Your Weekly Antics, Life Hacks and Making Yourself Useful Edition...7-20-23

Well kids, if you haven’t melted or spontaneously combusted as of yet, I hope you’re having a good week. For those of you working from home, I hope you’re doing so pool side, and if not, under your lawn sprinkler. Look at it as paying it forward…you're working on your front lawn under the running sprinkler, causing your lap top to be soaked and water logged... strumming up business for your IT guys. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for them. Here's what I've got...

1. If you’re a homeowner, you’ll know that there is always work to be done. Whether it’s painting walls, hanging shelves, reorganizing, it never ends. Sometimes you run out of materials needed for your project or just don’t have it in you to run to Home Depot to get the proper supplies and decide you’ll improvise. Broken kitchen tiles for instance… you don’t have any grout or cement or whatever the hell it is you’re really supposed to use on hand? Toothpaste. Plain old white Colgate will do, or Crest or whatever you use, your tiles and floor don't care. Slather some of America’s favorite teeth hygiene product on the back of your broken tile, and bam! It’s as good as new and sticks perfectly back in place. You’re welcome. ( This is not Al approved, but what he knows won't hurt him...)

You may never want to use toothpaste to brush your teeth again, but you may find these hacks useful. ..check this out, Exhibit 1

https://www.thespruce.com/ways-to-use-toothpaste-for-cleaning-4160076

2. Washing machines. New washing machines are all fancy with their special dials and cycles and gadgets. Here’s what I have to say about that. All I want is a washing machine that ‘ll run. Put your laundry in, throw in your detergent, push one button and there you go…you’re on your way to clean laundry. Do I need a washing machine that talks to me? Hell no...there are too many people talking to me now that I can't dodge, I don't need my washer talking to me too. Do I need all those blinking lights, noises and beeps? No again. And for the love of God and all that's holy I do not need my washing machine controlled by a remote control or wifi - I can barely turn my tv on by myself, why do you think I keep these kids around, never mind use a remote or WiFi to start the washer. Any idea how hard it is to find a washing machine that just washes clothes? I tried people, and did a pretty good job, or so I thought. The only gadget, if you can call it that, on my machine was the automatic laundry dispenser which up until recently worked out great. The problem is, it holds an entire jug worth of detergent – if you purchase 115 fluid ounces of Tide liquid, that washes 74 loads of laundry. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well it is if a member of your family develops a major skin allergy to that detergent and now you have to figure out how to get all of that detergent out of the dispenser. And before you say it, I tried – the dispenser itself does not disconnect from the washing machine – I’m not a moron.

3. Let me tell you how it works...you start by washing the regular stuff that’s made its way to the basement in laundry baskets. This would be your husbands laundry and the laundry of the youngest Kap kid who so far is hive free. When that’s all done, you move on to any laundry that has fallen from those laundry baskets and are found in various places on the basement floor, some even behind the washer and dryer. When that’s done, you move on to the pile of laundry that’s always left until last and not in high demand, like the extra towels used for the dogs or other stray linens like the giant blanket you use in the fall to drag the leaves to the curb. With that complete, you move on to the dog beds, those can always use a good washing. With nothing else to wash, you finally move on to your own laundry. With that all done and out of the way and if your calculations are correct, you’ve still got approximately 65 loads of laundry to go before that stupid dispenser is empty. What do you do now? You take matters into your own hands. Despite the lack of trust and support and belief of your family who say it can't be done, you cyphon it. That’s right kids, you cyphon that detergent out of the detergent dispenser as if it were gas that cost you $4.99 a gallon you just filled your tank with right before you traded your car in. It may have taken the whole day, but you know what? It worked. How do you like me now, Al?

4. When your older children come down with ailments, you don’t get as worked up as you may have when they were little. Now when my kids tell me they have a headache, I say go grab a glass of water. Body aches? You haven’t been drinking enough water, drink up. Feeling sluggish and tired? Water again. When they come to you with hives, on that first day you throw a Benadryl or two at them and tell them to drink those down with that nice big glass of water you hand them. When the next day rolls around and they wake up covered head to toe in hives, that warrants a stop at Redi Med. When day three is upon you and despite the copious amounts of Benadryl and other meds being ingested, a scratchy throat develops, that constitutes a trip to the ER. I don’t do breathing difficulties, that’s above my scope of mothering abilities and I rely on the professionals. Off to the ER / Land of Misfit Toys we went and there we sat. Overcrowded as usual, the middle kid was set up on a gurney right below the giant round metal button used to open the doors that are the entrance/exit to the ambulance bay. This was a Saturday night so one can imagine how busy it was. Once the hives started to subside and RG regained her airway and was able to sit upright, she put herself to good use, and spent the remainder of her ER time being the ER doorman. Exhibit 2, every situation can present you with an opportunity to be useful. Do it.

