Your Weekly Antics, Boys Have Boobs Too Edition...9-28-23

lisaalkap
Sep 28, 2023
7 min read

Well kids, did the title get your attention? I hope so, that was our intention. This week we’re going to touch upon a subject no one likes to talk about, breast cancer. Even though the dreaded "C" word is no laughing matter, maybe a bit of humor will help spread awareness on how to take better care of ourselves…especially you men out there who as a rule, ignore all warning signs of health issues and don’t listen to your significant others. Jake, if you’re reading this, which I know any given week can be a long shot, you are the exception. Although a scrub, Jake did listen to his body and of course he always listens to his wife, so thankfully he got ahead of things. For the rest of you scrubs out there, listen up. Here’s what I’ve got …

1. To start, Mr. & Mrs. Messier, I am perfectly aware that I referred to Jake as a scrub, please don’t take offense. You know, and I know, that this phrase does not in anyway sum up your son. However, for the sake of the good and welfare of all, I can’t go ahead and show Jake an abundance of love and praise all the time, or ever really, or admit in any way that I love him because if I did, I’d be running the risk of upsetting the delicate balance of the universe and we can't have that - the world is full of enough turmoil and chaos, I'd be doing all of us a disservice, and this could be in fact interpreted as counter productive in my on going pledge of doing the work of the people.

2. Referring back to #1, now that I’m thinking about it, there is no need for me to show Jake any love, ever, because Sue Miller does that. Not one picture of Ronnie Miller or I in a frame, tacked up, hung on the fridge, in a pile somewhere, anywhere to be found in her house, but there’s a framed newspaper article and picture of Jake Messier that gets pulled out and put on the mantel on St. Patrick’s Day and Christmas. Why you ask? Who the hell knows. All I do know, is I speak the truth. Exhibit 1, the Golden Child.

3. Boobs, ta ta’s, nips, bosom, breasts, breasteses, mammary glands, melons, the twins, man boobs, utters, the girls - the nicknames and slang used for breasts are endless - I googled nicknames for breasts and the lists were long, too many as a matter of fact. Not to mention, those out there controlling the internet world are probably going to have a field day with me for googling such things as “ nicknames and slang for breasts…” Can’t wait to see what the google algorithm has in store for me now. For all the talk and obsession our society has for boobs and for coming as far as we have in spreading awareness for breast cancer, breast cancer in men is still not widely spoken of. I’m here to tell you friends, man or woman, we all have boobs and like all other appendages on our bodies, we have to take care of them. Get it together.

4. I’m not going to claim to be any kind of authority on this topic or regarding anything medical for that matter – when I was told of Jake’s diagnosis, I did what most of us do, went straight to the internet. I didn’t have to search high and low however, because Jake has kept us informed as only Jake can do. There is so much information out there people, it’s overwhelming...that is, if you go looking for it.

Exhibit 2, Joe and Andrea, because how can this picture not brighten your day?

5. With that said, my takeaway from some of the basic’s I’ve read online, in various medical articles and sifting through all the big words Jake may have relayed via text is this…Breast cancer is not just a women’s disease, despite less than 1% of those diagnosed with breast cancer being men. That’s 1 in every 100 diagnoses. Men generally don’t get regular mammograms like women do; therefore, the first signs are generally discovered when a lump makes its unwelcome appearance on, behind, or near the breast, under the nipple, or it may present as lumps in the armpit. I’ve known a lot of guys over the years who like to check themselves out with their shirts off in the mirror, so I’m asking when you guys out there are doing so, (and admit it, we all know you do this…) please be more aware of what you’re looking at. We all know you’re studs; all we’re asking is when you’re checking yourselves out be mindful of what you’re looking at. Are you hairy? Probably. Anything look different or out of the ordinary? Are your pectoral muscles still looking like they did when you were 21? I don’t care how long you look; no, they most definitely are not. Got some extra flab going on? Don’t we all. Just make sure that flab doesn't have any extra bumps and lumps that seem out of the ordinary. All we’re saying is, when you’re checking yourselves out, take a better look. Seeing or feeling something is the first line of defense. If you see or feel something, don’t be a putz, call the Doctor. Exhibit 3, Sue Miller and I after a crazy night at Bunco.

6. Another fact found in some of those various articles I read…the average age for a man to be diagnosed with breast cancer is the age of 67. Just because that’s what the medical articles say doesn’t mean that always stands true. Jake isn’t 67. He may have the charisma and charm of a dashing 25 year old man, but I’m here to tell you that he is not 25 and he is also not 67 - he is in fact in his early 50’s. There’s always that off chance that you will be that needle in the haystack of non average. Jake isn’t average, has never done anything average, and doesn’t live averagely, so why should his man boobs be average? That’s right, I said it again…boobs. Get used to it.

Exhibit 4 found in the Dove candy that was in the fabulous raffle basket Linda Corcoran donated for Bunco last week.

Here are some more facts about men and breast cancer...

https://amp.cancer.org/cancer/types/breast-cancer-in-men/about/what-is-breast-cancer-in-men.html

7. So, you may or may not have found a lump on your breast. Are you going to be afraid to say something because you’re a man and men don’t have those kind of boobs, you actually have pecs or whatever else ridiculousness you are calling your manly chest? Of course you are. Because this isn’t the typical man cold you all whine about and act like you need a full-fledged maternity leave to get over. It’s not sniffles or a sore throat. It's a lump. A lump that shouldn’t be there and is located right around the area where your nipple is. That’s right, I said it again. Nipple. Nipple, nipple, nipple. Now go get it checked out. Be like Jake and don't be a wimp. Exhibit 5, Jake & Nicole. Nic is my bonus friend I was lucky enough to pick up by staying friends with this guy for 30 years.

8. Should your Doctor dismiss you and tell you there’s nothing to worry about, find a different doctor. You know your body when something doesn’t look or feel right, waiting will only prolong the inevitable, complicate matters and mess with your life. If it’s nothing, great, no harm no foul. If it’s something and you ignored it, well now you’ve wasted time and screwed yourself. In short, don’t be a shmuck. Listen to us and call the person who went to medical school for a billion years and has the unpaid medical school debt and extra letters at the end of their name to show for it…that’s right, the Doctor – give him or her a call. Exhibit 6, Nic's St. Pat's Day photo bomb. Cameo appearance in the back of Ronnie Miller - he has boobs too by the way.

9. Push up bra's, sports bra's, nursing bra's, strapless bra's, boob jobs, breast enhancements, breast reductions, you name it...for all of the visual attention given to boobs in our society you'd think we'd be desensitized and more comfortable openly talking about our boob health. If women are feeling that way, imagine what men feel like, after all, most men who hopefully outgrown staring at their pecs in the mirror, ignore their own boobs all together. Here's a fun fact...breast cancer doesn't care if you have other manly parts and are biologically a male. It does not identify you as a male and does not care that you are not female. It doesn't care that unlike women, your breasts were not put there to serve a nutritional purpose to any of your offspring, aka, mini me's. Boobs are boobs and can cause any of us a headache and if undetected, undiagnosed, ignored, breast cancer will come for you. I feel it's an extra kick in the n*&% that so much attention is paid to women and their breasts that men get no attention paid to their breasts at all. Breast cancer is so uncommon in males that when they do seek treatment they often look around the waiting room of one of the various doctors office's they frequent and find themselves to be the only male in the room. Your younger stealthier single self would really enjoy these odds, but now not so much. Talk about it - they're only boobs for crying out loud.

Exhibit SNL's Hans and Frans circa 1987-1989.