Your Weekly Antics - Roosters of the Hood Edition...2-17-22

Well kids, happy mid February. I hope you all survived Valentine’s Day or International Single’s Day or whatever the hell it is Hallmark was trying to make us celebrate. If you haven’t already, I hope you all ran down to CVS to pick up your 50% off bags of Valentine’s day candy for yourselves, not because you’re a scrub and accidentally forgot your special someone and are now trying to make up for it and redeem yourself, but because everyone deserves a little chocolate in their lives, and 50% off chocolate always tastes better. If your significant other isn't on board with our thoughts that Valentine's Day is a scam, you can try to make up for it and share your half off candy, or keep it for yourself because the damage is already done and you may just as well move on. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Here’s a state you’ll never see me in, I don't care how good their cheese is…Wisconsin –

La Crosse Wisconsin to be more specific. Word on the street is they have a law stating it is illegal to worry a squirrel…I don’t know what in the fresh hell that’s all about, but I’m not going anywhere that takes a squirrels worries in to account over mine. They’re shifty and can’t be trusted. You don’t believe me? Check this out… https://www.johnsflaherty.com/blog/weird-wisconsin-laws-make-unwitting-criminals

2. I received this above tid bit of information from none other than Beet. Beet will be heading to Korea next week kids, so not only should we all wish her safe travels while she does her part to save the world, but we should all sit and ponder what the hell kind of photo’s, snippets and wisdom she will gather while there and bestow upon us – I myself am looking forward to it - we never know what she's gonna find and what we're gonna get.

3. AAA. Not to be confused with AA, for those of you not familiar, I'm talking Triple A, as in roadside assistance. Get a load of this, Exhibit 1. Andrea was on the side of the road this week for 2 hours waiting for the assistance of AAA in changing a flat tire that she of course gained, no thanks to the fabulously maintained winter streets of the Woo. I don't believe you hit a curb Andrea, I'm blaming the potholes that are all over our fine city's streets and roadways. I’m not impressed Enrico, Noel and Ted. If you say you’re coming, you best show up. That’s just not nice and irresponsible. In thinking further on this, I’m wondering if perhaps this trio are fans of that deer Andrea ran over on Park Ave a few months back? Maybe that’s why they left her on the side of the road…city wildlife is working against us and has infiltrated the higher ups…I hope Andrea had a bag of half off Valentine's candy in the car so she had something to snack on while waiting on those fools to show up and save her.

4. In case anyone’s wondering, here’s a fun fact. Roosters. Roosters on Canterbury Street. You heard it here first. I know this shouldn’t surprise anyone, but I have to admit, sitting on the side of the road getting ready to head into my visit and hearing a rooster and seeing him stroll on by was still a bit surprising to me. And of course I texted Parenteau, because who else is really going to care what I see when I’m on the side of the road? And no, I didn’t get a picture. I’m not messing with a city rooster people, I don’t want my eyes pecked out. You calling me a chicken? Check this out -

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/rooster-pecked-australian-woman-death-medical-journal-reports-n1049586

5. Cats. Now anyone who knows me knows that I love animals, minus the squirrel. In fact, if asked, you should all know that I prefer animals more than most people, so don’t take offense. However, my relationship with the cat species varies. I go in with a fresh outlook and hope for the best. I think to myself, they couldn’t have possibly all banded together and spread the word amongst their feline friends that I’m not to be trusted or liked, could they? Is there some kind of underground cat telepathy used to alert each other, putting me on their radar so they can prepare to band against me? People may complain about the Pitt bulls in the city, but you’ll never hear a complaint from me. I’d take a house full of pitt bulls over cats any day of the week. In fact, after that visit I spoke of in #4, that rooster was looking pretty dam good in comparison to the disgruntled cats I had just left. True Story.

6. if you're feeling motivated and would like to start your day extra early, my weather app has informed me that not only is this full moon as I mentioned in last weeks Antics the brightest moon of the year, but sky watchers can also view the small and elusive planet Mercury this week every morning in the southeastern sky around 45 to 60 minutes before sunrise. That puts you between 5:41 am and 6:00 am if you're so inclined to take a stroll outside and look upward. Venus and Mars will also be visible in that area of the sky and will serve as reference points to help you find Mercury, which will appear below and to the left of the other planets. We are not just a bunch of pretty faces here at The Antics...we are also a wealth of Cliff Clavin type knowledge. You're welcome. Exhibit 2 for you younger Antics reader who have absolutely no idea who Cliff Clavin is, here he is, circa 1989 ish on Cheers.

