Your Weekly Antics the Mouse, the Math Teacher and the Accountant Edition...4-20-23

Well kids, here we are making our way through April. Here's what I've got...

1. There once was a city mouse named Bob. Bob was just a wee tiny creature who got a little too big for his britches and decided he and his cute fuzzy self could bully a self-reliant city schoolteacher in to allowing him to remain, rent free, in her home. Assuming this teacher was young and unwise to his tricks and her boyfriend posed no physical threat to him because he’s an accountant, he chose to roam about in broad daylight giving no care in the world about the risk he was putting himself in. Why you ask? Because every time he showed his beady little eyes, he was asked nicely to vacate the premises and go along his merry way. A few days of his commandeering the teachers kitchen and taking her sink hostage, it proved to be too much and the first of the big guns were called in.

2. Call number one was made to the accountant’s 15-year-old sister. Counseling the two in swift and harmless mouse removal that would put neither man nor beast at risk, she had the accountant armed and at the ready donned in oven mitts, yet Bob prevailed. He looked him straight in the eye, flipping him the bird, and scurried right back down the kitchen drain from whence he came. Turn the water on the middle kid was heard saying while Mother of the year may have suggested putting on the garbage disposal. But alas, the accountant has a heart of gold and did not want to bring harm to this fearless creature and was looking to remove him from the premises in the most humane way possible, drowning and dismemberment were not in his wheelhouse. After giving every suggestion she could think of, the middle Kap Kid was preparing to secure transport to Boston to relocate said creature when she was ordered to stand down as the expert arrived on scene and all assumed the situation was handled. Instead, the Exterminators’ arrival only brought on a brutal turn of events.

3. Now before you all start thinking oh that poor mouse, let’s get a few things straight…one must not assume that these unwelcome trespassers are confused or lost. That you may have accidentally harbored said fugitive in your backpack giving him a false sense of security making him think he was a welcome boarder. They’re smart and conniving little bastards who will take advantage of any small space they can wiggle themselves in to and have no problem calling your place home. They eat your food, dirty your living space, don’t pick up after themselves, don’t contribute financially and make you scream every time you lay eyes on them…kind of like having kids, only smaller and disposable. Toughen up readers…we’re talking about rodents.

4. City mice may look innocent but make no mistake about it, they didn’t just find their way into your kitchen by accident…they hatched a plan, put that plan in motion, and infiltrated the safety and comfort of the math teachers home who decided she wasn’t putting up with their B-S. Had they stuck to the plan and only came out under the cover of darkness or perhaps consulted the school vacation calendar, they would have known that the math teacher would be home this week, therefore, they’d have to get it together and stay under cover during daylight hours. But no, they had to take a chance, venture out, and assume that the math teacher was a dummy and wouldn’t notice they were out and about. Case in point is Bob. Bob not only took it upon himself to be a full-fledged free loader, but then threw caution to the wind resulting in his being caught red handed with his tiny sticky little paws in the proverbial cookie jar. How do you think this worked out for Bob and his band of furry friends? Read on…

5. Bob stood a chance when the youngest Kap kid initially came to the aid of her friend the math teacher via the accountant. She did what she could to save poor Bob people, but the accountant, despite being armed with oven mitts couldn’t pull it together, heed her advice and follow simple mouse catching instructions, and back down the sink drain he went. To add insult to injury, he continued to pop his head back up out of the drain to mock the accountant. In addition to mouse paw hand gestures we’re pretty sure he was sticking his tongue out at him too.

6. Alas, a knock at the door and enters The Exterminator armed with tools and contraptions one requires to catch such fierce creatures. All would believe Bob would be extracted safely and perhaps sent on his way, but this is Boston people. Boston Exterminators have bigger fish to fry like rotten street rats and don’t have time to play games with Bob or hear any explanation as to why Bob decided to take his activities indoors. Bob, drunk on crumbs and freedom looked that Exterminator right in the eye baiting him to go at him. Bob should’ve been smarter than that and run back down that drain as fast as his little mouse legs would take him because off to the sticky paper Bob went. This was no magic carpet ride but instead a quick trip over the rainbow bridge as much to the math teacher and accountants’ horror Bob was unceremoniously stomped by said Exterminator without any sign of remorse. Peace out Bob, nice knowing you.

7. Now, in all Exterminators defense, they too most likely suffer from burnout much like the math teacher and accountant now suffer from PTSD. I’d have to think that working the homes of Boston they must see all kinds of things that require extermination, and this may have been the easiest job of his day. Quick end for the Exterminator and quick end for Bob, however the results were not as suitable for Bob as for the extermination company. Had Bob done what the oven mitt yielding accountant had asked and just hopped in to that glove to be taken to his new destination he’d be scurrying free in a field somewhere or perhaps been dropped off at Mike’s Pastry where we’d hope he’d have smartened up and would go on to lead a long sugar filled life. You should’ve gotten it together Bob – we can’t help you now.

8. Had the Exterminator not been suffering from burn out and viewing the world through cynicism lensed glasses perhaps he would’ve cut Bob some slack. Maybe not necessarily setting him free, but giving him and his buddies a fighting chance to vacate and escape on their own without pulling out the sticky tape and traps. Instead, the Exterminator all jacked up on one too many Dunkins regulars and donuts, decided the way to go would be to curb stomp the little bugger. The Exterminator may have gone home and slept well that night, but I suspect the math teacher and accountant did not. There stood the math teacher wiping down her counters from breakfast, mourning poor Bob and his cheating stealing ways thinking to herself, those crumbs would’ve made a fine breakfast for Bob, but you don’t need breakfast over the rainbow bridge people. RIP Bob.

9. Exhibit 1…Where was this fortune cookie in Bob’s trash surfing travels??? Way to go universe…this information would have been useful to Bob yesterday.

10. The moral of the story people is be smarter than Bob. If someone’s throwing you a lifeline, in the form of oven mitts or the like, grab it…the next thing being thrown at you may not work in your favor. If you’re going to be a freeloader, don’t tempt fate…do so under the cover of darkness. If you stare in to the sun too long as Bob did staring in to the face of the Exterminator, you will fry your retina’s and potentially meet your untimely demise. Don't be like Bob.

And last but not least, don’t be the Exterminator. Should you feel burnt out and stressed, take some time off. It never ends well if you should try to curb stomp the population for which you serve. It’s frowned upon, gets messy, and you’ll wind up giving some poor bystanders unnecessary PTSD.

Have a great and stress free weekend!