Your Weekly Antics, Stupid Elf Edition...12-7-23

Well kids, we have 17 days until Christmas. For those of you who stress out about this kind of thing, it's going to be okay. You have 17 days left to get your gifts, get them wrapped, try not to forget where you put those wrapped and purchased gifts. Cut down and/or find your tree. Put that tree up. Locate the Christmas stockings to hang by your fireplace with care, or throw in the general direction of the fire place, whatever works. Get your outside lights up, your inside lights up, take them down again when you realize they don't work and you're done trying to replace bulbs. Find the missing Christmas ornaments you put in the designated Christmas storage section of your attic that you insist exists, even though we all know it's really a free for all up there. When you can't find them and you're done blaming your significant other for throwing them out the last time a dumpster landed in your driveway, go out and buy all new ornaments. Once they're purchased, the old ones will be located in a completely different area than you insisted you stored them. When you think you're all settled and in good shape, go back out and replace all of the above when you realize all or most of the above have been eaten and/or destroyed by your dog. Or, you can be like us at The Antics...give up entirely and just embrace the season. Christmas is coming whether you like it or not, so may as well try to enjoy it. No need to have a complete conniption during this most wonderful time of the year. With all that said, here's what I've got...

1. Are your kids teetering on the edge of not believing in the big guy? Are they badgering you about his true identity? Are they setting up traps and scheming trying to find tangible proof that Santa is a fake? If they are going on and on about the likeliness of Santa being real, hold steady - those little people aren't the boss of you - hold firm and stand your ground. Should you waiver, you will regret it…unless of course you are a non believer and perhaps unsure of Santa’s existence yourself. If you ask the oldest Kap kid he may tell you that he was once given the inside scoop on this phenomenon, but his parents will maintain until their dying breath that this in fact was a fever dream. He may think he was told Santa was someone else other than who he had always been lead to believe, but this would be false. If you don’t believe in the mystery that is Santa and his flying sleigh and reindeer and the fact that he can slow down time to fly all over the world spreading good cheer all in one night, then Christmas is over, it’s that simple. Don't let your kids hassle you...let the big guy live on.

2. Let’s talk about the Elf on the Shelf. That no good meddling Elf that causes unnecessary angst for parents everywhere. Once that Elf is introduced into your household, there’s no turning back. If you didn’t listen to me over the years and allowed that intruder into your home, I bet you’re wishing you listened now. Like that stray cat you let in that was only supposed to stay one night, once he’s in, he’s in. He gets comfortable. At first, like a shiny penny, he’s the new guy. He’s cute. His antics are adorable. Then after awhile you realize he needs more assistance with these escapades than you originally anticipated. He misrepresented himself and is not, in fact, as independent as he let on. You are now finding yourself scrambling before your little believers get out of bed in the morning to think up new and creative ways that Elf got into mischief while you all slept. Your original thoughts of this Elf contributing to the pleasure and memory making that the holiday season consists of, have been tossed aside while you come to the conclusion that this little bastard has done nothing but contribute to your rising blood pressure. Exhibit a., this is how I feel about the Elf. And b., this could be the solution to your Elf problems.

3. Hanukkah. Festival of Lights. Hanukkah begins today and for those who celebrate, I hope it’s a joyous season. Do not think that the celebrators of Hanukkah have avoided such nonsense as spoken of in #2. There’s an Elf for every season as shown in Exhibit 2, Mensch on a Bench. And let’s not forget Snoop on a Stoop and Ranch on a Branch.

