Your Weekly Antics, Don't Get Yourself Eaten Edition...3-16-2023

Well, I hope you’re proud of yourselves – we don’t need to single you out, you all know who you are...the fools who prematurely put away your shovels and rock salt for winter. Another weekly Antics published full of fascinating under reported facts, first-rate knowledge and intel shared with you gone to waste. We told you last week not to get all worked up at the first sight of crocus’s and daffodil greens, that this was Mother Natures way of tricking us all, but you fell for it...you just couldn't help yourself and had to put all that stuff away. I'm talking about you Al...here’s what I’ve got...

1. If you can’t beat them, join them. I did not partake in St. Patrick’s Day festivities this year and was quickly reminded why it is that sometimes it’s just easier to join the crowd than go off the beaten path and do your own thing. That, and we all need to listen to my Mother. Who knew that I had inherited the gene that has made me so geographically challenged, that I can't find my way out of the city without crossing over Park Ave. Never in my life has it taken me an hour to get from Tatnuck Square to Rte 146. Moral of the story…either join in the shenanigans and go to the parade, leave for wherever it is you’re going before Park Ave is shut down at 9am for the parade, start using other roads and streets of our fine city on a regular basis so that other roadway options will be second nature to you, and lastly…Sue Miller is always right. You can’t go anywhere without starting and ending up on Park Ave, so if it’s blocked off, make yourself comfortable because you’re not going anywhere on St. Patrick’s Day parade day.

2. Black Bears. They’re starting to come out of hibernation and like many of us city dwellers, despite the wooded options provided to the bears, some bears enjoy city living and choose to lay their weary heads down come winter in what city people would refer to as " the woods" but in reality is a patch of grass with some trees on it. It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference if you’re a black bear who wakes up hungry where he gets his grub - his belly wants what it wants even if that means meandering through your back yard to rummage through your trash cans. Whether they napped in the woods or roadside at the new peanut at Kelly Square, they're up and moving people and they’re hungry. Put away your bird feeders – if you see them eating the bird seed out of the feeder, use common sense and don’t refill it, they’ll be back. Keep your trash secure, grills clean, and any other food sources out of your yard, or they will interpret such items as an invitation to indulge on what they perceive as the buffet you have so kindly left out for them.

3. According to Mass.gov Division of Fisheries and Wildlife if you should see a black bear and you are indoors or somewhere you can observe them safely, do so and enjoy. This doesn’t mean run on out to your yard with your iphone in hopes to get a quick pic because you will get mauled and quite honestly, that would be your own damn fault. If you’re one of these nature loving over achiever types and are out hiking or wandering in the woods, keep a safe distance, make some noise such as clapping, yelling, banging things like sticks, wave your hands above your head, all to scare the bear away. According to the site it states that one should ... remain calm, talk to the bear in a calm voice (say ‘Hey bear, hey bear”) and slowly back away and leave the area. If a bear approaches or follows you, make yourself look bigger by putting your arms above your head. Continue to repeat "Hey bear" in a calm voice and back away and leave the area while monitoring the bear. If it continues to follow you, stand your ground, make yourself look bigger, shout at the bear, threaten the bear with whatever is at hand (bang a stick on the ground, clap your hands), and prepare to use bear pepper spray if it is available. If the bear stops following you or turns around, back away and leave the area. If the bear charges you, stand your ground, talk to the bear in a calm voice and use bear pepper spray when available. If the bear makes contact with you, fight back using anything you have (e.g. stick, binoculars, swinging a backpack, kicking, etc.)!

- Okay, so you know I’m going to pick this apart. I’m thinking for starters, if I am out hiking, ( but let’s call it as it is…is that really ever going to happen?) the last thing I’m going to have is a bat on hand, so that leaves that out. In my own yard by the time I got a bat out of the shed I’d have been eaten.

- The last phrase leaving my mouth is going to be hey bear, hey bear – anything I’ll be saying is most definitely going to start with WHAT, then THE, followed by F and ending in K with a variety of other adjectives in between.

- I’m definitely going to run, I don’t care what the wildlife people tell me. I am going to take my chances and flee rather than stand around waiting for some grumpy hangry bear to assess me for my snackability. But again, I’m no runner, so I will be eaten.

