Your Weekly Antics, Global Warming or Hell? You Decide... 8-4-2022 Edition...

Well kids, you don’t need me to tell you that it is hot. Friggin hot. Hotter than hell. Hot enough to fry an egg on your sidewalk. Hot enough to spontaneously combust, you’ve got the picture. I hope that you’ve been finding some relief, whether it be seaside, poolside, running through your neighbors sprinkler or camping out in front of your AC, I hope you’re hanging in there. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. If I've said it once, I'll say it over and over again...this heat serves as my inspiration to strive to be a better person. I would not fair well in the heat of hell and neither would my hair. I have been one frizzy hot mess since the end of June, there aren't enough hair products in the world to tame this mane. That and Angel buys out all the defrizzing hair products that are sold throughout Worcester county. So I'm basically screwed until at least September.

2. Guess what National Grid…I don’t give a rats ass about your stupid efficiency reports – I know I use a lot of electricity, but, I don’t believe you when you try to tell me that Lawn Mowing Joe uses less than me – you are full of it. We’ve been in a heat wave all friggin summer therefore my AC has been cranked whenever Al’s not home. I have that frosty tin of cool air on its highest setting every day because me and my dogs need to be comfortable. When I’m hot, I’m cranky – so get off my back. Telling me I am not as energy efficient as the neighbors only makes me jack the AC up even higher… so bring it National Grid, I’m not afraid of you.

3. If you have a hole in your roof, perhaps a heat wave is finally time to decide to tell someone about it. Yes, I agree that you’ve been resourceful by positioning your fans a top of your piles of irreplaceable items to blow that musty air out in to the night sky amongst the mosquito’s, bats, and perhaps sasquatch’s. I agree It’s wise to keep the air and ventilation moving throughout your house, especially in a heat wave, in hopes to keep that air and moisture moving to lessen the probability of the growth of mold. However, once the seasons change, and our frosty New England weather returns, you will, in fact, be screwed. Help me help you ma’am. I’d love to help you get that situation straightened out before the snow starts flying. Not to be a wet blanket like the one you will be covering yourself with when and if it ever rains, but the possibility of freezing temps and snow flurries happening in about 3 months or God forbid less, is high – it’s all fun and games now, but when you’re shoveling your way to your toaster, you’re gonna wish you listened to me.

4. I’ve been around awhile and did not just fall off the turnip truck. Therefore, it would be advisable to heed my educated advice now and then. I don’t always talk just to hear myself speak, on many occasion the words that are leaving my mouth may hold some significance. When I tell you to quit screwing around and pay your rent because that’s what you signed on to do, do it. Follow the rules you agreed to when signing your lease. The signature you placed on that lease is what’s keeping you from inhabiting a cardboard box. You’re told you can have a cat, as in one singular cat, that means one. That does not mean one cat plus 55 of it’s closest relatives and offspring. And guess what, no one’s believing you when you try to tell us that all those 55 cats are just the one cat – we’re not complete morons.

5. If you’re told there’s no smoking, then that means do not smoke on the premises. Hanging out your 6th floor window with a butt hanging out of your mouth is still considered smoking on the property. And for the love of God and all that’s holy, I am aware that Pot is now legal, I don’t live under a rock. Again, that’s all well and good but that doesn’t mean that you can start your own pot growing type situation in elder housing. I don’t know much, but I’m pretty sure that no one’s believing you when you say that technically all of those plants should be considered one plant because they’re all offspring of the original plant. I don’t even understand all that, I’m not a botanist, but I’m also not an idiot, so no sir, I’m not going to help you convince anyone of any of that. That is complete and utter nonsense and all that you’ve accomplished by trying to sell me this story is to piss me off. Lose my number.

6. I don’t know why everyone in elder housing buildings can’t just get along. I look at it like this. Elder housing can be like dorm living if you had the right people living on the same floor. I myself had a blast living in the dorm – going from room to room – watching our favorite shows, eating way too much pizza, talking across the hallway to your neighbors, drinking beer, occasionally throwing things out the window when Amy Bullett wasn’t looking, and treating every day like it was Thursday night starting off our weekends. I think the elderly are looking at things all wrong. I think our next generation of elders should rethink elder housing and retirement living, because no one can afford Assisted living, and embrace living in a building and treat their living situations like dorm living. Elders are retired, therefore they don’t have bedtimes and don’t have to worry about getting up in time for work the next day or being hung over for classes in the morning. They can stay up late having a few cocktails watching Jeopardy and The Wheel of Fortune and still get to bed at a decent hour if that’s their thing. Some elder housing buildings have meal sites on the property, this too is like the dining commons in college, you get all your meals prepared for you, and you get to eat with your friends every day, gossip and contemplate your life choices. And because they are well over the drinking age, they don’t have to schmooze someone of legal age to do a packy run, in fact, they can now order their booze on line and have it delivered right along with their groceries. Should their lifestyle dictate, they can make the guy at the end of the hall with the 5,000 pot plants part of their inner circle as well, covering that area of recreation. So plan ahead and start making your list of all your closest friends people, determine what their special skill set may be and what they can bring to the table. Who needs assisted living if you manage to get all of your friends to live on the same floor of your elder housing building?

