Your Weekly Antics, Believe in Your Elf Edition...12-8-2022
- lisaalkap
- Dec 8, 2022
- 8 min read
All you fools who fell victim to retailers and money makers sucking us all in to purchase yet another fad that starts out cute and then torments us, I’m here for you, so listen up. As Parents, one more thing to forget to do or the dog to eat or to lose in the laundry, is that Elf on the Shelf and we are in the throws of Elf on the Shelf season as we speak - you all know what I’m talking about, that dreaded Elf, the destroyer of holiday magic and your childrens hopes and dreams. Just when you settle down for the night your tiny offspring comes to you and says, but our Elf, he didn’t move today, why Mom? I’ll tell you why kid, because I’m really the Elf and I’m tired and disorganized and too worried about remembering to feed you people never mind move that God -for- saken Elf around. Despair not my friends and pay attention...here's what I've got...
1. I‘m here to tell you, your kids will grow up. Sure, you’ll be sad and some days look back on the days of old when they loved you no matter what and were cute and cuddly, but believe me now, you’ll get over it. Here’s how it’ll go down when you too have grown children. They’ll know what’s good for them and will never admit they do not believe the big guy exists, because they’ll know when and if the day ever comes that they utter the words that Santa isn't real, that all gift giving comes to an abrupt halt and the only gifts they’ll be finding under that giant shrub you cut down from the Christmas tree Farm, will be socks and tighty whiteys. They know better than to try you on this one because they know you, know you well, and know that you speak the truth and always follow through on a threat. They will also know for certain that the Elf on the Shelf is a fraud and has been nothing but a thorn in your side since the day his pre packaged self landed at your kitchen counter all rosy cheeked and freaky looking. They may even partake in your disdain and light fire to the little bugger, who knows. As long as you’ve taught them how to use a fire extinguisher or better yet your fire pit, it’s all good. Our Elf on the Shelf hitched a ride in the oldest Kap kids bag of goodies he returned to Boston with from Thanksgiving weekend, and there the Elf remains. Good luck and Godspeed, or perhaps Good riddance – don't let the door hit you on the way out. Exhibit 1, Charlie the drunken Elf takes on Boston.
2. I know you’ve all been waiting on bated breath for the outcome of Robyn’s attempts at the chocolate covered turkey treats from Thanksgiving. Well, here they are…Exhibit 2…Robyn’s failed attempts at this new tried and true treat. If there were a second hand thrift store type joint in The Woo that catered to misfit chocolate candies like the Hostess Twinkie Outlet on Chandler Street from our childhoods, these would be a front runner. At least I hope they’d get the front, they look like they could use handicapped accessible parking to get where they’re going. She may or may not have flipped me off in this photo.
Exhibit 3, the magic mittens... perhaps Robyn was wearing the magic mittens while attempting to accomplish chocolatey perfection via turkey treat form. Did no one inform her that the chocolate turkeys require more than thumbs to assemble? Is she such an expert Baker that she thought she could throw caution to the wind, defeat the odds and put together said treats with only the use of her thumbs? We all know Robyn is fabulous, but even the fabulous have their limits of expertise. Sadly, the only one who suffered in this failed attempt was the chocolate covered Turkeys. If she's still speaking to me, maybe we can get her to make these for us for Christmas. Chris! Tell the girls at Mykonos.
3. Just when you think that leaf removal and trash pick up couldn’t get more fun for us here at The Antics, it was leaf removal/street sweeping day on Sue Miller’s street. There’s always one. There’s always one clown who doesn’t heed the good advice handed out by the man, including large bright fluorescent orange signs that are hung from every other tree on the street, warning all residents that the street is due to be swept, therefore, move your damn cars. The city couldn’t make it more simple and straight forward for us people, seriously. This one neighbor in particular clearly thought he was above the law because that jack wagon not only stayed parked in the street, but did so in such a way that prohibited the street sweepers from collecting/removing/cleaning up the leaves in front of Sue Millers house. Between you and me readers, this neighbor in question should consider himself lucky that all they received on the windshield was a big fat ticket. You don’t mess with Sue Miller’s sidewalk, it’s as simple as that. Karma, it's real.
