Your Weekly Antics, It's the Bee's or Me... 8-18-22 Edition
- lisaalkap
- Aug 18, 2022
- 5 min read
Happy Thursday kids, I hope you’ve been enjoying this glorious weather. If you haven’t, I highly suggest you follow the example of dogs everywhere and hang your head out your car window with abandon, breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the blue skies. Let’s bask in these few crisp cool days, enjoying a reprieve of the heat and humidity that has been our summer, who knows how long it’ll last before Mother Nature turns on us like the spiteful vixen that she is and starts pelting us with snow and freezing rain. Got that visual in your heads now? Good, you’re welcome. So quit sitting around and get your asses outside…
1. Bees – I’ve been watching these chunky little honeybees frolicking and buzzing around my Rose of Sharon Bush - their fuzzy plump bodies covered in pollen as they peruse the flowers in a pollinated drunken stupor out in front of my porch. They appear to be aimlessly bee bopping around collecting their nectar and covering their bodies with pollen living their best lives, but they’re actually hard at work. They’re zipping around pollinating and fertilizing our plants, ensuring that our flowers and food crops grow. So get out there and do your part this fall and plant some stuff. If we don’t have bees, we’ll be screwed, so start planting. Exhibit 1…read it here.
2. With that said, let me let you in on a little secret. I’m highly allergic to bees. One sting and I’m either fighting Colleen Mahoney for her bee needle or off to the ER I go. Despite this, we can still open up the yard and plant, providing plants and flowers that keep the bees happy and willing to stick around to do their job. I have managed without much trouble to co-exist with the bees, because most if not all plantings that attract the bees are far enough away from where I tend to be. What can I say, I’m respectful and like to give the bees their space. One would think that this courtesy would be reciprocated, but not always. On occasion some of my buzzing little buddies decide they’re going to push their luck and attempt to take up residence in the awning above my spot on the front porch where I like to hang out. Seeing as I pay the bills and they don’t, it’s me, or it’s them. Try to explain this to my husband. I’m pretty sure if it were between me and the bees, he’d help me pack my bags.
3. What do you do when you’re in your 50’s, bored, and hanging out on a Saturday night? You hang out at your cousins house watching him fight with Alexa. No, Alexa isn’t his kid or his wife or his dog. You know Alexa…Alexa, Alexa. “Alexa you suck.” Glenn Gray, 8-13-2022
4. What prompts a grown man to tell Alexa to piss off? When Alexa messes with his music selection. Next thing she’ll be messing with his whiskey. She better get herself together or she will be disconnected – especially when the payer of the mortgage didn’t want Alexa freeloading to begin with. We are products of the 80’s people, we’ve all seen Terminator…Alexa’s not fooling anyone. She starts with the music, next thing you know, she’s locking you out of your own house and downing all your booze.
5. Another fun fact that was presented after the throw down with Alexa…Tuna Casserole. No excuse for it. There is absolutely no reason, what-so-ever, that tuna belongs in a recipe that involves an oven. Ever. This has nothing to do with Alexa and her underhanded deceitful ways, I’m just putting it out there. These are the things that 50 somethings talk about when they’re up way past their bedtimes on a Saturday night.
6. Fantastic – now when Alexa does take over she’ll have this little tid bit of info in the vault. She may decide to torture all mankind with hot homemade tuna casserole. I’ll tell her whatever the hell she wants to know in 2 point 2 seconds if she threatens me with a hot steaming bowl of tuna casserole. Passwords, secrets, protected personal information, the vault will be cracked open without a second thought, sorry Amy Bullett, I speak the truth. I’m good until threatened with the casserole.
7. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed or cared, but the woodland creatures have been quiet this season. Harley would like to think this is due to her majestic presence in her yard, but I’m thinking either the hawks have been around scooping those critters up, or they’ve gotten bored tormenting her and have moved on to a larger greener yard. Now she too sits on the front porch watching the bees all day while watching the Amazon driver leave our packages at the wrong door. This lazy arrangement has worked for her due to the excessive heat we’ve experienced this summer and barely bats an eye. Unless there’s a big juicy steak involved, she’s not moving from her perch for anyone.
8. The woodland creatures decide to hit the bricks making other plans for themselves this summer, so that leaves us with birds. It’s like they sent out an all points bulletin alerting their brethren, the winged creatures of the sky, that they were leaving their territory for a while presenting the bird with endless opportunities to take a shot at me. Harley has been no help in this area as she has been spending her summer days lounging around on her chair on the porch, kibitzing with the bees, ignoring the threat that the neighborhood birds present giving a whole new meaning to the lazy dog days of summer. With that said, it should be no surprise to anyone that if Harley’s not worried about my well being at her own house, she certainly is not going to be on high alert when off the property.
9. This brings me to travel. Harley is no help in the jeep because she’s a big baby. She’s too busy whining and complaining, overwhelmed with all the sights and smells, she practically hyperventilates as her head threatens to spontaneously combust with glee. Her smelling and whining and attempts to flim flam me into hitting up every dunkins drive thru in our travels is too much of a distraction for her dog brain to handle, that she fails to alert me when my wellbeing is at stake. Some people can go their entire lives without having a bird fly in to their windshield, not me. I have been hit not once, not twice, but three times this summer, most recently while traveling down rt 128. Jury is still out as to which winged creature it was, but it was something with wings- a bird? a bat? Who knows, but it was big, it was loud, and it left a mark bending the antennae on the jeep just enough that I’ll be reminded of the little bastard every time I’m out and about. Again I will point out, they have wings. One would think that birds and bats and those gifted with wings would have an advantage over us, maybe not. Either way, when it happens my first thought is always, don’t be a dumbass, fly over not into. Or here’s a thought, stay the hell away from the road, that seems like a simple solution to me. More on birds and why they drive into windshields, Exhibit 2. This is interesting info, particularly the part about birds occasionally attacking cars that drive in to their territory…YA THINK?!?!?!
10. Perhaps these winged creatures should take the sound advice of the chicken and steer clear of the highway. After all, the chicken not only crossed the road to get to the other side but did so successfully. Who’s the dumb bird now?
11. And last but not least…get out there and enjoy the last days of summer! Have a great weekend!
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