7. Fun fact – went to CVS last week- you’re all familiar with the store known for having the longest receipts of all time - receipts full of coupons for items I’ll never use or have ever heard of. I go up to the counter to cash out because I’ve given up on trying to use their self checkout. To be quite honest with everyone, I generally manage to screw it up. I don’t put my items down in the bagging area quick enough, I end up trying to use the cash only checkout when all I have is my debit card, I scan items too quickly or not at all, I push the wrong buttons, overcharge myself, whatever…even I can make what one would assume is a simple task, difficult. The machine starts yelling at me, lights go off, the whole store now knows I’m a moron and I end up having to wait for a CVS employee to assist me. I’m here to tell you friends, no more. I’m supporting the sales associates and going directly to the counter from now on. This trip to CVS, I met this particularly nice sales associate who was pleasant and welcoming, and I soon found out, he too has had it with self checkout. As he was running between me and the customer he was trying to help at self checkout, he was doing so while holding his pants up. He explained that he's lost at least 15 lbs from running back and forth between the cash register and the self serve check out all day long. He asks me if I shop at Big Y, I tell him yes. He asks if I use the self checkout. Yes again. He asks if I ever have a problem with the self checkout at Big Y and I tell him no. He tells me that's because CVS has invested in the bottom of the barrel self checkout machines and Big Y has splurged for the top of the line self checkouts. His next plan of action he shares with me...he's getting ready to apply for a job at Big Y where he can stand still for a change and won't have to buy new belts and pants. Sounds like a solid plan to me.

8. What is it with men who think that they can fix and re fix and fix again any and all appliances known to man? According to google there are kitchen appliances, motor appliances, small appliances, to name a few. Sometimes, despite all of your efforts and attempts at resuscitating life back in to some of the household appliances, you're going to have to let it go. The family vacuum for instance... how many times exactly can it be fixed and brought back to life? Sometimes, despite all your efforts to breathe life back in to that non sucking thing, your efforts will be fruitless and will fail. It's okay to let it go and say good bye, you will not be judged. You continue to try to suck up all the dog hair around here with the broken Dyson and your wife will eventually hit a wall of frustration and with one click purchase a new vacuum to be delivered to your door - with your name on it - addressed to you - for all the world to see. And no, the neighbors seeing a new vacuum being dropped off at the Kap house does not mean that they will think that you've admitted defeat - it means that you were one step from being murdered in your sleep before your wife came to her senses, realizing that the orange of the label of a Home Depot box looks far better on your door step than prison orange looks on her. One click and one day later, without tying up the court system and Mike Erlich's time for an unnecessary and preventable crime, she determined it would be a far better use of everyone's time to use her trigger finger to click that key on her lap top confirming the purchase of one new and improved vacuum equipped with all of its pieces and working parts. We're improving lives here at The Antics, one click at a time. You're welcome.

9. Here's a tid bit of information provided to us by one of our fearless leaders, Taryn Turgeon. Not only is she an active participant in keeping me gainfully employed but she is the discoverer of this weeks unknown facts and unusual finds. This past week in her travels she stumbled upon the little town of Whitehall New York. What's so special about this tiny town in upstate New York? Not only is it the birthplace of the United States Navy, but it is also the Sasquatch capital of the Northeast. To celebrate that status, this tiny town holds its own Sasquatch Festival every September. We may or may not have already booked ourselves a trip to check it out. Exhibit 1, Sasquatch siting at Quinns Blue Plate in Holden? photo creds Andrea Allen.

10. Long before shelf check outs and considering what and with whom you'd be spending your retirement years, we all attended elementary school. Last weekend I was fortunate enough to spend some time with a small group of those I did some of those years with. Exhibit 1, May Street School 1983. Exhibit 2, some of us 40 years later.

And last but not least, Stay cool this weekend - check on your elderly neighbors and for crying out loud don't leave your dogs outside. Don't be a dope.

Have a great weekend!