Your Weekly Antics Don't Mess with Your Mother Edition 5-11-23

It’s Mother’s Day people – like always, we at The Antics are here to support you and this week is no different. This week’s attention will be focused on Mother’s Day and how not to screw it up. If you’re lucky enough to still have your Mom, have someone in your life who’s like a Mom, a Grandmother, or anyone who meets the description of what a Mom should be, this is your weekend to celebrate them and get it right. It’s not that hard kids, so get it together, here’s what I’ve got…

1. Clean up. This isn’t just for the teenagers out there; you know who you are. Just because she loves you doesn’t mean that the mother in your life is particularly fond of picking up your dirty underwear off the floor, or your socks, or wet dirty towels from the shower. Speaking of towels...we won't name names, but, if the kid, who happens to be a twin, with the initials KM, would please return all the bath towels she's been hoarding in her room to the basement to be washed I bet your Mother would greatly appreciate that. Thank you.

2. I’m sure she’s thrilled you showered today, but not super happy that the bathroom now looks like it provided a bath to a water buffalo. Clean up the mess. This includes sopping up the bathroom floor and not with her good towels. Better yet, how about you make sure you keep the shower curtain liner inside the tub as its intended, to assist you uncoordinated shower takers in keeping the water inside the tub, not on the floor. Or, at minimum, shake off a bit before you decide to vault yourself out of the shower bringing so much water with you it's as if you kept the shower on, with the shower head pointed outward for no other reason than your lack of common sense. Once you've wrapped up, assess the damage that is now 2 inches of water on the bathroom floor, are you going to towel off and leave all that water behind? If you've read and learned anything from this weeks Antics, you now know that you are not doing your mother any favors by leaving it all behind for her to clean up. Now, turn around - go back and look in the bottom of the tub. Yes teenager, you shed worse than the dog. I hate to break it to you kid, but there is no drain fairy that flies on by once you've finished messing up the bathroom to clean out the drain. Clean it out. You know better than that, don’t be a scrub. (Meredith!!!)

3. Just because you get your dirty laundry in to those baskets, down the stairs and in/out of the washer and dryer, does not technically mean your laundry is done. Laundry is not done until it’s folded and put away. This does not mean you hoard every empty laundry basket in the house to hide your clean unfolded clothes like your Mom's not going to notice. I wouldn’t call the full baskets of your clean clothes located in the center of the living room well hidden. This will most definitely come to her attention after she trips up the cellar stairs trying to carry a load of towels, basket free, from the dryer where you left them. Should you come home and find everything you own ablaze on the front lawn, don’t say we didn’t warn you. (the other KM...I don't have actual confirmation on this other than she's a kid, and that's what kids do...)

4. Let's continue to talk more about towels. Who knew that towels could be such a hot commodity when you have a houseful of kids. We with knees over the age of 50 fully appreciate the plight that is the struggle of the cellar stairs. With that said, unless you plan on drying off with a roll of paper towels after your next shower, you best not make that trip down the cellar stairs to retrieve one towel to dry yourself off with, leaving all other towel type gear in the basement for the next guy showering to figure out. This is not considered self-reliance and being self-sufficient. This is just dumb. Ask your Dad – he may or may not be able to recount what happened the last time he tried that. Leave your Mother towel - less and to drip dry even once and next thing you know it'll be like living with a Mob Boss. (BRM...again, no actual confirmation but he's a boy, and this is what teenage boys do...)

5. Should the Mother in your life ask you to fold and put away the laundry, don’t tell her the reason you don’t normally do it is because she folds better than you do. (Jeff B circa 1999 ish...) There is no preferred folder of laundry in any house - that is not the correct answer. Should those words leave your mouth and later you go missing, Mother’s everywhere will band together and act like they’ve never laid eyes on you a day in their lives. Be smarter than that friend.

6. Vacuum. For you Husbands and significant others out there...for the love of God and all that’s holy…if you know what’s good for you do not buy your wife a vacuum for Mother’s Day, this is just asking for problems. Should you choose not to heed this advice and do your own thing, I hope you’re smart enough not to buy one of the super fancy extra suction ones that costs as much as a car. She won't care that you bought her the Cadillac of vacuums, she will perceive this as a., this is you finally admitting that she is the only one who cleans, b., the cleaning that she has been doing because no one else does is not adequate enough, or c, this is an invitation to smother you in your sleep after she's used said vacuum to dismember your body. No matter how you slice it, you're playing with fire. Don't do it.

7. If you’re the kid, ignore #6. Unlike your Mother's partner, you can get away with buying your Mom a vacuum. Your Mother will see this as yes, someone in this house finally understands and appreciates all I do around here... why the double standard you ask? Because we're the Mom's and what the Mom says goes. Quit asking questions. (SRK)

8. That brings us to trash, particularly recyclables. There is a good-sized green city issued recycling bin located right outside the back door. That same door you use to enter and exit your home a billion times a day. This bin has been strategically left outside the back door in such a way that should you have a fear of the outdoors, don't like sunlight, or are attempting to avoid the public, you don’t actually have to step outside, but instead can reach your arm outside the door barely exposing it to the elements, letting whatever recyclable you have in hand fall perfectly in to that bucket. Stop leaving recyclables on the kitchen counter near the back door like you have a long way to travel to dispose of them. Should that continue, those items may be upcycled and placed in your bedroom, in the drawers that are now vacant of your clean laundry that was burnt on the lawn. You know who you are RG - hit the recycling bin.

9. Do yourself a favor…if you are a husband or partner of this wonderful woman who has gifted you with your child or children, do not let this phrase leave your lips…I don’t have to do anything for her on Mother's Day, she’s not my Mother… unless of course you’d like a swift kick to the head and instead of all of us reading The Antics next week we'll be sipping coffee while reading your obituary. Smarten up. (husbands everywhere...)

10. Do not bring home any kind of gift that your Mother will be required to keep alive. This goes for puppies, kittens, fish, chinchilla’s, the squirrel you rescued, geckos, lizards, snakes, turtles, you get the picture. You’re lucky she’s kept you alive – it’s time to give her a break. ( this actually doesn't apply to any of the Kap-Miller kids, but instead to Ronnie and I...sorry Mom...)

11. And last but not least…if you’re lucky enough to still have your Mom, hug her tight – not everyone is so lucky. If you’re a parent, enjoy your kids, even the ones who make you crazy. If you’re the honorary extra non - blood related kid that someone chose to love like their own, know that makes you extra special. And if you’re that Mom or Grandmother like Sue Miller is, who’s always been the neighborhood Mom, who’s door is always open, know those kids are now grown ups and thanks to you, didn’t turn out half bad. They all still think you're pretty awesome...that’s why we still come around!

Have a great weekend and Happy Mother’s Day!!!