Your Weekly Antics Keep Your Clothes on Edition 7-28-22...

Well kids, I hope you all survived the heat last week – it was a scorchahhhh. I myself spent a glorious weekend at a blazing hot, humid and dusty softball field. It's temperatures like those we experienced that remind me why I try to be a decent human being - me, my fair complexion and distaste for such temperatures would never allow me to survive hell. Prior to last weekend however, I spent my week once again navigating the world of naked elders. No, I am not a physician. I am not an Xray tech. I am not a Nurse. There is no reason in the world why any Social Worker anywhere should be seeing so many naked people as I have this summer. What I will share with you is this…you know that saying, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all? That in fact is not true and I’m here to tell you that for the love of God and all that’s holy my elders need to keep their damn clothes on, I don’t care how hot it gets…Here’s what I’ve got...

1. How does one repay me for bringing them not one, but two fans donated by Elder Services to help alleviate ones discomfort from the sweltering heat? You keep your damn clothes on – all of them - that’s what you do. Please, I don't ask for much -

2. On the softball field this past weekend with the real feel being 102 degrees, not only did the U14 Worcester Rocket Girls win the Championship and the tournament, but they had the decency to remain fully clothed while doing so despite the dangerously hot conditions. They won the tournament in full uniform that consisted of long pants, long socks, heavy shirts, arm bands, face masks, and the catcher in all her gear. If they can pull that off, so can the rest of you. For the over 60 hooligan crowd who has made it their lifes mission to see if you could actually make me bleach my eyeballs one day after

work, I strongly suggest that you follow the Rockets teams fine example. You too can survive the heat and accomplish great things - for instance, remaining fully clothed when answering your door - this would prevent inflicting emotional scars on the individual on the other side of that door - this in turn would also benefit the HR department who would then not have to complete the paperwork needed to provide that individual with counseling through the Employee Assistance Program. If you're not gonna do it for me, do it for HR.

2a. Who wears the headband better? Exhibit 1, Coach Matt? Exhibit 2, Coach O'Leary?

3. In the event that Coach Matt starts his whining that I bully him and don’t mention when the team wins, please refer him back to #2. Then remind him he just spent an entire weekend in a sweltering dug out with a bunch of teenage girls who all hate everyone all the time, not just him, so he can't take it personal, he’s gotta be tougher than that. Don’t take his word for it if he starts acting like I've hurt his feelings or offended him in anyway - if anyone’s going to make him cry it’s going to be them, not me. Teenage girls are scary.

4. Exhibit 3 – this would be Matt’s top secret under cover sign for take a big lead…I’m pretty sure I’ve only seen him use this sign on the youngest Kap kid because he still hasn’t gotten over her being pitifully thrown out during the last tournament. Super tricky, like the other team had no idea that his wing span of 8 feet didn't scream take a huge lead....look at the 3rd baseman - poor kid didn't know what the hell he was doing...

5. Prior to the start of each game at these tournaments, it is protocol that the Umpires request to view the girls equipment. They’re told to line up their bats outside of the dug out for inspection. Many of the girls have more than one bat and those too are expected to be in the lineup. The youngest Kap kid has three bats in her bat bag at all times, but only uses one. Apparently throughout the season she has managed to skip this part and has only been putting out the one bat and had yet to be called out on it. This Ump wasn’t having it this time around and asked to see all three bats. Coach Matt instructs Meri to get it together and line up her bats. “Kapacziewski has 9,000 bats and can’t hit with any one of them… Line. Them. Up."

6. The middle Kap kid asks me if I’d like a cup of tea. Well sure I’d love a cup of tea, this aides in digestion after all, and in my head I think perhaps this will some how even out my caffeine intake for the day and erase the regret for the ice cream I had just eaten. She comes out with my tea, telling me the cup is only half full. I ask her why. She tells me she ran out of tea water. I ask her what do you mean you ran out of tea water? She tells me, she ran out of tea water. Again I ask how this is possible, as prior to being hot tea water, it was plain water from the sink – a sink we have readily available to us – in our kitchen – that provides us with fresh drinking water any time we want. It’s not like she has to hike through the woods to a fresh spring to gather drinking water. You turn on the tap and magic happens - semi fresh chlorinated Worcester drinking water. I suggest just filling the tea pot back up and setting it back on the stove to boil. She looked at me like I was nuts and said, I don’t have time for that… half a cup a tea it is then...

7. There was a team from Vermont playing in the tournament. “ Let’s hope they brought the cheddar…” Meg Puglisi, 7/23/22. I’m not even sure what to say about that except that she has just surpassed Al for best, or worse, Dad Joke of the year. All depends on how you look at it... Exhibit 4...this photo is proof that Meri has pretty much sealed her fate.

8. Exhibit 5, this is what happens when you bully someone long enough about their coffee order. You eventually wear a guy down until he succumbs to peer pressure and orders a somewhat reasonable coffee. This may not entirely be the fault of the Antics author, the subconscious and subliminal suggestions of Coach O’Leary may have also played a part in the switching up of said coffee order. They’re solving the worlds problems left and right in the dugout all while shaping the young minds of our children, and each other. It’s good to know that old dogs do in fact learn new tricks and that O’Leary has also had a positive impact on his fellow coaches. O’Leary orders his coffee regular like a normal New Englander. We don't know how Coach Scott takes his coffee because someone may or may not have forgotten to ask if he wanted a coffee to help take the edge off of dealing with all of our kids, ok so we suck. Anyway, get it together Lefebvre – this aint Starbucks country. Go Regulahhhhh or Go Home.

9. I woke up in a cold sweat one day this week having dreamt that I accidentally dropped my phone in an Elder Services toilet as it was being flushed, and gone it was in to the abyss that is our sewerage system. In my dream rather than being upset that I lost my phone, I was upset that I had yet to publish this weeks Antics prior to the flushing of said phone. Let’s evaluate this shall we? Does this mean that perhaps what we’re writing about in The Antics is such nonsense that it’s flushable? That it’s trash? That it’s total crap? Perhaps, but I don’t know what to tell you - you’re the fools still reading this every week.

10. Went with Sue Miller and Andrea out to Quinns Blue Plate on Wednesday night because the dream team that is Ronnie Miller and Kolby Miller were working. We sit. We get settled. Andrea is asked, what can I get you besides better company? We had a lovely meal, at the bar, while we kept ourselves entertained by mocking the bartender for such statements, while he worked. This would be one of the perks of eating your meal at the bar while your brother is working. We received a crash course in mixology as drinks were made correctly by Jackie and not so correctly by Ron, and watched Kolby hussle about quickly and efficiently delivering meals to their patrons…all while cheating at Trivia we didn't sign up to play. All in all, it was a good night. Exhibit 6, Sue Miller with her take home container - her full name written on it in the event she gets lost. You never know what can happen when you travel out of the 02.

And last but not least...despite the heat, we hope you're enjoying the summer. If you happen to run in to Jim Burns as he's enjoying his cinnamon buns surfside, tell him it would be in his best interest to stock up to store them in the freezer because he just hung himself out to dry - you did it now Burns.

Have a great weekend!