Your Weekly Antics Keep On Swimming Edition...8-10-23

Well kids, I hope you’re not reading this from your flooded basements, floating about in your canoe, or while listening to the hums of a 100 running fans drying your place out. I am not poking fun or speaking lightly about the weather events that have plagued us this summer, instead I am here to tell you that I too, along with the members of the Kap pack, have fallen victim to Mother Nature’s wrath in past years - unwanted water in ones humble abode is no joke. Mother Nature that vixen, has teamed up with the full moons of August and are doing their best to break us – don’t let them. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. It’s no mistake that people suck. People of all shapes, sizes, ages, colors, nationalities, religions, gender, everyone. Guy on the corner yelling at his dog? Jerk. The guy who calls nuisance patrol because the elderly neighbor likes to dig holes in her yard – loser. The lady belittling the 17 year old at the ice cream window because every surface of that scoop of ice cream isn’t meticulously covered in jimmies and she wants her to do it again…wicked looosahhhh. I hope the ice cream Gods messed with that woman...and once it was covered in so many jimmies that it no longer resembled ice cream, that it fell unceremoniously on the lap of her linen pants as soon as she tried to eat it. Takes too much time to be an ass people, especially to people who don’t deserve it, so for crying out loud, be nice. If you can’t be nice, stay the hell home.

2. So we’ve established and reminded ourselves in #1 that people suck. What are we going to do about it? Let's do our best to suck less and be decent human beings, that's what. We can't control everyone and everything around us, but we can control ourselves. Just because someone else sucks doesn’t mean you have to suck too. Let’s make it our goal this week to be better people - one less sucky person a day can make the world a better place.

3. Someone has wronged you? Walk away. I’m not saying forget about it, what’s that saying, forgive and forget? Sure, forgive, but put that event in the vault that you hold way in the recesses of your mind, to be used as a reminder of how you felt, to help you avoid such wrong doings in the future. Help yourself out for crying out loud – don’t be a doormat. This is called live and learn and self preservation - practice it - you'll be happier for it.

4. Get a puppy. Who doesn’t love a little chaos, chewed chairs and unstuffed couch cushions to add anarchy to any home? Probably none of you, but should this description fit the bill, you'll find that the work you put in to helping that pooch become a decent, well adjusted and well behaved member of society will be reward enough. Trust me on this – dogs are way better than people and no matter how bad your day is, a little drool and a tail wag can turn any rotten day right around.

5. Anyone who's ever had a dog knows they aren't always fun and games...that there is work involved, so you better be prepared. Should you think you and your lifestyle can handle it and you decide to get that puppy, remember it doesn't matter how much money you spend on toys, he will chew everything but the toys you bought him. This will include couch cushions, chairs, shoes, mail and anything else he can get his paws and teeth on. You'll have to put cleaning products away in a secure location. Plants? Forget it. He'll take your very last roll of toilet paper from the toilet paper holder at 10pm on a Sunday night just because he can - he doesn't need TP, why would he think you do? Big plans for that perfectly landscaped and manicured lawn? You may want to put that off a year or two unless you consider holes dug in your yard landscaping. If he's a big and tall dog, you're in for an extra treat, you may not be able to leave any food related items or anything for that matter, on a counter or surface within his reach for quite some time or ever again. There may be a lot of unintended shared meals, redecorating, replacing and rearranging of some of your most cherished items in your foreseeable future. Were you gifted some horrific throw pillows from your Mother in law that you firmly believe were sent your way because she actually hates you? Now's the time to take those out of the closet and put them on display. They'll be destroyed within the hour, problem solved.

6. Before you get that puppy, think long and hard about it. He’s not going to have thumbs that allow him to open your back door letting himself in and out. He’s going to need you to feed him, play with him and give him some exercise. He’s going to need training and attention and love. If you’re not going to do that, skip #5 and get yourself a fish instead. Hank the Mantle Fish although one of a kind, has relatives who would make a lovely edition to any home. Despite being a bit self absorbed staring at himself all day in the mirror, he's a good listener, is low maintenance, and is always happy to see you. Exhibit 1, Hanks cousin Charlie the TV watching fish living his best life at Casey's house in Boston.

7. That brings us to cleaning out and decluttering…Nothing makes you feel better than unloading unwanted items and baggage that's taking up space. All those items that have been banging around that you know, and I know, you’ll never use. Be like Sue Miller…if you haven’t used it in a year, you don’t need it - donate it or throw it away...that is, after you've completely submerged whatever the item is in water to ensure that it is completely clean and sanitized whether it's water submersible safe or not...then you part with it, and don't look back.

8. Donating is great, but don't just pass the buck...don't donate an item when it really should be thrown away because you can't bring yourself to toss it. Some things do come to an end and have exceeded their time of productivity and usefulness. That not so gently used thread bare Def Leppard t shirt from 1983 for instance...is it really gently used? No one else but you is going to see past the holes in the collar and the grease stain on the front from Aunt Barb's cook out you attended in 1991...perhaps you can bring yourself to tossing that one in the trash pile. When having difficulty differentiating between the piles, ask yourself...would you buy this off a rack at the Good Will? Why has it been hiding on the floor of my closet for 30 years? Are you really going to sew up those holes? Will there ever be any kind of detergent made that can remove a 30 year old grease stain? It's time to let it go kids...that t shirt has run its course. Throw it in the trash or at minimum, keep it hidden from your wife - she will help it make its way over the rainbow bridge of long gone t shirts of your youth.

9. Get some sleep. We all have to refill the tank and recharge. A little rest will keep you healthy, focused and you’ll be less apt to do or say something you'll regret that will land you in the clink. When you feel good you generally don’t suck. Or at minimum, you have control over your suck-iness and can keep it to yourself until you get home to tell your your new fish or dog all about it.

10. Find your people...sometimes you find them in the unlikeliest of all places. You don't have to have a lot of them, all it takes is one - one good friend you can rely on to sit down, listen, cheer you on, steer you in the right direction, and also love you enough to know when to tell you to get over yourself and get it together. When you don't get enough sleep and you've had it with everyone and everything, this person or people is all you'll need to straighten you out and get you back on track.

And last but not least...someone once told me...quit being so hard on yourself. There are millions and billions of people in the world who will tell you that you are a shmuck and aren't good enough, stop telling yourself that...it's not true. Just ask Gibson or Hank the Mantle Fish - they'll remind you that you don't suck and will tell you when it's time to get it together.

Have a great weekend!