Your Weekly Antics Damned if You Do, Damned if you Don't Edition...1-26-2023

Well kids, Mother Nature, the not-so wintery spiteful Vixen that she is, has hit again. She continues to mess with our meteorologist friends who monitor the local weather, getting everyone all jacked up thinking the sky is falling and then, nothing. So far this week school kids across the region have had a snow day for mediocre snow fall here in the area, delay start to their school day, and an early dismissal. Heads are rolling and people near and far are in an uproar, acting like the Superintendent of Schools is some how in cahoots with Mother Nature and weather watchers everywhere. My thoughts on this are, cut the lady some slack…she’s only as good as the information she’s given and I’m fairly certain being an amateur weatherman wasn’t a pre requisite for the job running the schools of our fine city. You know and I know, had she not called for the delay start, early dismissal and snow day, we would’ve been hit with 18 inches of snow just as the busses were rolling out to pick all your cherubs up, that's just how things work around here - so quit you’re whining and let's consider this her first official welcome to New England…here’s what I’ve got…

1. Help me help you. How often do I say this to myself? At least 15 times a day in between writing my resignation. I’d love to help you sir, and would certainly be more than willing to contact all of your Medical providers in attempts to better your living situation and secure the services that you need if you’d stop giving me incorrect phone numbers. Instead of his Doctors numbers, this guy was giving me the numbers to all his favorite pizza joints, insisting they were the direct lines to the medical professionals that serve him. When I went back and asked him for clarification, he was then stumped wondering how in the world he could have confused his Doctors numbers with local take - out spots, because those spots don't cater to his specific restricted dietary needs, so why would he be contacting them? Under no uncertain terms does he partake in any pizza pie, soda or French fries; steak and cheese bombs smothered in extra cheesy goodness; big greasy double cheese burgers; because those particular delicious food items do not fall under the specific low carb, low sodium, no sugar diet he has been prescribed. It must be a coincidence or it must be me who has take - out on the brain…okay pal, and I’m the tooth fairy. Get it together...

2. The fanny pack has made a come back kids. Just ask one of our tried and true Elder Services employees who went out of his way this week to drop off extra meals to an elder in need. This particular employee has been a regular mention in past editions and if he hasn’t been given enough credit for all of his hard work and dedication before, he has certainly earned one of Parenteau’s gold stars of times past right about now. When delivering meals to this house, the recipient met him at the door wearing nothing but a fanny pack. You read that right, but read it again if you must. Images such as these cannot be unseen and are not soon forgotten. Joe, consider this part of your initiation in to the world of Crisis Intervention - join us on the other side my friend - you've seen the worst of it...seriously, come on ovahhhhhh.

3. We at The Antics feel we've done you all a service by speaking of Joe's experience. His taking one for the team has actually served two purposes. 1. he went above and beyond by assisting someone in need by providing him with days worth of nutritious and well balanced meals, and 2. he has also inadvertently taken a stand against the come back of the fanny pack. None of you - Joe included - will ever be able to look at a fanny pack the same way again, never mind purchase one for yourselves. Joe, the fashion world and people everywhere thank you.

4. Here’s a face for you. Don’t feel bad for this knucklehead. Sure, she has a disability, but don’t let her fool you, she manages just fine because she knows sign language, true story. This is the face of the dog who manages to get herself left behind and locked out on the regular because she doesn’t pay attention and follow the rest of her pack when it’s time to come inside. Was she standing on a chair staring in at us from the front porch recently? Of course she was, because she was too busy chewing up sticks and digging holes to notice when she was being left by the others and didn't stop destroying things long enough to see the lights being blinked on and off signaling her to get her ass inside and out of the snow. When she does decide to come in, she acts neglected like she’s been left outside on purpose, the dope. Exhibit 1, Goose

