Your Weekly Antics, House Cows and Coffee Pot Problems...11-30-23

Well kids, I’m decaffeinated and behind schedule, bear with me…this week we have lots to talk about including house cows, missing coffee pots, and how to break and lose things so you get new stuff for for Christmas. Here's what I've got…

1. Get a dog. In fact, get a puppy. A big burly puppy that will triple in size by Christmas with the curiosity of a 66 lb toddler on a sugar high. Get a puppy whose head easily rests on every surface of your house and makes counter surfing his sport. Anything is fair game kids, so if you want something to mysteriously go missing or you’d like a replacement, don’t put it back where it belongs, and leave it out. Doesn’t even have to be within reach, just leave it out and about and not in its place and it’s gone. Missing. Most likely ingested working its way through the innards of said dog to meet its final resting place in the yard. Adios. Good riddance. Never to be seen again.

2. Sometimes this works in your favor, sometimes not. Today for instance, I turn on my already prepared coffee pot as I get this all prepped and ready to go the night before so that with a flip of a switch, the nectar of the caffeine Gods will be quickly flowing right out of the gate. Like myself, I bet many of you didn’t realize until it was needed, that to brew coffee one must have the top to the coffee pot. That plastic thing-ie that sits ever so delicately on top of the actual pot. Without it, you will not get a fully brewed pot of coffee. Instead, the water sits and collects above, in the coffee filter, causing the coffee grounds to float about and eventually land in your pot of what you assumed is freshly brewed groundless coffee. I was reminded the hard way this morning at o-dark-hundred, of the importance of this small piece of plastic that is required to get me to my final am destination of caffeinated. We will only assume that Gibson got a hold of it, and it has met its final resting place out in the yard where everything else that goes missing is eventually found.

3. If you live in the city, I’m sure you’ve heard all the rumblings and complaints about the newly designed lines of Mill Street. Apparently, we have an abundance of bikers, no not Harley bikers, but you know, bikers, as in bicyclists, like those that pedal their legs on bikes for exercise and the glory of it all, right here in the Woo. So much so, that someone far more important than I felt it necessary to make accommodations requiring all sorts of lines and a ridiculously large bike lane, that runs up and down Mill Street. Someone somewhere must’ve complained that there was injustice, and the city was keeping those who want to travel to and from Tatnuck Square to Park Ave by bike, are unable to safely do so and that the already existing bike lane that’s been there for a million years was no longer good enough. In addition to this lovely bike lane are designated street parking spots – parking spots big and wide enough to park the tractor trailers someone in the city must think all residents of Mill Street own, all up and down Mill Street. Now Mill Street has become one lane – one lane up, and one lane back. If you’re not familiar with the area or are accustomed to whipping up and down Mill Street taking your chances with the law, and are not alert, you will end up right behind a parked car assuming you’re in traffic. Ridiculous. All of it. Mill Street is now on my list of places I will not frequent. I realize no one cares about my list or where I go or don’t go, but I care, and I’m not going. See ya later Mill Street…wait until Mill Street makes Jim Burns list of places not to frequent. We'll find other ways to get to Park Ave from Tatnuck Square - were resourceful people here in The Woo.

4. Cows. A few weeks ago we talked about cows and the inside scoop that there may or may not be a cow, as in a singular cow, living within the walls of a house nestled in the city. This subject was raised again this week, only this time, I was informed that not one cow, but three cows were living inside the house of an elder, and the elder in question was one of my clients. This particular client has already had her fair share of trouble with the city that caused me nothing but a headache, so off I went. Off I went in pursuit of this tall cow tale to see for myself. What do you do when you’re alerted to one of your clients who lives in the Woo who has a cow living with them inside the house? You go to the office and get the new guy, because you anticipate this being your best visit ever of all time, so much fun that it would be a disservice to keep it all to myself, and decide as the good and seasoned worker that I am, to share the wealth with one of the newest members of the Protective Services Unit…what can I say, I’m a giver.