- Bear Spray- it’s a real thing. However, the only people I’ve ever seen use it live in Main South. True Story, ask Linda Wincek Moore from the Worcester Senior Center, she'll back me up on this - Bear Spray was in fact featured in past Antics...

- To prevent all this – don’t go out hiking in the woods, and don’t be a moron. Use some common sense and you won’t get eaten.

- As always, this is your public service announcement for the week…you’re welcome.

4. Exhibit 1, Perhaps this is where all the missing Amazon packages have been going - this could be the much sought after Porch Pirate that's been hitting The Woo.

5. You know what other season it is? Mud season. Those of you with dogs know what I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter if your dog has been trained to wipe their feet, how many door mats you have, the amount of spare towels set aside at each door to be used to wipe off paws…none of it makes a bit of difference, you will have a house full of muddy and wet paw prints. Don’t bother keeping your Swiffer mop at the ready until we’re guaranteed a string of dry days ahead of you. And those of you who adopt puppies in the spring, I’ve been there and feel for you. They certainly are adorable but the chronic mess that they ensue from now until mid May is not for the faint of heart. Good luck.

6. Anyone else live with people that when something in your house can’t be found they act as if the item they’re in search of has been stolen? No, the bagel seasoning has not been lifted right out of the spice cabinet – if it’s not exactly where you left it from the last time you used it, it’s probably hiding behind something else. Hear this – we have NOT been robbed.

7. Never dare the youngest kid in any family to do something. For starters, youngest kids in general aren’t afraid of much and invite a challenge. They’re resilient and self – reliant because they’ve had no choice but to be - they’ve been left places, never been to an appointment on time, been forgotten to be picked up, never had the front seat of the car until the older siblings moved out, have their take out left overs mysteriously disappear from the fridge, and more times than not been stuck hanging out with their parents while their older siblings went off and got lives for themselves. Did it surprise me that the youngest Kap kid dove in to a hedge we were walking past when dared to do so by her older brother? Of course it didn’t. Did it shock me that a., her older Brother never thought she’d do it, b. that she didn’t take one of her siblings down with her, and c. that she wouldn’t accept this challenge given? Absolutely. I was however disappointed that the older siblings weren’t thinking and didn’t get it all on video. I thought they were smarter than that.

8. The Edie fork…people are weird, we all know this, this is nothing new that hasn’t already been established. We all have hang ups, idiosyncrasies, things that make absolutely no sense to the rest of us. We’ve got a few of those in our house, one being the Edie Fork. No idea how this fork ever landed here at the Kap house, but its former home was in fact at Gramma Edie’s house. In the off chance that any of the Kap kids are mistakenly given the Edie fork when sitting at the dinner table, that's usually followed by, nope, no way, I'm not using THAT; Why do you hate me?; Are you trying to make me go hungry? And, I'd rather starve than use that fork...bunch of weirdo's.

9. National anthem – this was recently brought to our attention. Was anyone aware that it is against the law to sing The National Anthem in Massachusetts in any other way than in its entirety? That's right, if you start belting out the Anthem of our fine country, you better plan on finishing it, doesn't matter how bad you sound. According to Massachusetts Legislation, Part IV Title 1

Chapter 246 Section 9, this is the case. If singing it in public, once it’s started you better finish it. It can’t be altered, lyrics changed, put in a dance mix, shortened or modified in anyway, and if so, this is punishable by no more that a $100 fine. In the event you were planning on jamming this weekend to your own version of our country’s anthem, you may want to rethink that - check this out……

https://malegislature.gov/Laws/GeneralLaws/PartIV/TitleI/Chapter264/Section9

10. As you loyal readers know, we fact check here at The Antics, and when checking out this claim we spoke about in #9, we came across some other ridiculous laws that apply here in Massachusetts. Some are as follows…

- In Provincetown, it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday.

- It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.

- It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder.

- And my favorite…it's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits... This is good to know for the next time I run across a mule or other livestock stuffed in to a 3rd floor apartment in Main South.

And last but not least...should you find yourself humming the national anthem while eating your Mac and cheese with the Edie fork, avoid kicking pigeons. Doing so will startle that city bear and you'll get yourself eaten.

Have a great weekend!