Your Weekly Antics Leaf Wars & Christmas Lights Edition...11-3-2022

The battle continues friends – the battle of man vs. tree. Leaf blower Joe, now an internet phenomenon, continues to fight those nasty little ninja’s that litter the plush green lawns of the hood. In my opinion, his yard thus far has been hit the worst, but he perseveres. I don’t want to burst his bubble, but no one has fought Mother Nature and won - being the supportive friend and neighbor that I am, I’m going to let him have this one and let him believe he's making headway even if it is like spitting in to the wind. There’s a lot to be said for going off the grid and living in the woods. No one living in the woods cares if there are leaves...maybe that'll be my retirement plan. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Halloween is ovahhhh and with that, there are many who now believe that the Christmas season has begun. They plan to skip right over the Pilgrims and Thanksgiving, not giving you or your turkey a second look. They’ve marched right up to their attics, basements and garages, pulled out every possible Christmas light and lawn ornament they could get their hands on, and they’ve begun to assemble, reassemble and rig those lights up. Once their get up is complete, they don’t have it in them to sit back, relax and bask in the glow of all those thousands of LED lights. Instead, they hop back in their cars and hit yet another store that has had Christmas décor out and at the ready for purchase since the kids went back to school in September. As entertaining as it is to poke fun at these people, I’ve decided that instead we should perhaps embrace their Christmas spirit and let these poor bastards live. It makes them happy and dammit, we could all use a little more happy in our lives, so let John be.

2. Perhaps there are more people out there who skip right over Thanksgiving and hop in to Christmas than we originally suspected...this would explain the over population of the wild turkeys - and no, I'm not talking about the booze, but the wild turkeys with feathers that are taking over our streets. If people are concentrating on their lights and lawn decor and not taking a break to prepare America's most favorite meal of the year, then of course we will be over run with these brazen feathered beasts. The least the self proclaimed Elves who are out doing Santa's work can do, is pop a giant bird in to cook while they rig up the lights. Pay it forward and give back for crying out loud. You will be multi tasking on all levels. 1. your lights will be up, 2. you'll have a nice hot meal when you're done to enjoy when you flip that switch, and 3. you'll be keeping the streets of our fine communities safe from being over run by a flock of poultry. This really is a win, win. Consider it people...it won't be a waste of time and everybody gets to eat.

3. While some like Leaf Blower Joe are out and about on his days off fighting the good fight against all things foliage, this jackass sits in her window or on the front porch barking at the leaves falling from the trees as if her yard is under siege. She's easily confused - when she's not acting like the yard is under attack, she seems to think we're being robbed - of the leaves - by Leaf blower Joe. Like he doesn't have enough leaves in his own yard, he'd move on to ours. Poor Goose has no idea what's going on. Exhibit 1, Goose protecting all things foliage.

4. These over eager Christmas do - gooders, you all know one or two, are not prematurely putting up their lights for selfish purposes, they truly are doing the work of the people. Carefully and strategically placing each string of lights, ensuring each bulb is lit prior to gently placing said light on to that branch or outdoor apparatus that will be its temporary home, is not just done for the love of outdoor lighting or for the sake of the homeowner and homeowner alone. Each light is placed just so for the enjoyment of all - to instill Christmas cheer and joy for all to see, even us heathens who can't manage to turn on the porch light never mind hitting a switch to light up our yards. It’s okay to admit that we lack the skill and patience necessary to rig up a visually delightful Christmas light display. When ones Christmas season runs from November 1st until sometime around Easter - or as one loving supportive spouse indicated, until at least sometime in February - of course they're going to be lighting decor experts, so don't be so hard on yourselves. #wecantallbelikejohn

5. In years past I used to hang up our outside Christmas lights, and per usual I always pushed the limit. Never one to read or heed directions of any kind, why would I follow the notation written on the tag near the plugs of those lights that indicate how many strings should be strung together before having a problem? For those of you interested, it’s discouraged to attach 15 strings of 500 lights all together. When the tag says this will cause a fuse to blow somewhere at some time, the person in charge of making that determination knew what they were talking about. That saying, one goes out they all go out is also true. I hate to admit it, but more times than not I've found myself in complete darkness in the yard swearing at the lights, cursing General Electric and making a pledge to ban Christmas all together. Despite what I said last week, we can't all be like John...we aren't all blessed with the finer gifts of exterior decorating skills.

