Your Weekly Antics, Leaf Blower Joe & Midnights Edition...10-27-2022

It’s that time of year again kids…all the neighborhood rug rats will be out and about wearing their costumes going house to house in the dark looking for free loot. Some will be little, some will be cute. Some you’ll wonder who their parents are and if they were home to view their offspring’s costume before they left the house, because you’re fairly certain they would not have approved. Some may be partaking in shenanigans such as toilet papering their neighbors yard. Then there will be those that barely have a paper bag over their head using their Gramma’s best pillow case as their treat bag – those are my people. Whatever your fancy is this Halloween, keep your heads out of your phones and watch where you’re walking, those curbs are strategically hidden beneath all the fallen leaves - I wouldn't want you to face plant, bust your phone and break your face. If that should happen, I only hope that one of your loved ones catches it on film and then forwards that video here to be shared near and far in next weeks Antics. That my friends is your public service announcement for this week, don’t say I didn’t warn you… here’s what I’ve got…

1. In addition to Halloween, we’ve got leaf season. This season not only brings us a variety of leaf peeping activities that New England has to offer, but bountiful fall foliage that litters our streets like the candy that falls from a stolen and torn pillowcase full of Halloween candy. These leaves, now the glorious colors of autumn, may be nice to look at, but their viewing period will be fleeting and short lived before they turn on us and make us suffer. It’s all fun and games when the trees are overflowing with those beautiful vibrant colors, but as we know, all good things must come to an end. Those trees not only betray us, but also betray the vegetation they once housed on their limbs. This time of year the trees have had enough; tired of the leaves freeloading and hanging around like that couch surfing friend you allow to stay for a weekend that quickly turns in to a long term tenant situation, they send them aflutter making them someone else's problem until next spring. The trees, needing a chance to rest and regroup to start this whole process again in 6 months, send those leaves packing, not caring that their discord with their fall foliage leaves us with a mess. Yards, lawns, sidewalks, driveways and streets alike are full of leaves that create a frenzy amongst homeowners scurrying about to rake, blow and remove all evidence that the leaf apocalypse ever happened. If you live in the city and have ever experienced a substantial snow fall before the annual leaf removal/street sweeping has occurred, you know that the plows do not differentiate between snow and leaves covered in snow. Curbs and ends of driveways full of leaf covered snow banks is no fun for anyone, not a friend of the snow blower and a bitch to shovel, so the race is on to beat Mother Nature at her own game. As a result, we spend the next several weekends raking to avoid such a conundrum.

2. You don’t have a leaf blower you say? You’d rather do the work of the earth and hand rake that yard of yours? Well there is no need to be a hero – all the old ladies on your street watching out their windows are not going to be extra impressed if you rake your yard by hand or contribute to the hoods noise pollution by firing up that leaf blower. They're leaves people - did you not read # 1? That brings me to my good buddy and other - side - of - the - driveway neighbor, Leaf Blowing Joe. He hasn’t been in The Antics recently, and that is certainly not due to a lack of material, I've just been cutting him some slack, he and Sue Miller alike need a break now and then. Leaf Blowing Joe doesn't mess around or waste time and is already at it, giving that Leaf blower a spin and making piles up and down and all around our street. He first uses the leaf blower to pile the leaves up neatly and then goes back to those piles with a snow shovel arranging them so not to restrict our street parking spots. Joe is a leaf blowing professional therefore takes in to consideration the needs of all of those parking in front of both of our homes. Now, like snow piles and snow banks, if he shovels the leaves out of a spot in front of his house and someone else parks in said spot, I will loyally look away and act as if I saw nothing when he kicks your ass. Respect the parking spot for crying out loud…the fall is only a dry run for the winter. Don't make me put a folding chair out there. Get it together.

3. If anyone felt a ripple in the force that is the 02 this past week, that may have been the youngest Kap kid and the oldest McCarthy kid losing their minds as a result of the release of the new Taylor Swift album. This one album has been released in not one, but in 5 different colors that all hard core Swifties must acquire. Why would one need to purchase 5 of the same exact album? Well duh - because they, the same exact album, was printed in 5 different colors and if you are a tried and true fan, of course you will splurge and buy all 5. You faithful readers read that last sentence correctly...the only factor differentiating these exact same albums from each other is the physical color of the vinyl record. I've resigned myself to the fact that Taylor Swift is a marketing genius and I have stopped asking the kid who takes up residence here at the Kap house any T-Swizzle related questions. Instead, I refer to Kate McCarthy, she's nicer and has more patience for me.

4. Let's talk about Find My iphone. What happens when you don't answer your cell phone for your Father? He may hit the find my iphone app which in turn sends a piercing alarm type sound in to the universe that scares the hell out of you and anyone standing within a 50 foot proximity to you. This will ensure that all of his future calls and texts made to you will not go unanswered ever again.