7. If anyone should see Jim Burns and he tries to give you five dollars to give to me, do not except it. I don’t care if it’s in small change such as dimes, quarters, pennies or Buffalo nickels. I don’t care if it’s rolled change, loose change, in a zip lock bag, or if he attempts to pay you in increments of five cents per installment. No Canadian currency. Not in farmers market coupons, parking vouchers, parking tokens. I will not except any bus passes in place of a five dollar bill, nor will I accept five dollars worth of home delivered meals. No gas cards, no monopoly money, no arcade tokens. Don't let him email that $5 to you because Jim Burns has super powers and can make that happen. Don't listen to a word he says or believe any story he's trying to sell you. Do not accept any currency of any type from him or from Joe Burns who I suspect he may try to use as his underground currency smuggler. Don’t ask questions just don’t take the five dollars.

8. Now this is a job I could get behind and would consider giving up all the glory that the Protective Services Department at Elder Services provides me. This right here folks is my new found fascination...it may have a more official name should you google it or attempt to make such a purchase, but for all intents and purposes here at the Antics, I am referring to this fine piece of machinery as the Gymboni, not to be confused with what I would consider its larger counterpart, the Zamboni. Now inside sources may share with you that driving a Zamboni is on my bucket list - well let me tell you this - the Gymboni may have just replaced that goal or is at least now 2nd on that list. And, it's warmer and closer to the ground - I won't have to climb any heights or be in the cold to operate it - I'm not hard to please people. #retirementgoals Exhibit 3 The Doherty Gymboni & more infamously, its operator, Ryan Sweeney.

9. I was at a fine respectable establishment recently and started speaking to the Receptionist. She appeared to be a competent, pleasant, professional and personable 20 something and we got to talking as she was ringing me out. I pulled out my wallet and started digging through it - I can't be the only one who has receipts, and cash, and notes, and credit cards, and business cards, appointment cards, maybe some cash, a note from 2002 or something to remind me of somewhere I needed to be - I finally pulled out my debit card and jokingly said, I have to do something about my Costanza wallet. She smiles and says, oh no, is something wrong with it? I said yes, it's totally overstuffed, I need to go through it. She responds, maybe Costanza makes a larger wallet you can buy to replace it? I smile and try to explain to her that Costanza isn't an actual wallet name or brand or company, that I was referencing an episode from Seinfeld. The girl just smiled shaking her head having absolutely no idea what I was talking about. I try to explain further...it used to be a sitcom, was on every week. She says, ohhhh, on Netflix. I say well now it is, but it used to be on TV every week, on Thursdays. I think I'm getting somewhere and she says Ohhhhh Seinfeld...I've heard of that streaming app - is there anything good on it? I'm tired of hulu and apple tv... No, Seinfeld isn't a streaming app, it's a show - it was popular in the 90's...it was on every Thursday night on NBC....crickets. I left there thinking, fabulous...15 minutes of my life I'm not getting back and clearly I need that time because I am now

officially old.

10. Went to visit Gramma Edie last weekend and what a trip it was. Despite realizing who I was, she was still happy to see me. As we know, this could've gone either way, so I took this as a win and went with it. Soon I realized I was not the focus of her rage because instead her annoyance was directed at her roommate Doris, who apparently is the devil and some other choice words that even us at The Antics are fearful to put in print. Now Edie, at almost 100, isn't what we'd describe as the best reporter out there, so often I take what she says with a grain of salt. She starts telling me that Doris is quite the criminal mastermind, using her sticky fingers to help herself to all sorts of goodies while wandering from room to room in the Nursing Home. Edie starts naming items that Doris has taken from her already that day...orange juice, carton of milk, toothbrushes, a notebook, her face cream. All the while I'm sympathizing with her and shaking my head at the youngest Kap kid to assure her that all's okay and this is just a figment of Edies over active imagination. That was until we were standing at the Nurses station getting ready to leave and Doris walked by drinking an orange juice while holding a carton of milk, a handful of unopened toothbrushes, a notepad and Edie's Ponds Cold Cream...Exhibit 4, look out Doris, Edie's pissed.

11. And last but not least, I hope you've learned something from this weeks Antics. Don't take any cash from Jim Burns, don't go to Wisconsin unless you plan on being extra kind to squirrels, don't cross that rooster when it's crossing the road in the hood and do yourself a favor and don't steal Edie's stuff. Enjoy todays beautiful weather people, but don't get used to it...it's a Fool's Spring!

Have a great weekend!