4. You all think I’m nuts with the nonsense I write about every week, well hear this. Woodland creatures. They are definitely on Santa’s naughty list. If you’re a regular reader of The Antics, our stories of woodland creatures will be familiar to you – if you’re not, let’s back up a bit. The band of woodland creatures who hang out in our yard. We've all been lead to believe that Harley is protecting us and our property from said critters. I'm here to tell you that Harley has been slacking and not doing her job. Either that or she’s taken the approach we at The Antics have taken on Christmas - sick of chasing them and giving up entirely, she's joined them. I hail from a long line of Verizon employees. Al is a long time employee; Sue Miller is a retiree of the company and so on. So when my landline isn’t working, one would think that at least the person I live with would act swiftly and get it fixed, but no – this would be false and presumptuous of me. The land line started off scratchy eventually becoming full on static and then completely inaudible. The head of the Kap pack finally did what he needed to do to alert his phone company brethren that our line was in need of some attention. Low and behold along comes two reliable dedicated Verizon employees, Outside Technicians, let’s call them Ron and Billy. Ron and Billy look at the outside line, the one that runs from the house to a pole behind Snow Blower Joe’s house. My suspicions were confirmed…squirrels. Those bastards, coupled with Mother Nature, ate through our phone line. Those fury ungrateful beasts chewed right through them like they were beef jerky being served up to them buffet style. Lines are now fixed, Harley has been informed that she is going to be out of a job soon if she doesn’t get her act together, and our landline is now back up and running so that tele markers and scammers near and far can ring my phone all day and all night. I’m not giving up my landline people - when aliens take over and cut off all your cell service and you don’t have a phone to use, I will be here to say, I told you so.

5. Dog school. Pretty sure Gibson will be asking Santa for someone new to accompany him to his weekly dog classes, preferably someone who can differentiate between their left and their right, and backward and forward. This past week was a bit of a struggle, and sadly, not due to Gibson, but instead due to the person who drove him there. He went about his business, being dragged about, having his nap time interrupted, and now he too cannot differentiate between his left and right having been given given false information for a solid 60 minutes. Exhibit 3, Gibson telling me to get it together...

6. Christmas trees. When you have pets, this is always an adventure. I wonder if our fury friends watch us putting up the giant tree and think to themselves, finally - they finally get it. Took them long enough to finally bring the yard inside to us, because it’s cold out there. We used to go this route, but much to the disappointment of the Kap kids, we broke down and purchased a fake tree. Yes, one would think we had murdered Santa himself bringing a fake tree into the house, but fact of the matter is, as the kids get older, no one can coordinate time to get the tree. You get the tree and no one’s around to decorate it and it gets decorated one ornament at a time. Then comes taking it down after Christmas and those kids beat feet as if they’ve left the country. So fake tree it is. This does not deter the fury creatures of our household from climbing it, eating the lights until they flicker, knocking off ornaments, bumping into it, each time moving it little by little until it has been relocated all together. It’s like a new tree every time we come home; sometimes the ornaments are on it, most times not. Despite what is seen in Exhibit 4, as of right now, lights are still working.

7. Add a new puppy to the mix, one who hasn’t experienced Christmas yet and all the Christmas decorating that comes with that, only adds another element to what is Christmas décor in the Kap house. Rather than pay astronomical vet bills to have our most beloved and cherished ornaments removed from Gibsons small intestines, we have decided to only decorate the part of the tree that he cannot reach. This means only the top quarter has any ornaments on it. Just enough to catch the glow of the flickering lights before they short out from the cat eating them. And who am I kidding…we don’t have beloved and cherished ornaments because there’s always been someone here of the fury variety who likes to eat and knock down ornaments from our tree. The ornaments that have survived mostly consist of those the kids made in pre school.

8. Exhibit 5, the Christmas ducks of Dr. Dimitrios Anglelis' office, aka Dr. Jimmy. Every corner and surface of his office was adorned with these tiny miniature ducks dressed in Christmas gear. One of the Nurses commented that they were slowly going missing. Another Nurse said not to worry, she would order more. The receptionist said they were missing because she was telling people to take them and get them the hell out of her office. We left with 2. Thanks Dr. Jim.

9. Exhibit 6. Maybe we call each other the night before work to coordinate our outfits, maybe we don't. We'll never tell. Damn, we are good lookin...

10. Charlie Payson sighting # 501 cheering on Luke Foley and the West Boylston Lions at Gillette Stadium. We may need a special edition of The Antics featuring Charlie Payson and Charlie Payson only. Poor kid...he has no idea what a following he has, or that we’re stalking him.

And last but not least…enjoy the start of the holiday season. This does not mean disassembling the light display on your neighbors lawn, that is frowned upon. Should you do so, run.

Have a great weekend!