5. If you’re a Kap kid, you may be able to tell a story or two of when your Mother may or may not have forgotten to pick you up from a variety of different places. Let’s review…middle kid, circa 2010. I may or may not have forgotten to pick her up from Catechism one Sunday morning at St. Peter’s Church. Silver lining? Proof I make attempts at being a good Catholic, and I got her started early socializing with strangers and doing the work of the people. Oldest Kap kid…also circa 2010 ish, I may or may not have answered the phone when you called me at work because you forgot your clarinet for class that day. Lesson learned? Remember your own stuff for school, or if you forget and can’t reach me, call Leah Hazard, she knows how your Mother is, where we keep the spare key, and she’ll be quick to assist...this is what we call resourcefulness and problem solving. Youngest Kap kid…she was forgotten, lost or left so many places it stopped phasing her years ago. So this week when I was late picking her up for early dismissal it was like any other day. Her Mother did eventually pick her up off the side of the road before she made it all the way home. Lesson learned? Your Mom may be late 99% of the time, but the Irish guilt that runs deep from forgetting the middle kid in Main South keeps her from forgetting to pick you up all together. #motheroftheyear

6. Check out these two who showed up unexpectedly at Sue Millers earlier in the week to take care of all of her snow shoveling needs. Little did they know that after shoveling they’d be forced to pose for a picture to put in this weeks Antics – Gotta give credit where credit’s due…Exhibit 2 Joe and Dave – part of the crew that keeps Sue Miller afloat.

7. If you've been hanging out with me for any number of years, you may know a thing or two about me and my hang ups that I'd like to consider my endearing qualities. Do I swear a lot? Yes I do, I think of that as a spirited and creative way to liven up any kind of conversation. Am I loyal? Yes again. You mess with my friends, I will make it my life's work to mess with you under the cover of darkness that you'll never see coming. These same friends who embrace these qualities also know about my hang ups at restaurants. They know that when going out to dinner I can never make up my mind what I want to order. This is actually ridiculous because it’s not like I’m going somewhere upscale and fancy where the menu may be written in a foreign language or the food served may be a delicacy or unfamiliar to me - please, I’m not that adventurous. What happens every single time is I hem and haw over the menu just to ultimately order whatever the person right before me orders. It doesn’t matter what they’re ordering or how they’re ordering it, I get what they’re getting and that’s that, no complaints. Lucky for me my friends are kind, have picked up on this, know how it goes, and thankfully have good taste and have never ordered something disgusting. Well, that may have all changed… I learned something this week about my friend of 42 years and that is, she’s sick of my crap. Moving forward, If I’m going to meet Amy Bullett out for dinner at Peppercorns, I should probably not do so on any night that falls between Thursday and Saturday because she’s willing to mess with me and roll the dice. Exhibit 3 Thanks Peppercorns, but no thanks – I’m not doing it, especially when out with Bullett...this could be anything…

8. What in the fresh hell is this? Just when we think conspiracies can’t run any deeper, they – whoever they may be - start messing with our alcohol. For all of you kids out there who’ve been stealing nips out of your parents secret stash, I’ve got news for ya…joke’s on you…For you older folks out there thinking you can handle your alcohol on Girls Weekend, think again, you light weights have been doing shots of cinnamon flavored water for years. According to Whiting this is old news, she's always in the know before the rest of us...but did anyone tell Adley? Exhibit 4

9. This is Hank. Hank is a Beta Fish. Hank has been living on my mantle temporarily until his owner can safely transport him to his permanent residence. In the meantime Hank's been living a pretty good life swimming around and around in circles...why you ask? Because he's a fish, and one would assume that's what fish do, because what else would they do all day....or, maybe because Hank's not too bright. None of the non humans here in the Kap pack have informed Hank that Auggie is not his friend and perhaps in her presence he should swim himself to the bottom of his bowl. Good luck and Godspeed Hank - you may be swimming to the other side sooner than later.

10. You can take the kid out of The Woo but you can't take The Woo out of the kid...check out this happy face...Cumberland Fahms has landed in Virginia... Julie, you did my heart good.

And last but not least...if you're having a bad day just remember this, it could be worse. You could be swimming around in circles day in and day out wearing just a fanny pack while drinking non alcoholic fireball out of your Cumbies mug.

Have a great weekend!