Your Weekly Antics Sue Miller has Left the Hood Edition...7-21-22

Well kids, it's been pointed out to me that I spent far too much time making fun of Coach Matt in last weeks Antics and we owe him an addendum. We failed to mention that his Rockets team won the Championship game, winning the Franklin tournament and we publicly apologize for this oversight. Will this oversight keep me from picking him a part in this weeks Antics? Perhaps temporarily. We may give him a break this week, but rest assured we have a tournament coming up this weekend, so we may be back at it for next week. As one of our sources stated, when that much material lands unsolicited in your lap it would be a crying shame to ignore it. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. hope you’ve all survived the Buck Moon or whatever the hell you call it -I’m not convinced it’s over - or that the next full moon on August 11th isn’t already creeping in and messing with us and the universe. If you’re looking for housing, specifically elder housing, more than one bedroom, that allows 10 cats, 4 dogs, a parrot, 35 weed plants and a whole growing system; has room on the premises for you to make your homemade moonshine; free food but not home delivered meals because you want something of the gourmet variety; you’re looking for a homemaker who will clean your house daily at no cost to you; food for the mice you have living with you because they're your friends that you refer to as pets and refuse to have an exterminator come to remove them so you don't get evicted; tell me you have bed bugs but that it’s okay because they’re not bothering you because they too are God's creatures; you want me to tell social security, or the VA, or whoever the hell you think should be paying you, that you deserve an unlimited amount of cash because you live and breathe; you want free transportation - not just to medical appointments but also to the local convenience store so you can sit and play keno, but not necessarily to the liquor store because you’d rather have me make arrangements to have your booze and cigarettes delivered to you; you want your sheets and underwear ironed; all while continuing to come to the door naked because this is America and it’s your house and you have the right to do so…I’ll tell you what….do not call me. I will be out for an indefinite amount of time and will be back the day after never. Lose my number. For you community workers out there who are having this same week, I feel you – we really should work for free - this much fun day in and day out and we still get paid - I can't believe it either.

2. Talk about being innovative and making the most out of things…you go to the golf course and grab yourself some grub after you’re done with a round of golf. You’re served your food. You’re going to multitask so figure you’ll eat while driving to your next destination. You walk away food in hand, get in your car, start to drive away, and realize you didn’t grab a fork on your way out. Well now this could be a predicament because you’re already in the car, you’re committed, and way too lazy to get out and go back inside for the proper utensils…nobody’s got time for that. Your food choice wasn’t exactly finger food or something you can eat with your hands while in the car, now you’re in for a sticky mess, but maybe not. After all, you’re in it to win it, and you’ve made up your mind to make it work, all without spilling a drop on you, your clothes, or your steering wheel. Perfect opportunity to be creative, improvise and show off your survival skills should you happen to find yourself stranded in the middle of the woods someday forkless with an order of barbeque chicken tenders and fries - you do what this kid did…Exhibit 1, I give you golf tee dining ... Keep it moving, no forks needed here

3. Speaking of leaving the hood, his popularity extends

far beyond the Woo and the 05 people, especially among the wild rabbit population. Even on vacation Ronnie Miller is harassed by woodland creatures near and far; crossing state lines doesn’t deter these little buggers from seeking him out. Soon after arriving on his vacation – whereabouts will be kept confidential allowing this ever so popular Mayor-like brother of mine to enjoy his vacation anonymously like the rest of us common folk - he comes across this, Exhibit 2. This furry white tailed vicious creature attempting to blend effortlessly into the landscape in hopes of catching sight of the one and only Ronnie Miller. Sitting...lurking...he waits. Waits for the perfect opportunity to pounce – he’s either going for his neck or his vacation cocktail – it could go either way. We speak the truth here at The Antics, your friendly neighborhood Bartender is not safe anywhere – true story.

4. Some of you may be asking, where the hell has Beet been? I too am asking the same question. She doesn’t call. She doesn’t write. She’s not keeping up with her weekly texts about her walks that include photo’s with her latest strange and odd finds. Get it together Beet – you’ve got a following and a public to please. What kind of fresh hell is this? You work for the government for crying out loud – where are you??? Exhibit 3, Beet?

5. It takes a village – oh it certainly does. Let’s talk about Sue Miller. Sue Miller is featured regularly in The Antics, therefore like my brother, she too meets the criteria for Mayoral status. If Sue Miller is out and about, you bet she’s going to be seen, she can’t get away with anything. One would think that once you’re retired you can go about your business anonymously, well think again, that’s not the case. She may think she’s super stealthy and ninja like, but you can’t be as popular as her and expect to be out and about venturing off of Park Ave, wandering about the 02 and the 03 and not be seen, it just doesn’t work that way. So picture this. Sitting at home, minding my own business I get a text entitled “Sue Miller sighting” and attached is this photo in Exhibit 4. That would be my Mother - and unknowingly to her, her image was being captured as she’s going about her business. I got texts with this title not once, but twice last week – count them, twice - both with photo evidence of her whereabouts. I ask her why she didn’t ask me to run her errands and she says, now why the hell would I do that when I’m perfectly capable of going myself? And that’s that. Exhibit 4, photo evidence. Sue's hit the road.

