Your Weekly Antics, Rats & Rats & More Rats Edition...9-1-2022

Well kids, I hope you’re all surviving the first week back to school. As if traffic in and around the Woo hasn't been bad enough this summer, let's throw back to school traffic and the construction happening on every corner in to the mix just to keep things interesting. We've got school bus traffic, car traffic, traffic on 290, traffic on Park Ave., construction traffic, pedestrian traffic, the occasional turkey crossing the road traffic... there's a lot of traffic people, so pay attention. Here's what I've got...

1. Talking about traffic and driving, I'm happy to report to you my loyal readers, that despite my reputation of shenanigans and the like, I have crossed over city lines in to Shrewsbury successfully and without incident on several occasions in recent weeks. I have made it in and out of that town numerous times without incident and have gone unnoticed. Now let's not get ahead of ourselves, I'm not saying that the powers that be who assign reports are going to start rushing to give me assignments to do the work of the people in that particular zip code, but things may be looking up. There will be no promises made that I will continue to cross from the city limits in to that town unscathed, but I thought it was worth mentioning that so far so good. I’ll keep you posted.

2. Ask a smart ass question, get a smart ass answer... question directed at a a certain kid - "What are your goals for sophomore year?" Kid, “ to get expelled so I don’t have to go back…” She then recanted and said she'd have to think on it using her tried and true phrase, WWSD? WWSD is what you ask? What Would Sam Do...she's got a plan, more that I can say for most.

3. It’s pickle season people and if you haven’t received your homemade jarred pickles from Vickie, then I don’t know what to tell you, you're out of luck. You should ask yourself, what have I done to be excluded from the coveted pickle list? Well let me tell you, it’s kind of like Christmas. If you’re not nice for the whole year prior to pickle season, you’ll be excluded from the pickle list. Like Santa, Vickie has her naughty and nice list, however, I like to refer to it as you’ve been a tool or you’ve not been a tool list. If you've been a tool in the past 12 months, forget it, no pickles for you. If you've been a half way decent individual, then you stand a chance of getting yourself some pickles. She has eyes everywhere and if you’ve wronged anyone she loves, you are done for and crossed off her list. So get it together kids or you won’t be getting pickles next year either. Exhibit 1, heed the advice of the Tractor Supply skeleton and don't be a tool.

4. Here's your weekly tip...when asked by a teacher as part of a classroom project if you are an only child, think before you answer. If you're the youngest of three and the older two have gone through the same school before you, there's a good chance that the teacher will have had your siblings in class in past years. If you have a last name with 12 letters in it that no one can spell or pronounce, hate to tell you kid, but you're sticking out like a sore thumb. So, when you try to say you're an only child and the teacher calls you out on it, I'm pretty sure you're explanation of how you've come to that conclusion isn't gonna fly. You may have responded, I may as well be an only child because the other two are never home, but alas, you are still the third in line. Your teachers know this because they've been around the block a few times and can count, so nice try. Just because the older two have grown up and gotten lives and don't have time to hang out with the likes of us, that doesn't count. The guilt factor that this will inflict on your siblings may help you out, but don't hold your breath. Let me know how it works out for you.

5. Rats. For those of you long time readers out there, you may be familiar with Leah Hazards infamous quote, Ghetto mice, not quite rats, not quite mice... I’m here to tell you that I’ve run in to my fair share this past week and I’m over it. Initially I was going to say that if I had to choose between a city rat or a country rat because no rat wasn’t an option, I’d go with country rats. Now, I’m taking that back. Doesn’t matter where the rats are from, they’re brazen little bastards. Whether they’re sowing their oats up in the Burncoat area or harassing me out in the ham (Oakham) I want nothing to do with them. I’m in support of all God’s creatures but I have to draw a line somewhere, and that’s my line - rats - stay the hell away from me. Way out in one of the towns, much like the city, they run wild and they run free occasionally watching us from atop the grassy knoll. What I’d like to add however is that out in the towns they are extremely well fed and they need to keep their chubby little bodies, long gross tails and beady little eyes to themselves. I don’t want to see them, hear them, acknowledge them. I don’t care where they live, how they get into your house or how they exit your house to meet up with their nasty friends and invite them back to your homestead like they’re frat boys throwing a rager. I don’t want to know that they get a long with your dog, which is a big fat lie by the way, I’m pretty sure that dog wanted to come home with me... and I don’t want you to tell me that you share your home delivered meals with them. Keep it to yourself. Rats belong outside, not roaming around your kitchen - I don't care that you're a lover of all creatures, some creatures belong outside and rats are some of them. As long as they're inside, I'll talk to you from the street. Peace Out.

6. Here's a fun fact. There has been visual evidence that the rats of the Woo aren't just privy to any one particular area of the city, they are unbiased and will go where the food is. With that said, they've begun their migration across the city and have been seen in the 02. This was brought to my attention one morning earlier this week when my neighbor proudly announced that he caught one of the little bastards in the act of stealing and eating his home grown prized tomatoes. Let that be a lesson to the other rats in that pack that their behavior will not be tolerated. Keep your paws off Bills tomatoes. And while you're at it, stay away from Anjeza's too...they are not messing around.

According to some articles the Pandemic is also to blame for the increase in the growing rat problem in Massachusetts...

https://www.pestendinc.com/blog/why-is-there-an-uptick-in-rodents-in-massachusetts

7. Harley update - you think I make this stuff up. Exhibit 3 is picture proof that the woodland creatures of fur and flight spend their days messing with her. 6:00 am I go to let Harley outside for her morning constitutional romp around the yard checking to see all is well and in order. I open the door and see this - this devious or perhaps stupid morning dove chilling out on the front porch like he belongs there. Like that spot is not directly in front of Harley's perch on the porch where she spends her mornings assessing the hood. I suspect maybe this bird's not too bright because if you've seen a morning dove you'll know that they just saunter around, no urge in urgency, never in a hurry and going nowhere fast. This is not good for the morning dove but improves Harleys odds in catching him because Harley is a plott hound. Plott hounds catch birds. Don't be a dumbass, bird. When you wind up dead I'm going to have to bury you. Help me - help you - help me.

8. Just another day in the Woo...how much do you think this guy got paid to walk around in 90 + degree heat a few weeks ago outside of the Worcester Historical Society? Do you think this person was true to the suit? Do you think he was smiling on the inside or wishing he'd be swallowed up by the sidewalk? Do you think he wished he could take that big yellow head of his and pop those balloons with it? How long do you think he had to walk around like that? Did he get a water break? What did he do to get that job in the dead heat of summer? I. Gotta. Know.

9. Smiles. Just because these kids are growing up and are all off in different directions doesn't mean that they're going to get out of our annual 1st Day of School picture. We will go to great lengths to capture this first week of school photo as the case may be this year, and so far, these kids manage to coordinate their schedules cooperating with me and my craziness...even the oldest kid who's done with school and out working in the world is made to participate. Way to do my heart good kids - Exhibit 4, the neighborhood crew. Have a great school year!

10. I was recently informed that Angel was named CIT Boss and Master of the Universe. After I stopped laughing I was then informed that there will be tshirts made. Please submit your orders with a check in the amount of $19.99 made out to Walter. He's in charge of the orders. Thank you.

And last but not least, heads up - the next full moon is the Harvest Moon and will honor us with its presence on September 10th. According to my moon and astrological sources, otherwise known as google, it's going to be a doozy. Enjoy the calm before the storm!

Have a great weekend!