Your Weekly Antics, 4 Shopping Days til Christmas Edition...12-20-24

Well kids, you have 4 shopping days left until Christmas, count them four. If you haven’t bought your gifts yet, particularly those that need to be mailed, let’s face it, you’re screwed (Sorry Kinosian, per usual, I suck...). Before you all decide to go running to CVS at 5:45pm Christmas Eve looking for that dream present your loved one has always wanted to jump right out at you from behind the soon to be half off Christmas m&m's remember you still have the weekend. There's still time, use it wisely and don’t blow it. No need to run to CVS when you can still submerge yourself in the world of retail the last shopping weekend before Christmas. Tell yourself it'll be fun, a great time had by all, and don't take your last-minute shopping rage out on the poor workers who are already rethinking their life choices working in retail no thanks to the likes of you. Keep it together people, you'll get it done. Here's what I've got...

1. Life hacks…gotta love them. Some are good, seem like they may be useful, then there are others. This for instance. What in the fresh hell is this? Apparently, this is someone’s interpretation of snacks on the go…someone somewhere who had too much time on their hands decided it would be a good idea, and perhaps a way to make themselves Tik Tok famous, by coming up with this dumbass idea…French fries on the go. This clown turned her shoes into a device to transport fries and ketchup with her while out hiking. Let’s break this down, shall we?  How I know this is false and a way to see how bored people are, me included, to stop and watch this stupidity is this…which one of you fools who are avid hikers are going to choose to take fries and ketchup with you as your snack of choice while out in the wilderness hiking up and down and all around. I’m already questioning your judgement because you are choosing to spend your free time exercising, uphill, in the woods with the bears and the serial killers, but regardless of this poor life choice in my opinion, you health-conscious individuals are certainly not replenishing your calories by eating Foot French fries. Second, no one is hiking in those shoes, and third, no idiot is cutting up a completely good pair of Chucks to stick French fries in them. Yet, this stupidity still caught my attention, and I watched. Don’t you get sucked in to, here’s a screen shot, just to satisfy your curiosity.

2. The list of local establishments I will no longer frequent is growing. I had to stop and remind myself several times since last week that the ignorance of mankind could very well be due to the effects of the full moon, or at least we can hope. Let’s just say I will not be frequenting any pharmacy’s anywhere on Park Ave that happen to begin with the letter “W”. Exhibit 1, maybe Gibson is responsible for the disappearance of who will be discussed in #3.

3. Any of you out there have an Elf on a Shelf? I’m here to report that many years ago I experienced a temporary moment of weakness, and like glitter, I allowed that rat bastard into my home. From the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas Eve, he messed with me, challenging my already lacking Mother of the year skills like I didn’t have anything better to do. Not only ensuring that he moved from day to day, but no thanks to the internet, having to keep up with the times and give him creative shenanigans to partake in. If you’ve been around long enough you will also remember many years back when Dolce, the original Big Dog, tired of this elf and his B.S., chewed him up…that was a whole other ordeal. Well, I showed Charlie the Elf that I’ve had it and it’s time he moves on to another family…this is all I could find of him this year. Good Luck and Godspeed.  

4. We had a Santa sighting on 495 last Saturday. Who knew that Santa drives a foreign, fuel-efficient compact car. No reindeer or elves were sighted in his vehicle. Look at Santa being all environmentally conscious while also taking into account the mental health needs of his overworked staff, giving them a Saturday off during this holiday season.

5. I turned on my laptop to document the work of the people and this was my screen saver. I had no part in the choosing of this and despite being an animal lover regardless of what the animal is, I found this photo unsettling. I took it as long as I could before I finally had to figure out how to switch it out because I felt as though the beedy little eyes of these creatures were burning a hole directly into my soul. Who the hell oversees these backgrounds and what did I ever do to them to deserve such a jump scare? Full moon. Must’ve been.  

6. If you’ve ever noticed when driving by Indian Lake, there seem to be an unusual number of swans floating about. When I say an unusual amount, I’m talking like 20. Hanging out, minding their own business, bullying the other birds telling them to scram, while overseeing the traffic. Unlike the turkeys of the Woo at least they have the common decency to stay the hell out of the road and want little to nothing to do with you. But I digress…we drove by and saw that more than half of them had their asses in the air and heads under water. For starters, what does Indian Lake actually contain that could be of enough interest to the swans that make them hang out there in the first place, and what’s with hanging out all day with their asses in the air? I will never understand the foul of the Woo.

7. Speaking of asses, I have it on good authority that one of our faithful Antics readers was actually bit directly in the ass this week. No, not theoretically bit in the ass, this person was actually bitten, directly in the ass. What I’m going to say about that is this…parents of school age kids, listen up. I understand this whole new world of gentle parenting and that’s great, but can you do the rest of us a favor and take it back old school and teach your children how to communicate with the words that come out of their mouths, and not their teeth? Repeat after me… let's teach America's youth...we do not bite our friends.   

8. Here’s a damn shame if I’ve ever seen one…you wait in line for an overpriced coffee that by the time you get it barely contains coffee at all, only to have the server not secure the cover. In trying to secure the cover yourself, you break a nail and then you wear the $7.39 coffee all over the front of your shirt. As Sue Miller would say, that’s what you get for spending that kind of money on coffee…get it together. #folgers4eva

9. In the event you happen to have an agency issued cell phone and let’s say, you can’t find it. Maybe it was misplaced? Maybe you left it somewhere? Maybe you ran it over. Maybe you traded it, like a common criminal for that overpriced coffee you just spilled all down the front of your shirt, who knows. Here’s what you do…you report it missing to the IT guy who disables it. Just a tid bit for you in case you find yourself in a situation such as that. Not that this has ever happened to me personally…I’m just a giver, putting you all first, and getting that kind of info in the event you ever need it. I’m here for you people. You’re welcome.

10. There are lots of perks to working with your one and only Crisis Worker. Nonstop entertainment. You can never rest. You are always afraid when her name or any unidentified number comes up on your caller ID…especially when you have no idea where she is, because really, that call could be about anything. You always make sure you have Sue Miller on speed dial. You keep an extra fifty bucks on hand in case your crisis worker finds herself in a predicament. You also keep Parenteau on speed dial for free counseling and moral support when you think you can’t manage the crisis worker for even one more day. You track her personal cell in the event she ends up trapped in someone’s basement and/or if she’s threatened to quit for the umpteenth time and you think maybe today is really the day and she’s not coming back. What’s better than all that??? This! This is like a well-deserved superhero badge people. Drink up Foley, you’ve earned it. And the question will always remain…what exactly is in that cup? You'll never know...we pride ourselves in the crisis program with confidentiality at all costs.

And last but not least…let’s re visit our opening, shall we? MK in LA, your gift still sits on my table waiting for the perfect box to package it in and dropped at the post office. Let this be no reflection on how much we love you...at least I’m consistent.

Have a great weekend!