Your Weekly Antics, I Cry Uncle Edition 5/23/25...

Well kids. when I was in my twenties and first started out working in Geriatrics at Elder Services there were conversations with my clients that included lists of complaints of all their aches and pains; lists of difficulties they had completing basic tasks and I can remember thinking to myself, seriously? You have trouble with that? And not quite believing the aches and pains were real and foolishly thought the potential of experiencing such inconveniences was so far off in the distance, I'd be older than dirt, and it would be another lifetime all together before they affected me at all. Well, I'm here to tell you I have a newfound respect for all the elderly folks I came in contact with way back when and am formally apologizing to them now. Even though they are long dead, I'm crying uncle and asking for forgiveness, because I am now, in fact where they once were and am here to say their complaints are for real… here’s what I’ve got…

1. When I sneeze, I pee a little. My younger self thought, well damn, if I start doing that, bring me out to pasture. Any woman over 50 can attest to the facts of this statement.

2. I threw my back out coughing. Seriously? Is that even possible?I am here to report that yes, yes it is. 

3. When getting out of the car, I pulled a muscle in my ass…well then, put some BenGay on it, call it a day, and quit your whining. I take that back. That shit happens, all the time and is no joke….

4. Sciatica? What the hell is THAT? Surely that is a made-up thing that requires voodoo or acupuncture or some nonsense to make you feel like your pretend ailment is being fixed. I am here to say that I would rather experience the pain of childbirth every single day for the rest of my life than have a sciatic flare up.

5. On a scale from 1-10, what is your pain level? One being lowest, ten being the highest. Well, that depends on the weather. When it's raining, my knees hurt, and I'd say the pain is at a 6. Between the end of April and early June it's allergy season and my migraines act up. The pain can get as high as an 11, depending on how windy it is...your scale only goes to ten? Oh, well, it's still an 11, sometimes a 12 or a 13...it goes down if I don't leave the house. Then there's my hip pain, back pain, and a tooth that acts up whenever the temps go below 40 degrees. All in all to be safe, I'd say my baseline pain is a 5...it could really go in either direction. Sadly, all of this nonsense speaks to me...I will single out one of my former clients, Mrs. F...I'm sorry for not believing you...it all makes so much sense now, please stop haunting me.

6. What? What did you say? Can you repeat that? For the love of God and all that’s holy, is this guy messing with me??? No, no he is not. I too can no longer hear a G-D thing and am sick of it.

7. I need someone to put my compression socks on. Seriously lady, aren’t they like nylons? Pantyhose? Pull them up and call it a day. I apologize 1,000 times over to every elder whom I thought this about. Compression wear sucks, and require skill, perseverance and muscles to get those sons of bitches on, up and to stay put.

8. I won’t be home for my homemaker, or my home delivered meal today. I have my third funeral of the week to go to. Hmmm, will there ever come a day in my life that attending funerals and wakes will be like an event, a social gathering, a reason to get dressed and go out? I’ve had a lot of these lately and they also suck. Let this be a lesson to us all to start making plans and keeping them with your besties so your next gathering isn’t in the parking lot of the local funeral home. No fun in that…

9. I had a client years ago who insisted she had bed bugs and had the bites on her arms to prove it. Way way way back in the early 90’s, I foolishly thought that bed bugs were an urban myth, made up, just the focus of the good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite song…but alas, they are for real, alive and well and are in every elder housing building all over the place. Don’t let your guard down kids…they are not the pesky critters you want to inadvertently bring home. They get into your house and never leave.  

10. When watching T.V. or your "programs" becomes a chore because there is the occasional subtitle, and you can't find your glasses to read it. I have now become even more of an annoyance when watching tv with my kids because in addition to the occasional subtitle to read, it seems that every show has a text in it you have to read in order to know what the hell is happening, and I haven't seen my glasses since Christmas. Al can't find his glasses either so without the Kap kids home, we're on our own.

And last but not least, may this week's Antics serve as homage paid to all former clients that my younger self did not fully understand or whose complaints I did not take seriously. Now I get it, I'm crying uncle, cut me some slack.

Have a great weekend!