Your Weekly Antics...The Last Antics of the Year Edition...12-29-2022

Well people, I hope you all survived Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus, or whatever holiday you choose to observe, unscathed and without incident. We are in the final days of this year soon to ring in 2023 and with that, a new beginning to all the craziness that the world provides us. I'm a bit behind schedule, take it or leave it kids...this week I will attempt to mention some of the things I appreciate and have been thankful for this year. Here's what I've got...

1. The holidays. With the holidays comes picture taking and the kids in your life both young and old being asked, then told, to stand together smiling for a timeless photo. No, we don't care that you're busy. No again, we could care less that this is the 50th photo we've taken of all of you gathered around acting as if you want to be there, looking at us as we tell you to smile and show off all that holiday cheer that we know, deep down, exists amongst all of you. The quicker you cooperate, the quicker you get it over with. Please see Exhibits 1, 2 & 3. This would be the chronological order of me irritating the Kap and Miller kids when asking them to stand together for the cousin photo. Despite how Kolby and Sam look, they think I’m fabulous. I'm thankful that these fools humor me, keep me laughing, and give me endless amounts of material to use against them every week.

2. If you're like many households, you may still be discovering scraps of wrapping paper, tape stuck to the bottom of your socks, glitter - OMG the dreaded glitter that is now in every crevice of every surface of your home - tinsel, should tinsel be a decorating method and add on of your choice, in areas of your home you never remember wrapping or unwrapping gifts in. Or, you can be like the eldest Kap kid and wrap the gifts he so carefully chose for his family like this. Exhibit 4, the expert, economical and environmentally friendly wrapping technique of one, Sam Kapacziewski...no mess, no clean up, and saving the environment one wrapping paperless gift at a time...

3. If you too have a house full of children, small or grown, and have been lucky enough to have them converge upon you this holiday season, if you're not tripping over wrapping paper, then you're tripping over laundry. As my friend Marj pointed out to me, laundry is wrapping papers evil cousin that just doesn't go away. Be thankful for those piles, before you know it, it'll only be you and your own laundry you're folding. So for now, it's a pain in my ass, but I'm thankful it's here. This does not go for Al's laundry, he's on his own.

4. This is the photo that arrives to my phone in the early hours every year on December 26th…it is of course not the same tree year to year, there is a new fresh tree cut, purchased, and placed within the walls of the Miller household every season - the tree may be different every year, but the story remains the same. The undecorated, dismantled, de- Christmas’d Miller Christmas tree that has been unceremoniously tossed outside just as the sun comes up. This year not only was my sister in law behind schedule getting this tree out of the house well before 9am, but normally it's final resting place is the front lawn. This year it only made it to the deck. #slacker I'm thankful that my sister in law sends me this picture every year...it gets me moving to de-elf my house before I lose my mind.

Exhibit 5, de-Christmas'd Miller Christmas Tree

5. Christmas traditions. Another Christmas tradition or what many children may refer to as forced family fun, is the decorating of Christmas cookies. This year we switched it up a bit and also attempted to make sugar cookie houses. The youngest Kap kid was somewhat successful until her brother, the expert wrapper, decided to help her out and unload all the extra frosting on to her cookie house. The roof of the prized cookie house could only take so much and soon collapsed in to a frosted heap. I'm thankful that Meri didn't kill him.

5a. Another tradition I'm grateful for is this fool cooking a fabulous Christmas dinner every year so the rest of us don't have to.

6. Here's an observation I've made this year that I'll share with all of you...If you’re going to work even one day in Geriatrics, part of your training period regimen should be having to independently put on, wear and then take off a pair of compression stockings – these puppies are no joke. To all the elders I had in the early years of my career when I was young and stupid, I know you’re dead by now, but from the deepest depths of my heart, I apologize for not being more sympathetic to the difficulty and hardship these cloth torture devices caused you. Mrs. F, who’s name to this day I will not mention out of respect for confidentiality and fear she’ll haunt me as promised, I especially apologize to you, and pray to God I never need to use the eye drops you also warned me about…

7. I was assigned an interesting case this past week that involved someone who was lacking immigration status. I read the report. Went over the details. Figured out what this person was in need of and gather all the appropriate info on resources that would be of assistance. Nowhere in this report is this persons country of origin listed, where he’s emigrated from, how long this person has been here, or why he’d be in danger of being deported. I go out, assuming this individual is from some distant far-off and unfamiliar land and much to my surprise I discover this person’s country of origin is England. ENGLAND…I don’t know what this guy has done or who he’s pissed off that the US would be going out of their way to kick this guy back across the pond, as I’m assuming they have bigger fish to fry, but he must’ve done something that is far above my pay grade to figure out and fix. Good luck and Godspeed friend. God save the Queen or the King or whoever the hell's in charge over there. I can’t help you.

7a. I'm thankful for this guy who fixes everything I break every day.

8. Get me a cat. From the mouth of one of my many hoarders. Another visit. Another hoarded third floor apartment who’s dingy dark narrow stairs I have dragged myself up, to be met by an unsuspecting elder who surely doesn’t want to be seen by the likes of me that day, or any other day. Coming to the conclusion that he can't dodge me forever, he decides he knows what I can do for him. What can I do to help him? Get him a cat. You see, he used to have a cat. He’s not sure if his existing cat is still in the hoarded apartment or if perhaps this cat who I’d have to assume really did exist and is not a figment of his imagination, was let out or more likely escaped and now he wants a new improved replacement cat. Sorry sir, I’m not a huge fan of the cat but I don’t hate any cat that much to rehome him here. Peace.

9. Are you having a rough day? Need a little something to help set your mind at ease? Do you want to take your level of prayer up a notch? Get a load of this…Exhibit 6 – you are not hallucinating. Not to be mistaken for the traditional Jesus candle, this is, in fact, a Taylor Swift candle. If you live in the Kap house however, it is never meant to be lit. Never. Please take note of the battery operated tea light that is setting Taylor in all her candle glory, aglow. That is as close to a live flame this candle will get or the youngest Kap kid will lose it. *** Please note the obligatory 1st Communion photo with the parish Priest...and you all assume I'm a bad Catholic.

10. A Priest walks in to a bar...no wait, you walk in to a bar and see a Priest...not something you see every day, but who knows? Jesus drank wine and probably lots of it. Perhaps Jameson is the drink of choice for the modern man of the cloth. Times are changing people. This time next week you may read, a Social Worker walks in to a bar, plants herself comfortably at the third stool from the left of the KENO station, to complete her workday. Whatever gets the job done. Exhibit 7, coffee while doing the work of the people, or beer? You may never know...

And last but not least, Happy New Year people. May the New Year bring you health, happiness and laughter. Wealth would be nice too, but we've all survived this long without it, we'll all be fine. Be kind. Be generous with your patience and your time. Be good to each other. Remember it's okay to take care of yourself. Appreciate who you have, where you've been and where you're going. It's all good.

Happy New Year!