Your Weekly Antics Bring Back Dodge Ball Edition 1-19-2023

Well kids, I hope you all enjoyed your extra day off this week in honor of Martin Luther King day. I’m sure you all used this day to do something kind for someone else, if you didn’t, you’ve still got time so get it together… here's what I've got...

1. Mittens. Real men wear mittens. Here’s what I’m going to say about that. Your hands, a prehensile, multi-fingered appendage are a very important part of the body people, as are your fingers and it’s important to keep them warm. If you lose a finger to frost bite, you’re going to have a problem. Less dramatically, it’s uncomfortable being cold and if you’re out and about it’s always nice to have a go – to pair of mittens to keep you warm. Sure, gloves are nice, but I prefer a solid pair of mittens over gloves any day. You need to take care of your hands and your fingers people, why keep your fingers separated in a pair of gloves when you can enclose them all together with their friends in a nice warm fuzzy pair of mittens? And no, this is not just my opinion because I’m wicked smart, according to the internet where we confirm all our useless information and trivia, this was said…

Mittens properly-sized will be warmer than properly-sized gloves with the same set of materials used to make them (same outer material and liner used). Poorly-fitted gloves are unpredictable. Mittens keep your fingers together, generating and/or retaining more body heat. Properly-fitted gloves provide better dexterity.

What’d I tell you? Keep your fingers together.

2. This brings me to winter safety. If you’re a product of living through the Blizzard of ’78, either struggled through it, or were a kid who was home for days and days on end from school for the much celebrated snow days of our youth, you may have engrained in your head the stories we saw on the news or were told by our parents, that it’s always important to be prepared for a storm. This involves car safety and anything and everything you may need in your car should you get stuck on the side of the road. Let’s review…

- Blanket

- warm clothing or a spare jacket

- granola bars or other go to nonperishable snacks

- bottled water

- flashlight

- batteries for that flashlight (don’t be a dope and forget the batteries…)

- shovel

- phone charger

- jumper cables

- first aid kit

- ice scraper

- socks - we need to keep those appendages warm and dry too

- orange traffic cone (if you are so inclined, you may always choose to lift an orange traffic cone from any roadway currently under construction in The Woo…)

- and of course, a pair of MITTENS

Yes, thus far we have had a mild winter, but it’s recommended that you always keep items such as these in your car because you just never know. We live in New England kids, get it together…

3. Some people really don’t care that it’s January and the middle of winter. Yes, so far the season has been kind to us and we haven’t had any substantial snow or storms to deal with, for crying out loud most of us can still see what’s left of our lawns. However, it is still winter. It’s cold. It may not be in the negative degrees, but it’s still been seasonably cold outside. When it’s cold one should dress appropriately for the weather when in or out of the privacy of your own home. If it’s the middle of a heat wave in July and I show up at your house and your naked tht makes far more sense to me than when I roll up mid January and there you are answering your door in the suit God gave you. Get some damn clothes on…I beg of you.

4. Now, if I show up unannounced without giving you any warning that I’d be rolling on up to your humble abode, I knock on the door and ring the bell and you yell to me to come in and I find you laying in bed unclothed, I’m going to assume that your are in the middle of a medical emergency rather than being a plain old jackass who thinks it’s a real hoot to never be wearing clothes. This my friend is why no one is willing to hang out here and clean your house. Clean up your act friend – I’m over it.

5. Dodge ball – we’ve spoken about Dodge ball in past Antics as it had come to our attention that in many school districts the coveted game of Dodge ball had been banned and no longer played because society is doing what we can to soften America’s youth. Today we’re here to tell you that Dodge ball is back people. So what if they’ve softened the game by switching out the original hard red vinyl dodge ball of the 80’s and replaced it with a foam version that’s slightly larger than a softball. My inside sources inform me that in this new watered down version of dodgeball, when the new age ball is thrown just so and with the correct amount of force and technique, that ball on occasion can still have the same effect as that original dodge ball of old. It’s good to know that despite society’s best efforts there are still school kids running and crying from gym classes across the Commonwealth. #dodgeball4eva

5 a. Here's a good one...when a certain kid was getting ready for school this morning she announces, I have an exam first period today - written - on paper - who does that???

Oh the horror...imagine that? Having to hand write anything at school??? Poor kids. Again, soft...not everything is on the computer...get a huge red vinyl ball hucked at your head during gym first period, then you can complain. Buckle up - Mr. Tivnan is laughing at you from beyond...

6. With all the changes to office life in the past several years, the Suggestion Box of old is no longer in physical form, but like everything else these days most suggestion boxes can be found in electronic form on your businesses computer system. With just one click you too can suggest new team building activities for your office and co workers. I’m thinking a new and fun team building activity for the Protective Services department at Elder Services would be a spirited game of Dodgeball right out in the parking lot of 67 Millbrook Street. We’ll invite social workers near and far to join us. As we pretty much serve as human shields in a rock fight on any given day, we have some practice dodging things being thrown at us, therefore I’m confident we’ll kick all your asses, especially if we're playing the scrubs in CIT. See you on the streets.

7. It’s ideas and comments like those noted in #6 that one should consider themselves lucky that they continue to have life long friends who remain in our corner. With that said I’d like to add that I may have this printed on a t shirt - for my underground work Dodgeball team of course - Amy McCrohon Bullett…keeping me gainfully employed since 1987.

8. Instead of taking my aggression out on passersby by hucking things at them out of my moving car window, I continue to opt for a gentler caffeinated version of stress relief. This week at Sweets & Java in Holden not only do they have their new winter specials up, but are keeping their customers like myself caffeinated, engaged and in the know by keeping us educated and up to date on what's happening in current events and entertainment. They give you options like any good establishment would…when tipping this week one is asked do you prefer Taylor Swift or Harry Styles? Like them both? Throw some change in each jar. Don’t like either? Tip in one of them anyway. Don’t have any idea who Harry and Taylor are? Just ask Emma…she’s trying to keep our community at large in the know. Support your local business people…

9. Here’s a kick in the chops…flowers and plants. If I had a nickel for every plant I killed, died on its own or had some level of unsuccess, I’d have enough cash on hand to open up an unsuccessful greenery/nursery type establishment. Get a load of this…I ran across these very cool Paperwhite Bulbs at Seed to Stem in the Canal District over the Christmas shopping season. I bought a few bulbs and gave them to some of my favorite people, keeping one for myself. Clearly I’ve done something to piss mine off because here are the results so far… guess which one takes up space here at the Kap house.

10. Eggs - the cost of eggs are still going up kids and before you decide to break all the rules and ordinances in the community in which you live and run out and buy yourself a bunch of chickens, we may have a temporary solution for you...Exhibit whatever number we're at....a chart of other foods we can use in place of eggs in many of our common recipes. Thank you Vickie Barrett who's always looking out for the faithful readers of The Antics.

And last but not least...be kind people - you never know who's had something hucked at their head today.

Have a great weekend!