Your Weekly Antics Don't be a Tool Edition...7/3/25
- lisaalkap
- Jul 3
- 5 min read
Well kids, here we are, the long 4th of July weekend. It's not the long weekend for all, some more responsible and/or unfortunate souls have to work. Some people have to keep our communities running, so with that said, remember your firefighters, police officers and all first responders before you go out and do something stupid. It's too damn hot for them to be out there dealing with the likes of you and your poor choices. Here's what I've got...
1. Let’s talk about tools. There are real tools like screwdrivers and hammers. Then there’s makeshift DIY tools, like the ones people rig up to reach things, for instance duct taping a scraper to a broom handle to reach something. Then there are the everyday kitchen utensils that can be used to fix things when you either can’t find a screwdriver, or don’t care to, because a butter knife works just fine. That’s the category I fall into. I do all my best work with a spoon and a butter knife. Don’t knock it til you try it friends…they get the job done.
2. For instance, who needs garden tools to plant your deck boxes when you can use a plain old serving spoon, particularly one from your mother’s silverware drawer that used to belong to a much-loved deceased relative. Why run to the basement when you can easily go into the kitchen, get what you need, and get to planting. These utensils are sturdier than most of the gardening tools you pick up at Wal Mart, you don’t have to rummage around looking for them, and you’re messing with the universe testing out if that person’s spirit can really come back to haunt you as threatened, because you may or may not be disrespecting what they left behind. You bunch of chickens…live a little and try it. If the apparition of the former owner of said silverware makes an appearance, apologize, clean the utensil, return it to its designated place, burn some sage, and go on with your day…no harm no foul. I’ll do just about anything to avoid running down the cellar stairs.
3. Then there’s quick fixes to things when you either can’t find the real product you need, you’re lazy and again, have no intentions of running down the cellar stairs to find it, or don’t have time to mess around. That’s when toothpaste comes in. You have a broken kitchen floor tile to fix? Grab a tube of toothpaste and your trusty butter knife and get to spackling, done. Bardhi across the street would not approve, nor would the Original Mr. Rivera, or perhaps maybe they would applaud my resourcefulness…I’m going with the latter. Exhibit 1, my tools of choice.
4. As we are coming up on the 4th of July, I feel it is my responsibility that in no way shape or form do The Antics suggest you DIY any kind of fireworks or contraption to set said fireworks off for all your neighborhood to see. This is not including or limited to all the stupid DIY videos and step by step directions that can be found on the internet when you google, how to make your own fireworks…google it, I dare you. We as a society are just getting stupider and stupider, and I’m not posting a link here because I like to sleep at night. I want no affiliation with some asshat who clicks a link, makes his own fireworks and then inadvertently burns his eyebrows off. Let's hope our readers are smarter than that.
5. So, if you’re planning on providing your neighborhood with the biggest and most elaborate 4th of July display they have ever seen, leave it to the professionals rather than accidentally dismembering yourselves. Or do what everyone else does, hop in the car and head on over the border to purchase legal fireworks and smuggle them over state lines. When the statey’s pull you over don't come crying to us...you have been warned. Also, dogs hate fireworks. Don’t be a jerk.
6. # 5 brings us smoothly into our next topic, the human tool. Admit it, you all know one. You know, and I know, there will be some asshat somewhere who decides to do just that, set something on fire, or throw a DIY firework out their window, call it their 4th of July celebration and accidentally set the neighborhood on fire. That of course does not happen down here on our corner because we know better than that and aren’t complete idiots.
7. Then there are the tools we may or may not run into in our professional lives who we are tasked to assist. You know the ones, those who make us crazy and leave us wondering how the hell they make it through the day without getting themselves arrested and thrown in the clink. Are they here just to mess with us? Perhaps their sole purpose is to ensure that I remain gainfully employed? Or…is it a test from the universe to see if they can finally break me, I join them, or I quit? You know who I’m talking about…anyone who has chosen to spend their lives doing the work of the people know…we all work with someone who fits this description. It’s a holiday weekend kids, let’s follow our sound advice and stay out of trouble, shall we? Or don't, but I'm not answering my phone until Tuesday.
8. That brings me to a mantra we have not heard in a bit and perhaps we should revisit…Help Me Help You. We even have this printed up on t-shirts and stickers, yet no one follows this solid and sound advice.
9. That brings me to you can’t save everyone…another one we haven't heard in a while. You can talk to people until you’re blue in the face, but we will still have those individuals who will not follow our sound advice or practice common sense and get themselves kicked out of their extended stay hotels because they decided it would be a good idea to skinny dip in the hotel pool. The hotel pool is a public place jack wagon, not your back yard. I don’t know what to tell you. GET YOUR S&*& TOGETHER.
10. Another reminder to put out there…you can’t Flim Flam a Flim Flammer. We’ve seen it all and if on the rare occasion we haven't, we've been around a while and have active imaginations. Therefore, the ridiculousness you are attempting to pull off will absolutely not surprise us, this is not my first rodeo, As stated in #9 we can't fix or save everything and everyone, and you my friend may find you have made your own bed which will now be relocated to a parking lot because you couldn’t keep your act together. Exhibit 2, Loki may be able to flim flam me, but he's able to maintain the status of his housing.
And last but not least…whatever you choose to do this 4th of July weekend, please do so responsibly and refrain from setting your neighborhoods on fire.
Have a great weekend!
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