5. Another fun fact about the iphone and the Find My iphone app...when the same person misplaces their phone inside the comfort of their own home on a nightly basis - just as everyone is settling down to watch tv or worse, go to bed - and that person sets off that alert to locate their misplaced phone - you are guaranteed to aggravate and scare the hell out of everyone that lives with you. The reactions of those you take up space with does not change. They will continue to moan and groan. They will consistently yell throughout the house that your phone can be found in the exact same spot where you located it yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that... My question is this...is the phone really missing or has this become some kind of game and you're slowly trying to drive us all insane? Either way, knock it off.

6. GPS. Kids today are spoiled and have no idea how good they have it. Back in the day we had maps. Not mapquest, waze or google maps, but actual paper maps in all shapes and sizes. If you were going on a long road trip you may have gone down to the old Tatnuck Bookseller and splurged on a large laminated spiral bound book that held pages of maps one could follow should you decide to gas up, hit Park Ave and hit the open road. Way back in the old Elder Services office in Webster Square we had a huge wall sized map that we would use to find the locations of our visits by using the grid and number system. Now, all you have to do is punch in an address to whatever GPS app you have on your phone and bam - you can go anywhere. Well I'm here to report that despite all of the advances in todays technology there are still many out there who think that this technology is not needed and they can rely on their self proclaimed inner GPS. News flash, your inner GPS didn't work when we were using paper maps, and it sure as hell isn't working now. Punch in the address on your phone and drive. Enough with the foolishness.

7. What does one do when you find out through social media that your friend who your Mother claims to like more than you was in The Woo, didn't alert you of their presence or stop by to visit? Naturally, you hop in your car when he's out of town and show up at his house to mess with his stuff. Guess what Jake? Exhibit 1, your dogs like me better than you, Exhibit 2, so does Dolores. How do you like that?

8. Venturing up to Western Mass last weekend the driver of the family battle wagon was utilizing his inner GPS as I had googlemaps pulled up and at the ready in the event we became lost. We ventured through the back roads eventually landing in Amherst and then Northampton. This was a fun filled well served trip as we made several stops and hit all the stores and areas of interest of those trapped in the car for our day of forced family fun. One stop after my favorite stop as mentioned in #7, we came upon Newbury Comics in Northampton to - you guessed it - venture in to see if one of the new personally signed and autographed T Swizzle albums was available in a color the youngest Kap kid had yet to purchase. While the van barely came to a stop, she hopped out and took off at lightning speed crossing the road as if she were in a live version of Frogger. I stayed behind because I had my own problems to contend with being tasked with rectifying a wardrobe malfunction. So for those of you who may underestimate me, know this...I've still got it. Always flying under the radar and changing in locker rooms through my younger athletic years has equipped me with the skill set needed to change an entire outfit on the side of the road without being pinched for public indecency. Not only did I execute this wardrobe change without incident, I even paid the parking meter. What do you doubters think of that?

9. It has recently come to my attention that one of my childhood friends has an affinity for the Christmas decoration aisle at the local Home Depot. He can be found on any random day wandering through this aisle amidst the glow of those glorious LED lights as they light up the aisle simulating his strut down a runway. I like to imagine him walking down that aisle waving left, then right, tipping his hat while smiling as he goes, taking in this glorious scene as if he were greeting a crowd full of his adoring fans. Is it fun to make fun of him? Of course it is. Does he have it all figured out and is smarter than the rest of us? Absolutely.

10. While John is sitting in the comfort of his own home, there will be a neighbor kicking a plastic larger than life size baby Jesus clear across their front lawn. That neighbor will be taking the Lords name in vein while taking their hedge clippers to the lights he swore he tried out and worked, strung up, and then upon lighting he gets nothing. He may then turn his rage on to the poor plastic animal figures, or worse, one of the Wisemen, whose role was to keep baby Jesus company while he laid somewhat naked to suffer the elements of our harsh New England winter, all for the sake of getting our Christmas on. Incidents such as this can be avoided if you only read The Weekly Antics and heed the worldly advice of my good buddy John. While John is sitting comfortably contemplating all the goodness of life, his hands as soft and wrinkle free as those of the lady on the Palmolive Dish Soap commercials of our childhood, that poor bastard neighbor of yours will be attempting to rig up his lights while the temps hover at a balmy 20 degrees; his dried hands cracked, chapped and bleeding. Will John be sitting fireside enjoying a Hot Toddy while watching the neighbor implode? Perhaps, but generally not one to gloat, perhaps not. So let's learn from John and learn from his unfortunate neighbor. Get out there and get your lights strung up before the temps are in the 20's. If you're not going to do this for yourselves, do it for the sake of that plastic baby Jesus. #belikejohn

Exhibit 3, classic Hot Toddy recipe...https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/281956/traditional-hot-toddy/

And last but not least...may you all enjoy the latest Taylor Swift Midnights album while over indulging on the Halloween candy you purchased for the neighborhood kids and decided to keep for yourselves. Should you do so, make sure you remember to shut your front porch light off so you don't get egged.

Have a great weekend!