6. And for those of you who are asking yourselves, why are we talking about Christmas lights when Halloween has barely been put to sleep? When the temps are predicted to be in the 70's on Saturday and Sunday? We at The Antics would hope that after all of this talk about rushing through holidays, skipping Turkey Day and all this premature talk about Christmas that you would've had it on the brain and gotten yourselves together like the merry little Elves you all strive to be. That you've been outside, mapped out your yards and rooves and garages. That you've identified any and all standing fixtures that can be wrapped and re wrapped in the artificial glow of Christmas lights so you can accurately gauge your attack. We have given you all enough time and heads up people that we expect your yards to look like they've been taken over by drunken Elves who were caught by Santa throwing a rager during Christmas week - the very least you can all do is join the fun and give John Turner and his outdoor display a run for their money. Get it together. #belikejohn

7. Lemme tell ya this about that... this is a phrase that could go many ways when asking your favorite Grandmother how her Foxwoods trip went. I will assure you that she did not break the bank, as one would have to venture beyond the quarter slot machines for that - with that being said, did she hit a substantial jackpot? One that would allow her to gift her adoring and dedicated children her hard earned cash telling them to retire? Again, she'd have to venture beyond the quarter slot machines for that...so that's a hard no. Exhibit 2, Sue Miller and her partner in crime and knower of all things ceiling fan, Deb.

8. The work of the people has been a struggle these days kids on account of most people everywhere sucking. Here's a little tip - if you're going to call me or my hard working friends and co workers for help because you're either too lazy or too incompetent to do your job, remember that you are the one who made the referral to us before you decide to hide behind all the mundane confidentiality rules and regulations. If you don't keep this in mind, you will be left to flounder about like a fish out of water, I'll be holding the hose, and will refuse to turn it on. Don't be a jackass - help us, help you. Thanks for listening...I'll be here all week.

9. Last weekend I ventured out to Cambridge with Al and the youngest Kap kid on yet another quest to find some hidden music gems. Meri gets as bored with me following as I do lagging behind, so I eventually left the store and found myself a bench outside to sit and people watch. Lots of people mulling around enjoying the outdoor shopping stands and dining. Despite the crowds there were numerous empty benches scattered about for anyone to stop and sit and take in the scenery. Empty bench to my left. Empty bench to my right. Empty benches up the street, down the street, across the street - plenty of free places to sit. So naturally an elderly woman, who could not speak a word of English, decided to waddle up and sit next to me. She talked my ear off, which was perfectly fine except I had no idea what the hell she was saying to me. She smiled and she talked and she talked and she talked. She was very animated, waving her cane around, stamping it on the ground now and then to make sure I was listening and to get her point across, all while I smiled and shook my head in agreement. She eventually finished telling me whatever it was she was trying to tell me, said her goodbyes, or what I assumed was her goodbye, smiled and walked away. I may have agreed to take her in for Thanksgiving - I had no idea what the hell was happening.

10. You should all know that while this was all going down the youngest Kap kid hung back standing in the shadows watching this all unfold. This is nothing knew to her. She knows I pick up strays and unless they're strays with fur, she wants no part of it.

And last but not least...speaking of rushing the seasons, in our travels last week, my driver with his inner GPS fumbled upon the Dunkin Donuts on Rte 140 in Shrewsbury. I did not partake, as I am a loyal coffee drinker and would never stray from my favorite coffee spots, but my yellow bellied traveling companions are less loyal than I...Exhibit 2, the Christmas holiday flavors of Dunkin. It wasn't even Halloween yet and they had and were serving up the holiday coffee flavors. Maybe John works there? Peace out Pumpkin spice, your time is up.

Have a great weekend!