Your Weekly Antics, The Case of Mistaken Identity Edition...8-3-23

Well kids, here we are in the first week of August and if you read last weeks Antics, you had ample warning about the full moon, the blue moon and all the chaos this moon event brings. Despite my efforts, paying it forward with information and doing my due diligence to keep you all in the know, the universe continues to flip me off and mess with me…and it’s only August 3rd. Here’s what I’ve got….

1. According to those who study astrology and the moons, the super full blue moon of August is a rare occurrence. We should take advantage of this opportunity and get out there and gaze upon the night skies - the next time this event comes our way won't be until 2037. According to those who know more than me, here's what I found...A blue supermoon happens when the moon is at its closest point in orbit to earth AND there are two full moons in one month. These occur on average about every 8 years, but vary. The last one was back in 2018, and we'll have a blue supermoon later this month on August 30th. You'll want to get a view of the blue supermoon then because the next one won't be until 2037.

My interpretation...everyone will be especially off the rails until some time mid September. I should've switched my on call week making myself scarce, like vapor, invisible to all, this entire week. Good luck and Godspeed...buckle up.

2. Started my week doing the work of the people by harassing one of my elders in to cleaning up his apartment to avoid eviction which would ultimately land him living under a bridge. Not like sweeping and organizing, we’re talking de hoarding the pile high trash and treasures that litter every surface of his home. I say harass because that’s what happens when you go to housing court after we’ve worked with you for almost a year and you tell the Judge that no one has helped you. That we, the good people of ESW, are the reason you are in the situation you’re in. Game on friend, I am not messing around. I can make myself look like a jerk on my own time thank you very much, I don’t need you throwing me, unfounded, under the bus. You will now see me sitting next to the dumpster that we have provided you, in my lawn chair, drinking my coffee every single day until your next court date. Get it together.

3. Best street in the history of all streets everywhere. I want to live here. Exhibit 1

4. They’ve been out in droves this week people, and sadly, I was one of them. I’m given a description, a general location, an overview of what the individual I’m looking for has been up to and off I go. I call our local friends in blue to assist me in speaking to the person in question that I believe I’ve successfully located to offer them all the niceties, good will and love that ESW can offer. Put on my best smile and get ready to spread good cheer and see what I can do to help. What happens? I have the wrong guy. No, he’s not homeless. No, he’s not without food or shelter. He’s just some poor slob who lives up the street and enjoys doing his part, giving back to his beloved neighborhood by going around cleaning up trash in his free time. Nothing like being mistaken for a homeless elderly guy…this guy was neither, and was not impressed with my mistaken identity.

5. After my experience as noted in #4, I was a bit gun shy for my next adventure. I get the address, find the location. The house and surroundings meet the description. I’ve checked all the boxes and everything adds up. I enter the home and something doesn’t seem quite right. Why you ask? Because I was inside the wrong house and in the wrong apartment. I don’t need to strum up any more business for myself.

6. Now that I’ve gone to the wrong house and the wrong apartment I call the reporting source to ensure I haven’t lost my mind and ask for clarification on the information that he has provided. Sure enough, yep, the guy no longer lives at the address given. Well thanks for that…I could’ve used that information yesterday as opposed to not at all. Another fun fact, I should probably be informed that the individual in question is a light crack cocaine user…that’s a new one…you either smoke crack or you don’t. You’re in or you’re out. What clarifies light crack use? Does he only smoke it every other day and not on Sundays? And why so? Is he on a budget, watching what he spends, trying to cut back? What the actual hell does that mean? You either smoke it, or you don’t. And again, that would’ve been useful information that would have benefitted me before I walked right in to the wrong house. Jack ass, GET. IT. TOGETHER.

7. So, my call to the referral source spoken about in #6, he of course was apologetic, actually not really, and he gave me this description of the person I’m looking for. You will be looking for a larger bearded gentlemen. Generally disheveled. May be intoxicated. Resistant to help. Will not be interested in speaking to you and will avoid you. Awesome. My first response to him was, you know this description fits just about everyone on Lincoln Street, and everyone on my current caseload, right? Exhibit 2...maybe it’s this guy? No idea because I am not chasing a man down on scooter in the middle of the day in Lincoln Street traffic.

8. I’m going to request that my ESW ID tag that has the worst picture of me ever taken in the history of the world, have Don't flim flam a flim flammer inscribed directly under my name. May as well seeing as those making these reports think I have special powers or that my minuscule little name tag shoots lazer beams out of it or fairy dust that will magically make people stop being stupid and start making better choices.

9. If you call me and call me and call me – leaving me voicemails dripping with disdain despite the fact that it’s a Saturday and a Sunday, and even the Lord doesn’t work on Sundays…and then when I don’t respond immediately on a non work day and you then call everyone you think is more important than me to complain about my lack of response, I, as a good and faithful worker of the people, am going to call you back immediately upon starting my first work day of my new work week. You will be the first call I make. That would be Monday at 8:30am. Oh I’m sorry, is 8:30 my time, 5:30am your time? Oops, sorry about that. That's what you get.

10. Proof that someone does actually read this nonsense every week and picks up a tip or two...Exhibit 3, Worcester's Quality of Life Team, changing lives, saving lives, one turtle at a time...

And last but not least, Exhibit 4...This is great advice but I'd be lying if I told you I didn't consider taking this off and throwing it in traffic.

Have a great weekend!