6. Driving home in the jeep with the youngest Kap kid the other night with the top down. We told Al we were heading to Sue Miller’s to put the trash out, then decided to take a little detour and get us all some ice cream. Seeing as you can’t find an ice cream joint anywhere in the 02, we were forced to travel outside of Tatnuck and up the hill into the woods to obtain our ice cream sustenance. We get our ice cream and head back to the jeep where we think we can sit and hang out and enjoy our delicious ice-cold treat, in 85 degree hot and humid weather. Well kids, the bugs like the woods, and they like the humidity, therefore sitting in the jeep with the top down eating ice cream wasn’t working out for us, we were getting eaten alive. I decide in all of my infinite wisdom that I can handle eating an ice cream cone, in the middle of a heat wave, while driving. I’m here to tell you, it didn’t work out so well. See, basic chemistry will tell us that heat and ice cream aren’t a great combo to begin with but when you couple that with the air blowing at you when driving 50 mph with the top down, things are gonna get messy. It didn’t end well for me, the jeep, or my ice cream cone. Read below for some basic fun facts regarding the chemistry of ice cream. Learn from me people. Don’t repeat my mistakes.

https://medium.com/show-some-stempathy/the-science-behind-ice-cream-61436b592a37

7. So after reading #5, I’m sure you’re thinking, damn, that must’ve been a mess. Or, you’ve stopped reading this all together because you’ve finally smartened up and decided you don’t have time to read on about all of this nonsense. If you are still reading you may be on the edge of your seat thinking what happened next? Did she make it home? Did she throw her ice cream out the window? Okay, let’s not be rash, get a hold of yourselves, absolutely no ice cream fell victim to the window or the winding road – you all know me better than that, get it together. Instead, an epiphany hit me…I’m an adult. I am no longer a child who is being told that I can not wipe my face on my shirt or the sleeve of my shirt. I won’t be yelled at or receive a swift blow to the back of my head should I decide, as an adult, to make an educated and split-second decision to save myself and more importantly my ice cream, but wiping my face on my shirt. Damn right I did it. I wiped my face on my sleeve while driving down 122 and to the youngest Kap kids horror, enjoyed every minute of it. This is what happens when I leave the Woo…all bets are off and anarchy ensues. I highly suggest you try it, I found it quite liberating.

8. Despite all the confidence oozing out of #7, I’d be a liar if I didn’t tell you that incidents such as this ice cream mishap do, on occasion, come with consequences. Those consequences are Al. Al likes a neat and tidy vehicle, especially the Jeep. In my defense, if he’d stop getting into the Jeep or the van and immediately clean up after me then I would have had all necessary items at the ready to assist me in this ice cream mishap. But no, he’s gotta get into the vehicles and clean them out every flippin time he steps foot in them. There is a method to my madness and when I leave napkins or wet wipes or individually folded paper towels in various areas of the vehicles, this is not trash, these are supplies, therefore should be left alone, I have plans for them. As I’ve said in past weeks, Al’s not new here and was well aware of what he signed up for, so do not pity the man. With all of that said, without all my individual paper towels that I like to leave around, I was forced to become creative in cleaning up my mess, and I may or may not have used the front of my shirt. This may sound a bit over the top, but way I look at it, if any of you ever end up stranded somewhere with me with limited supplies because Al threw away all my stuff thinking it was trash, don’t worry, I can improvise with just about anything and I’ll keep us alive. As for Al, by the time you all read this, he’s probably already sniffed out the ice cream and has dusted for fingerprints. #denydenydeny

9. After the ice cream debacle, I received a text from one who shall not be named, who apparently is not receiving the updates on the Rockets Team app. I explained that for a period of time, I too was not receiving all of the notifications and was forced to torment Coach Matt via text. I’m not a stalker people, I wasn’t gonna start calling the guy, come on, I’m better than that. I’m here to say that I believe I finally broke the man, he couldn’t take it anymore, and finally fixed whatever needed to be fixed on said app, and low and behold it was like a Christmas Miracle one day and I started receiving all notifications – all of them – all the time. I suggested to this individual that he or she do the same. If you text the poor guy long enough he finally gets sick of you and next thing you know -BAM -you’re getting every possible notification you could ever ask for. You’re welcome.

10. Let’s revisit # 2 shall we? Exhibit 6, RG and Rosie. While Ronnie was on vacation being harassed by woodland creatures (Exhibit 5), the middle Kap kid has been hanging out with Rosie and Abby and not being harassed by woodland creatures. Coincidence? I think not. You need a dog sitter – call the middle kid – like her Mother, she likes dogs far more than she likes people...she’s got you covered.

And last but not least...stay cool this weekend kids. Should you run in to Beet let her know that she can lose the disguise and come out of hiding, we're looking for her. If you're short on forks, see Tristan, he's your guy. Sue Miller - if you see her out and about, snap a pic and text it to me, we can make a game of it, like Where's Waldo...As for Ronnie, we've been checking on him, and he remains safe, hidden away on vacation... And for those of you who continue to read The Antics week after week thank you - you do my heart good.

Have a great weekend!