5. Out on home visits this week, it was hot, really hot. I prepared myself mentally for the likeliness of running across scarcely clothed elders who were doing their best to deal with the heat. I personally think that once someone hits about 70 years old, they get a note in the mail from someone of importance instructing them to do as they please, when they please, and if that means sitting around in your skivvies all day, so be it. This visit did not disappoint, instead, I was met by an added bonus. This guy was sitting around in what many would not classify as shorts, but instead his Fruit of the Looms, while enjoying the Hallmark channel on his giant flatscreen tv. Lucky for me this Hallmark movie held his interest because him and his undies had little to no time to talk to the likes of me and he had no qualms about telling me I was interrupting his “story”, pointing to the door expressing it would be best if I vacated his humble abode. Let's face it, there could’ve been worse channels he was watching sitting around in his drawers. #hallmarkmovies #respect #sittingaroundinyourskivvies

6. Took a ride to see Gramma Edie this week and that visit too did not disappoint. It was like the twilight zone this visit with her normally disgruntled roommate telling me how fabulous she thought I was and asking when I was moving in. That was followed by another resident who kept wandering around through the door that adjoins their rooms tidying up, or stealing from all the rooms she was wandering in and out of. To make this visit all the more twilight zone-ish, Edie was in a good mood and her selective hearing was on hear allowing us to engage in conversation. I should’ve known it was too good to be true and not to let my guard down. Just like looking into the sun too long and having your eye balls fried, or looking a gift horse in the mouth, the niceties and compliments only lasted so long. Turning to the middle kid in her classic 101 year old whisper/yell voice she says, she has too much hair… don’t you think your Mother needs a haircut? Listen up lady, for starters, this is a genetic trait I inherited from you. I’ve seen the pictures and I don’t know what you and Auntie Ida were using to hold your hair together in the 30’s and 40’s, but I'm pretty sure it was cooking oil or something and/or a product no longer allowed by the FDA to be sold on shelves. Second, it’s 800 degrees outside, has been since June, with the average daily humidity at 100000%, so again – cut me some slack. And not for nothing, but your roommate over there who has no idea what day it is or who she is thinks I look fantastic.

7. We've pretty much concluded that post pandemic the world has gone off the rails. People's social skills are coming up short or nonexistent - the behavior and lack of courtesy shown to others while in public is so much the norm, these behaviors no longer surprise us. It's not difficult to be kind, courteous to others space, and practice the basic manners all taught to us in kindergarten, that's how society is supposed to work. My approach continues- I'm killing with kindness - it's time to take that shock back and turn the tables kids, try it - it keeps people on their toes and they don't expect it - the reactions of shock and awe, coupled with a smile they didn't realize they were capable of will be all the entertainment you need to make this simple practice a part of your daily routine. Would we at The Antics ever steer you wrong? Of course not.

8. Took a ride off the beaten path last weekend and found myself in Princeton at a local coffee shop where we stopped to get some liquid sustenance. Middle kid ordered herself a lovely homemade refreshing iced tea while I ordered the darkest most caffeinated beverage I could get my hands on. Being served our drinks, we made our way to the outside seating area that was a serene setting overlooking the mountainside. About a quarter of the way through Reaghan’s frosty iced beverage, she discovered she had a free loading sugar loving ant enjoying himself floating atop the ice cubes in her drink. No harm no foul, I took the iced tea and went back inside to ask for another, informing them of the stowaway in her drink. These women were horrified and could not rectify the situation fast enough. I calmly told them no big deal…we’re from Worcester…there are far worse things we’ve probably had floating in our drinks from any local Dunkins in The Woo.

9. Did anyone see this? Exhibit 3, Pickle Ball at Fenway. Is baseball even played at Fenway anymore?

https://www.mlb.com/redsox/tickets/events/pickleball

10. Facebook – what is so important and going on with facebook that accounts get hacked all the time? I’m not that important, interesting or entertaining and I certainly don’t have enough money worth stealing. I get this message in facebook messenger last week from one of our newly retired ESW favorites, Linda Iacovone. I’d have to say the dead giveaway was, never in a million years would Linda ever say, “Ima add you up…” That's like a hacker sending me a message impersonating Parenteau with a phrase such as wassup dog...that would never happen in this lifetime or next. As hysterical as I think it would be to even think of Linda uttering such words, I have to say, nice try ass hat. This is most definitely not Linda. Exhibit 4 , try again…

And last but not least...big big news down here on our corner. Leaf Blowing, Snow Blowing, Lawn Mowing Joe has received an upgrade this week people and it's the most important and honored job of all. Joe's new and most important title of all titles he could receive...Grandpa Joe!

Have a great weekend!