Your Weekly Antics the Material My Family Provides Me Edition...7-7-2022

Well kids, I hope you enjoyed your 4th of July and showed some restraint when it came to setting off illegal fireworks. If you’re in a state that allows fireworks, well good for you. Pot Belly Pig Dog would like to personally thank every single one of you firework lighting individuals as well as Mother Nature for making her a nervous wreck for the past week. If something wasn’t being lit up, it was thundering. Either way Josie was not impressed and spent most of her time reorganizing my closet or wedging herself under a bed. She is however a dog, and dogs are forgiving despite how stupid and inconsiderate humans can be and how unpredictable that vixen Mother Nature is, so she’s back out from under the bed and living her best life. Peace and order has been restored in the hood, for now. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. I have good news and I have bad news. Bad news is, Sue Miller has a mouse in her house. Good news is, she too has persevered and will not let that little bastard take over. She and her buddy Deb have faced this challenge, set the traps, armed them with peanut butter, and hoped for the best. When checking the trap this week, it should be noted that the peanut butter was gone, and the trap was still set. I tell my Mother this and she tells me, “ of course it is…I saw that little bastard running across the floor last night…he chewed and screwed…” Heard it here first folks. Sue Millers professional opinion about the effectiveness of DIY pest control. The Pest Control company has since been contacted and nicely asked why it is she’s paying them a monthly fee if the mice are back infiltrating her home. She wants them out, and wants them out yesterday...

2. Now mind you, anyone at any time can eat off Sue Millers floors the place is so clean. So, she takes personal offense that these little critters have chosen her house to take refuge from the elements, mooching off crumbs and her Air Conditioning like they’re on some kind of vacation. Deb, “when you have a house, you have a mouse…” Sue Miller, “oh yea? Not in this house… he’s not stayin here…” If anyone is interested in the opinion of those of us at The Antics, it would be in that mouse's best interest to beat feet out of there before Sue Miller takes matters in to her own hands and rids her house of said mouse. Our advice...scurry back from where you came or throw yourself on one of those mouse traps before she gets a hold of you. She takes the cleanliness of her home seriously and she will not have the likes of you jeopardizing her reputation. You've been warned.

3. Sue Miller wasn't the only one under attack by woodland creatures, Ronnie too was being terrorized by critters, only of the rabbit variety. After a long day of 4th of July golf, he came home and with Bud Light in hand, he thought it would be a good idea to sit out on his deck and enjoy what was left of his day off. This quiet moment was short lived however, as Rosie, his 150 something pound dog, who I'm pretty sure he likes more than his kids, was being antagonized by these brazen furry creatures. Please enjoy Exhibits 1 & 2. Heard it here first folks...rabbits and chickens are taking over The Woo.

4. You think you’re being a good daughter calling your Mother to check in and see how she’s doing. Hey Ma, what are you up to? I was resting comfortably until I had to get up to answer the phone…that settles that. I was quickly dismissed.

5. When Sue’s not reading one of the many books she binges throughout the week, she may have the television on. Unlike most of us, she’s got minimal channels, because according to her, one only needs the News and the Hallmark Channel. Well Sunday night proved differently. I stopped over to see what’s what and she made her thoughts on the lack of new programs being on and replaced by reruns perfectly clear. The channel we landed on was 60 Minutes. She tells me “grab the clicker and change it – this is 60 Minutes, I don’t have time for this shit…” Despite this statement she's holding firm that she refuses to give the cable company one more cent of her hard earned cash because all the programs on are trash. She's not wrong.

6. Thanks for paying for dinner Grammy…”Hey, anytime, but not all the time”. This was said soon after, “your Mother uses me for my handicapped placard, my money and good looks.” Now that Parenteau’s retired, has changed her number, and is now presumably only operating with a burner phone, she will not be easily accessible should Sue Miller try to throw me to the wolves and file a report on herself naming me as the AP to keep my numbers up. This is not how to keep me employed now that Mary's retired. She does not believe me when I tell her that my job is secure even though Mary has sailed off in to the sea of retirement because no one else wants it.

Financial exploitation does not only effect the elderly, but also effects the younger generation. Let’s talk about Kolby and Kiley for a minute. Kiley has been told she needs to find herself a job in order to start saving up for Drivers ed. That, and Kiley informed me that Kolby will soon be leaving her for college and presently, Kolby is her only source of income. This information was shared as Grammy was paying for dinner at Quinn’s Blue Plate while her sister Kolby was working and clearing our dishes. To add insult to injury, we all forgot to say Good bye to Kolby when leaving. To add further insult, not only did we not say goodbye, but then took a photo without her in it. Sorry Kolby, we all suck. We do love you and your sister appreciates that you work hard to support her. Exhibit 3. I didn't have time to wait for Kiley to photo shop Kolby in to the picture.

8. You faithful readers of The Antics will know that Fr. Trainor is one of Sue Miller’s buddies. He of course asked how she was doing prior to returning home to Deb's Pop Up Bed & Breakfast at the Miller residence. I reported back that she was doing well, but it was dicey there for a bit, I was thinking I’d have to argue with some in the medical field, and if so, please pay my bail. Fr. Trainor informed me that unfortunately he is unable to provide bail, but he does in fact visit and offer the eucharist to the imprisoned as well as the sick. So, should I wind up in the clink, he’d be able to visit and help me get things straight with God. To be clear though, he will not visit with nail files planted in baked goods and would not be able to save me from my Mother. #frtrainorwillnotpostbail

9. Just because you don't attend weekly mass doesn't mean that you're not a good Christian or God fearing person, we at The Antics think it takes more than that. With that said, Sue Miller is not a regular attendee of mass so imagine the confusion that Kolby experienced when she was visiting her Grandmother when her church friends showed up for a visit. Kolby naturally assumed Grammy had lost it and asked, church friends? Sue Miller's response was, "yes, church friends. They go to the 4 pm mass every Saturday to pray for me and after mass they pick me up to go out to supper." Two birds, one stone. She has it all figured out.

10. Not all those who travel through Worcester feel about Park Ave the way Sue Miller does. Despite what she says, some, if not most, can travel just about anywhere in and outside of Worcester without starting at and ending up on Park Ave. Let's take Andrea for instance. Andrea doesn't have a good track record with Park Ave.. Her vehicle has been hit head on by a deer - on Park Ave. She's had a flat tire and left on the side of the road by Triple A for hours- on Park Ave.. She has to travel to and from work - on Park Ave. So why would one think that Andrea wouldn't provide us with entertainment when travelling down Park Ave? Please see Exhibit 4.

And last but not least, chill-ax with the damn fireworks. You're tormenting all dogs in every neighborhood everywhere and you're going to blow yourself up. They may be forgiving, but I am not. You keep upsetting my dog, I may set your lawn on fire.

Have a great weekend!