Your Weekly Antics, Things You See on the Streets Edition...6-7-2024

Well kids, the critics have spoken, and it’s been determined that The Antics aren’t that funny nor newsworthy, therefore it’s okay if I miss a week here or there. Well, now it’s on. I’m going to make sure these continue to go out every week just out of principle. Here’s what I’ve got...

1. The Woo is not considered a farming community. We should not see the random cow or goat, or chicken cross our roadways. No, I have not recently run across a cow or a goat on Park Ave, but that got your attention, didn’t it? Rats don’t count as farming animals, but they’re still around causing havoc, some so big they should be wearing tags with their name and other identifying information. But chickens, there are chickens. It amazes me when I’m out and about in the hood doing the work of the people and am met on someone’s path by a random chicken going about their business just puttering around. Do they find their way home? Do their owners care if they don’t return? Do they know to get home before dark before the rats get them? Why are they wandering freely? Are they just laying eggs wherever they go? So many questions...

2.  We don’t have a horse or a goat or a pony, but we do have Gibson who spends his days patrolling his yard protecting us from nothing. Al will be spending the remainder of his days mending fences, quite literally, because this dog doesn’t understand that he does not weigh 25 lbs.

Exhibit 1 Just another day on our corner

3.  This. This right here is obnoxious. I will never step foot in Papa John’s on June Street just because I’m sick of this stupid thing harassing me when I’m stuck at that light. One of these days I’m going to snap and stick a pin in it.

Exhibit 2

4. This was seen in Marlboro. Props to this guy and his neck and head strength. I hope he has a good chiropractor. I will also add that it was at least 85 degrees. Go get it sir, impressive. Exhibit 3, a poor-quality drive by photo of this gentleman walking up the street balancing a full case of water on his head...

5.  Valet parking guy at one of our local hospitals…like how I preserved his anonymity there? See, I listen during all our HIPAA and other trainings on confidentiality…listen, I’m sorry you hate your life. I try to improve it every time I see you. Fact is friend, I’m thinking you hate your job and guess what, there are other jobs out there that may just be right for you, go for it. And please do so in your own vehicle and quit hitting curbs with the kia minivan, have some respect, she may not be Gramma Edie's 25 -year- old Camry, but she is still a fine piece of machinery.

6. In this week’s episode of what I can do in retirement…when I get new knees, I’m applying for a job as one of this fine city’s sanitation workers so I can drive around on the back of a trash truck all day. Admit it, tell me that doesn’t look like fun? I’m doing it, just wait.

7. It’s graduation season. Please please please someone ask me to be the guest speaker at their graduation. You want to know what’s what? I’ll tell you the way it is. Reach for the stars, dream big – here’s a fun fact. Work hard and when you think you’ve worked hard, work harder. Nothing’s getting handed to you kids, you gotta get it together and work for it. We are going to be in tough shape once these kids start throwing us in nursing homes, or in the woods, could go either way. Exhibit 4, this is Antoine who will soon be residing at Mykono's Bakery.

8. Any school time after Memorial Day is torture for our school goers, students and teachers alike. Sweaty, hot, smelly classrooms full of equally smelly and sweaty disgruntled kids with attention spans of fruit flies sticking to the formica seats of their desks. All packing up physically and mentally thinking of better days ahead to be spent enjoying their summer breaks free of the mundane routine of school. High schoolers are beyond checked out by this time of the year, no one’s doing much in the classrooms but catching up on their Netflix shows while biding their time waiting for the last day of school before finals begin. After that, they can beat feet out of there and not lay eyes on the interior of a classroom for another 6 weeks. Exhibit 5, because we all know that Sharon Landers looks fabulous in yellow.

9. It’s ceiling fan season kids. Stay tuned. Sue Miller has not yet been up on a chair to manage this affair on her own, but Deb will soon be called in to assist, and when she is, we will make every attempt to catch those shenanigans on video.

10.  Who says the Antics aren’t newsworthy? This week we covered farm animals of the Woo; told you to avoid the June Street/Chandler Street light/intersection so you don't have to sit there being mocked by that stupid Papa John's inflatable thing making you want to never eat pizza again; the valet at one of our local hospitals may just crash your car; chickens and cats and rats are all wandering our city streets; it’s a skill to walk around with a case of water on your head; ceiling fan follies are about to start; more evidence that Sharon Landers looks fabulous in yellow; and graduates everywhere are sitting around at their boring graduation ceremonies waiting to hit the streets. What more could we ask for?

11. And last but not least, be nice. Be kind. Say hello to people. For the love of God say excuse me instead of plowing through someone. Tip. Say please and thank you. All pretty simple stuff. No need to add to the suckerie out there, do your part to improve things, if you can’t be nice, take a break and stay home.

Have a great weekend!