5. We get to the house of my former client who I’ll report is doing extremely well and was nice to see. After a little chit chat I finally break it to her and let her know that it was reported that she had a cow, or cows, living in her house somewhere. Looking at me like I needed an immediate in patient psych stay and asks me several times if I’m actually asking her if she’s aiding and abetting a cow within her home, says Lisa, where would I keep a cow? A goat I’d like, but a cow, no. I ask for clarification. Is she sure her tenants don’t have a cow in the house or the basement or in their upstairs apartment? No, no and no. She says, and understandably so, Lisa, where in this apartment would I hide a cow? She has me there…we say our goodbyes and off to the 2nd floor I go, just to make sure no one is hiding a cow in a two bedroom apartment here in our fine city.

6. To the second floor I climb and am met by who I will assume to be a high schooler faking sick and home from school. This poor kid looks like it has run across his mind that he should’ve listened to his parents, kept stranger danger in mind, and not answered the door in the first place, or that he’s been caught and I’m someone of importance there to drag him back to school. I introduce myself, tell him I work with the lady downstairs, and am there to clarify, as crazy as it sounds, that he does not have a cow on the premises. The kid was like a deer in headlights, I assured him that I was not pranking him or on drugs or there just to mess with him, that this was a legitimate question. The kid responds no, no cows here, and all they have is a dog. Said dog walks by and is all of 10 lbs, surely he was not mistaken for a cow. This kid, clearly concerned that he’s being pranked or about to be abducted and rethinking his choices to skip school, tells me their apartment is too small to keep a cow, where would he put it? I agree, state this is a 100% legitimate question, but I’ve heard and seen stranger things and had to follow up. I give the kid my card and tell him if he needs to clarify with his parents he wasn’t suffering from a fever induced hallucination, to call the crazy lady from Elder Services who can confirm I was there and did question him about a cow living with them. No cow found. Everything happens for a reason right? Maybe this line of questioning will cause this kid to rethink his life choices and stay in school – who knows.

7. We return to the office, report our findings and later find out we were given the wrong address. Calls were made, cow tales denied. According to the reporter source, he/she has photo evidence of three window licking cows living happily within the confines of a home in the city. I say, good for them. Good for the cows and good for the homeowner. If you can pull off having cows living within the confines of your home here in Worcester, I think you deserve the key to the city. Can’t be any worse than having Gibson living here eating everything he can reach.

8. To keep a houseful of kids entertained when they’re stuck in the house with a bunch of adults the day after Thanksgiving can be challenging. They don’t want to hang out with the likes of the adults, only so much tv they can watch, and it’s hard to stay out of trouble. Case in point the day after Turkey day open house at Sue Miller’s house last week. The older kids took the younger ones outside to burn off some steam and rid them of pent up energy. They decide to have these kids race each other and run around the yard. This plan or trickery worked for some, but not for 4 year old Lena, my cousins Granddaughter. This wasn’t her first rodeo being one of the youngest of the crew and decided she wasn’t running anywhere. Didn’t matter what kind of proverbial carrot hung in front of her, she wanted no part of the shenanigans and informed the youngest Kap kid of her stand against exercise. She simply stated, “ I don’t run, I have eczema…” She has asthma people, asthma – doesn’t really matter to Lena what ailment she may or may not have, all she knows is she has something and because of that, she’s not running anywhere.

9. Another fun statement of the week….I dont' make mistakes...the only mistake I make is being mistaken that I made a mistake... Deb Page 11/25/33

10. I tell Sue Miller these tall tales of house cows and missing coffee lid thing-ies and then readdress her statement that she doesn’t find me that funny. She clarifies by stating that some weeks The Antics just don’t hold her interest. They don’t apply to her and sometimes just aren’t that funny. Again, Deb, who found this statement hysterical, was my witness. Sue Miller goes on to clarify that it wouldn’t be doing me a damn bit of good if she lied to me, telling me that every weeks edition is funny, or interesting, or profound. I’m not gonna lie to you Lisa, that wouldn’t do you a damn bit of good. She speaks the truth people, she's not sugar coating anything...

And last but not least...to the West Boylston Lions Football team who won the MIAA State Championship for the 2nd year in a row, and to Luke Foley who probably has no idea The Antics exist, but that's okay we love him anyway...CONGRATULATIONS for a job well done, you've had quite a ride!

*** If you see Sue Miller today, wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Have a great weekend!