Your Weekly Antics, The Angry Potato Edition...6-14-24

Well kids, it’s the Friday before Father’s Day. For those of you Dad’s out there anticipating this Sunday and all the glory it will bring you, we hope you are treated with all the love and respect that you deserve. For those of you who are missing your dad’s this Sunday, look for those little signs that he’s still around and do something good for yourselves. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Gramma Edie celebrated her 102nd Birthday earlier in the week so we took a ride to see her. Armed with two of her favorites, a bouquet of pink peonies and a chocolate cupcake, we made our way in. The peonies were a hit, but despite chocolate being her favorite treat and being creatively decorated as a sunflower with a tiny bee on top, it was still a no go, she insisted that she’s “watching her sugar”. I tried to reason with her, that she’s 102, she can live a little, but it was still a thanks but no thanks, and there the poor little cupcake sat, uneaten and alone. I’ll tell you what…if I’m living to be 102, I’ll be throwing caution to the wind, eating an entire cake and downing it with a bottle of Gin. I’m just hoping Colleen, Diane, Sharon and Michelle are with me when I do it.

2. Her adorable roommate on the other hand, more than happy to chat us up the entire visit, going on and on and on, as pleasant as ever, more than delighted to see us. Only problem was, she speaks Spanish, and until this day to my knowledge, no English. Not entirely sure what she was telling me, I could’ve agreed to break her out this time next week for all I know. Getting ready to depart with the standard farewell telling her goodbye and wishing her a good day, I get this response...Likewise. I think this lady can speak English and has been messing with me at every visit.  

3. Found myself in the parking lot of a local store this week and it was hot. I had the top down on the jeep and unfortunately the days are gone when I can put the top up by myself without anyone’s help so, I had no choice but to improvise and suck it up driving around soaking up the sun. I was dressed for work, which included a long-sleeved shirt and thought to myself, what the hell was I thinking? I am frying like squid on rock. Then it dawned on me that I had a short sleeve t-shirt in the back seat. I grab it and throw it on over my long sleeve. Now, for any woman who grew up playing sports, you know how to change a complete outfit, in broad daylight, in the middle of an open space, without showing one ounce of skin, giving the illusion that you’re magic. In a matter of 30 seconds or less you could have your entire outfit changed and a new one in its place, no one the wiser. I channeled this skill from my youth and did just that. Before anyone knew it, I shimmied right out of that long sleeve, with the short sleeve in its place, no – skin – exposed, I'm telling you, it's like a gift this skill of mine. Feeling quite proud and impressed with myself that I still have this trick mastered, I turned to hop back in the jeep and see an elderly couple just staring at me. The guy says, where did you learn to do that? My response…prison. Easier explanation than going through the explanation I just gave all of you.

4. When I wasn’t changing my clothes in public places this week, I was wishing I could. Bed bugs. Whoever came up with that rhyme, good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite…was a sick sick individual. One of the many perks of working in social services and doing home visits, is you get to meet all sorts of bugs. I can do rats, mice, bats, cockroaches, dogs, cats, ferrets, and all the things that come with that list, but when it comes to bed bugs, I draw the line. This week I met an individual who likes to save the bed bugs he finds in his apartment in jars. Not sure why, but he does. How do I know this? Because he showed me. I could've done without that.

5. Remember the angry potato from a few weeks ago? Well, he’s still around, or was anyway until a few days ago. Not looking too bad for himself with the exception of a few wrinkles because he’s a potato and potatoes don’t stay fresh forever. Unbeknownst to him, he would be called upon earlier this week to fulfill his angry potato duties - to complete a task that all angry potatoes wait their entire short lives for…to inflict unsolicited angry potato wisdom on those who least expect it. Angry Potato was tasked with reminding an individual of his wrongdoings, that he had strayed from the path of good, doing so while banging around the bed of this person's pick-up truck. No potato, person or property were harmed, only a reminder provided via potato wisdom that if one does not wish to be inflicted with such wisdom, then don’t be an ass.      

6. I’ve been blaming those rotten woodland creatures for chewing on my tomato planter on the deck. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still rotten and can’t be trusted and would be wise to stay the hell away from my back door, but I can’t place blame on them when the blame isn’t due. Wrongly accusing all woodland creatures of messing with my plants, I caught Goose nibbling on all my vegetable pots the other night as if they were a buffet set up just for her. My apologies. Goose is a Jerk.

7. Speaking of jerks and nothing being sacred around here. I’ve been slow moving on getting my planters out on my deck this year and have been getting things together little by little. This year I decided I was going to mix it up a bit and added a planter with all sorts of little flowering plants in it that attract hummingbirds and fairies, because naturally fairies are real, and I’m no fool, I’m not messing with the fairies and will do what’s necessary to make them comfortable when they stop by. I thought I’d include a small fountain feature on the top and excitedly ordered my little solar fountain gadget from amazon that’ll be here by the weekend. Went one step further and added four little outdoor fish to the water feature of the planter. Proud of myself and anticipating the arrival of the fountain to make my project complete, I went about my business to come back shortly later to discover two of the fish missing, later to be found outside of their new watery home and laying on the deck. How did they get there? Did I fill the water too high? Did they accidentally swim out? What the heck, they looking for somewhere better to live and thought they could swim away? Did the fairies stop by already, use their magic, and make them disappear? So - many - questions. Crazy little bastards were still alive, got tossed back into the pot and then we see this....no remorse.

8. “Sometimes I just wanna take him and shake him…” Sue Miller, sometime this week. I didn’t ask for clarification on this statement or who she was referring to…I was just trying to stay out of the way and happy I not be the subject of this statement.

9. Derek my Philodendron Gloriosum, has struck up an attitude and I’m over his nonsense. If you don’t like it here, you can hit the bricks. He has been relocated to the outdoors until he can change his attitude and get it together… shape up buddy, it'll start getting cold again before we know it.

10.  Venmo – I’d like to think that I’ve gotten with the times and am on the up and up when it comes to venmo and online banking and money exchange type things. I’m here to report that I’m not, and recently venmo’d a grad gift because let’s be honest, do these kids really care if they get a card? No. They’re all about the cash. I collected the venmo info, wrote my little note with the coinciding emoji that met the occasion, hit send and bam, off it went – to a complete stranger. All it took was one extra dash where it didn’t belong, and I was sending a grad gift to someone who up until that point, had no idea I existed. How do you get your money back from Venmo when things like this happen? Normally, you don’t. I went back on, put a note in the comment section explaining I sent this in error and you know what? The person sent it back to me…there are still good people out there with a conscience people. Restored my faith in humanity a little bit.

And last but not least…whatever your plans this weekend, enjoy yourselves. If you’re lucky enough to still have your dad, celebrate him. Don’t make him build or assemble something or check the tire pressure on your car or mow a lawn. Let him sit back and relax a bit and enjoy the day. To Al, I don’t know what to tell you, I told you girls were scary and Sam was going to grow up and move away leaving you to fend for yourself. To my friends who are Dad’s, you’re all awesome and doing a great job – you may not think we see or appreciate you, but we do. Keep on keeping on - we love you!

Have a great weekend!