because you know and I know that some particulars are noted on such lists as a result of some student at some time or another, bringing the now banned items with them on move in day. For instance, do you think it was just one student or several who accidentally shot a hole in his water bed with his BB gun while loading up his bow and arrow, when trying to rig up his ceiling fan to strategically move the cool air being provided by his air conditioner that was needed due to the heat being generated by the kerosene lantern that inadvertently set off all the fireworks he brought? Not sure why you'd need a kerosene lamp unless you were rooming with Paul Revere or a ceiling fan unless you were Bob the Builder...props to the kid who managed to figure that one out. So many questions, asking for a friend...

Exhibit 6, Gibson supporting Loki from across the driveway in all things window blind destruction.

9. Shout out to Joe working in the cashier's booth at Lowe’s on Lincoln Street. I witnessed the kindness and patience of a saint while he was being verbally accosted and accused of overcharging a customer for mulch. Of course, the customer left the mulch she said she was overcharged for in the cart next to her car. She walked all the way back to the garden center register without the mulch, the cart, or the receipt expecting this kid just to take her word for it. She cuts me in line to begin this altercation and at first, I thought, no biggie, the quicker this woman is dealt with, the quicker she’ll be on her way. But no, she continued ranting and raving, telling Joe over and over again that he made a mistake, like poor Joe robbed her of thousands of dollars. She didn’t care that she needed a receipt for a refund. She didn’t care that clearly Joe was all on his own in the garden center, regardless of how many pleas were made over the PA system for manager assistance that never showed up. She just kept going. This brought me back to the days of working in the Garden Shop at Spag’s, where the customer was always right, where no one cared if you had the complexion of Casper and got third degree burns and/or heat stroke at least 3 out of the 6 days you worked and you were told to suck it up, take a quick 15 in the cheese cooler in Door 10 and get your ass back to work. It didn’t matter how ridiculous the claim was, Spag was always giving the customers back their money. So, you know I did it, do I even have to tell you? I said ma’am…this isn’t Spag’s. Spag is dead, God rest his soul, and poor Joe here is just trying to make a living. IF he was having any second thoughts about his life’s choices and possibly quitting school and not returning to college in the fall, I bet you have done him a service and scared those thoughts right out of him…helping him push on for bigger and better so he won’t have to make his living forever dealing with the likes of you. Get out of line you cutter, it's hot, and get back to your friggin mulch. And off she went. Joe and I are now best friends.  

10.  Do you all remember Derek, as in Derek the plant? I haven’t talked about him in a while because quite frankly, he’s been acting a bit entitled and has an attitude problem. So much of an attitude that he’s been banished to the youngest Kap kids room to live amongst her plants until he agreed to change his ways. Now that we have some summer-like weather, Derek has been relocated to the deck where he has been living his best life in the heat and humidity as if he had been returned to the tropical islands from which his ancestors hailed. He must like his new digs because as I was telling Al I wasn’t happy with him, I noticed he was unfurling a new leaf. To that Al told me I should cut Derek some slack because he was turning over a new leaf… it's about damn time Derek got it together. Exhibit 8, circled in orange, Derek's new leaf...

And last but not least...words to live by...

Exhibit 9. If you're having a rough day grab yourself some WD-40 and duct tape. It solves everything.

Have a great weekend!