4. I ventured out on a mission with my Mother earlier in the week and was nowhere near any of my usual tried and true coffee spots. Being out of familiar territory, I’m sorry to admit I had no choice but to hit up a Starbucks Drive-thru. I ordered myself a large hot caramel brulee latte. Yes, I know a large at Starbucks is referred to as Venti, but if you’re a regular reader you’ll know just out of principle I’m not using the term Venti because it’s annoying. Second, go ahead and make fun of me, I deserve it, I was sucked into the Christmassy magic that the holiday offering of flavors and cup décor had to offer, and third, you should all know, I was robbed. It’s my own damn fault however that this one, large, hot latte came out to the tune of $6.57. Six dollars and fifty seven cents for 20 ounces of coffee. Technically that’s not even a total of 20 ounces of just coffee, you’ve probably got about 6 ounces of milk or whatever mixed in there making up the latte portion of things. For that price one would expect it be served to you by dancing bears or that tune of $6.57 being sung to the customer via singable cup, but no…this was not magic coffee people, just highway robbery.
5. Park Ave update. Let’s refresh our memories and think back on this time last year. Just about this time last year Andrea was unceremoniously accosted by a deer that chose to bolt across Park Ave. in front of her car while she was minding her own business driving home from work. Has she listened to her fellow Worcester peeps and sought out an alternate route to and from her work to her homestead? Of course not, she's a glutton for punishment and continues to drive the devils roadway to and from work every - single - day. Fast forward to this week. This time it wasn’t a deer that Andrea was accosted by, instead by some jay walking fool who decided to present himself in front of her moving vehicle armed with a giant bucket of KFC. Not sure where this guy thinks he’s living but one needs more than a bucket of KFC to keep you safe from the on coming traffic of Park Ave. This gentleman faired far better than the deer did last year and luckily he jaunted away unscathed while plowing through his bucket of KFC like it was his job. #onlyinthewoo
6. Regularly the work of the people takes us out of the Woo and into the surrounding towns. Last week I was sent out and about and came across this. Just an ordinary home on an ordinary street that runs through an ordinary New England town. Nothing unusual about this house – not too big – not too small. I wasn't out in the middle of farm land. Nothing that would cause one to stop in the middle of the road or to turn around abruptly to make sure you saw what you thought you were seeing, or was there? Exhibit 4…random horse on a random house’s front lawn. You're going to have to take my word for it because I don't know these people therefore don't want to out them and add their lovely horse's picture to this weeks Antics. Also in the photo which will not be shared, was the horse's buddy, the goat. Yes, I'd love one for Christmas, don't tell Pat Cherry. In the meantime, take a gander at this guy...
7. Apps. There are apps for everything. Apps to order your over priced Starbucks coffee, social media apps, dating apps, apps to track your exercise, apps to manage the lights in your house or security cameras…here’s one I bet you’ve never heard of, the Refrigerator app. No, this is not an app that yells at you for over indulging in Grammy’s coveted pecan pie, but an app to tell you such things as when the refrigerator door is left open. Exhibit 5, my soon to be former friend Brian and his new stainless steel refrigerator. You heard it here first folks, he and that fridge are going to take over the world…look out Alexa.
8. Appliances and lights. According to google a lamp can be considered a small appliance as it is armed with an electrical chord and a light bulb. I’m here to report that not one, but two lamps were broken in the Kap house all in the same day, soon to be followed up with the Brita water filter. No these items were not thrown or intentionally broken, we're just clumsy here and things happen. Evil cat has decided to follow suit by testing fate and the validity behind the myth of all cats having 9 lives, and has begun messing with the Christmas tree lights - she's bound to get zapped leaving us with no lights at all...by the end of the week we should find ourselves completely in the dark. Send help.
9. You guessed it, it’s a full moon this week kids, making its grand appearance amongst the cloud covered sky and rain in the dark hours of December 7th. There must’ve been a lot of brain storming to be had coming up with its other name, the Cold Moon - I wonder if the committee who decided on that name received an award for coming up with that one. Despite the lack of originality in its name, Decembers moon will meet its buddy Mars and in most of North America, will be seen drifting very, very closely to Mars and then obscure it entirely like that attention grabbing friend who tries to steal the show at every get together. This astronomical event is called a “lunar occultation.” You’re welcome.
10. According to my friend Kathleen, the word on the street is that the gift of the year this Christmas is the selfie stick. Listen up Yosef, for the low cost of $15.99 you can be Husband of the Year this Christmas, you know, in addition to already being the best husband ever on every other day of the year, not just on this grand holiday. What is this, Exhibit 6? Who the hell knows...this is the selfie stick and the link to Amazon...who's got your back Yo? The Antics does, that's who...
And last but not least...in the event you'd like to unload that no good freeloading Elf, let me know. I'm sure I can hook you up with the oldest Kap kids address...we can send them all to him.
Have a great weekend!
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