Weekly Antics, The Land of Misfit Toys and Candy Cane Edition...12-15-23

Well kids, there are 9 days til Christmas and rather than do anything productive like wrap presents, do some write ups, or do any shopping, this is how I've chosen to use my time…here's what I've got...

1. Candy canes – that sweet peppermint treat that is at the end of every shopping aisle in America this month. Every where you look…big ones, little ones, candy cane sticks, small circular candy cane candies. Attached to Christmas gifts, hung from trees. Real ones, fake ones. Some to be eaten, some to be decorated with. They’re everywhere. I will partake in the occasional peppermint treat during its most popular time of year, and that leads me to ask…who the hell is responsible for inventing the wrapping of said candy canes? As I tried to unravel a candy cane while sitting down to write this weeks Antics, I asked the candy cane Gods why? Why, why, why is it close to impossible to take the stupid wrapper off without breaking the candy cane? If you do think you’ve gotten lucky and removed all plastic with the cane intact, 9 times out of ten you’ll end up biting in to stray pieces of plastic that were not successfully removed from the candy, ruining the entire candy cane experience. As procrastination is the theme to this entire week, we chose to research the candy can a bit further.  Exhibit 1, stupid candy cane wrapping.

2. There is some speculation about who and when the candy cane was invented. According to the vast research conducted to gain any and all knowledge available to us via google, it is popular belief that today's candy cane appeared in the U.S. around 1847 in Wooster Ohio, made by August Imgard, a German-Swedish immigrant. Another story suggests that in 1670, a choirmaster in Cologne, Germany, gave out sugar sticks to the children as a way to keep them quiet during the long nativity mass. Later, perhaps because it worked to keep the kids quiet, or this choirmaster was trying to justify giving out candy to kids in church, it’s said that he asked a local candy maker for the sugar sticks to be turned into a hook to resemble the shape of a shepherd's staff. Others say the J shape came a long to symbolize Jesus. I like the idea that this guy was passing out candy to keep kids quiet in church…where was someone like that when I was a kid? Exhibit 2, the Abonimable Snowman

3. How, where and when candy canes were invented is all well and good, but I wanted to know who exactly is responsible for devising the plan to wrap them. To wrap them up so perfect, making it near impossible to remove that plastic easily or swiftly, in one full sweep, negatively affecting our candy cane eating experience. I decided rather than blindly curse the inventor of such nonsense to once again take to the internet to get the facts. What I found was we can blame Bob McCormack of Bobs Candies. Bob’s Candies is an Albany company founded by Bob McCormack in 1919. Bobs Candies is the largest manufacturer of striped candy in the world. McCormack was the first manufacturer to wrap his candy in cellophane, or as I like to refer to it, the devils plastic. I mean no disrespect, but thanks for nothing Bob. That plastic has made candy canes my least favorite candy in the world. Exhibit 3, a rare sighting of the infamous bowling champion Mrs. Payne.

4. Where else can you find that peppermint flavored goodness if you choose to avoid the annoyance that is the candy cane wrapper? In your coffee. Drive by or stop in any coffee shop between December 1st and the end of the month, and there is peppermint everything all over the menu. Coffees, lattes, teas, broken up and sprinkled on top of your donut, you name it. There are many options to assist you in avoiding the devils plastic all together. These options will allow you to get yourself a shot of peppermint with your caffeine fix. Should any of you see Al at any coffee joint anytime after 2 pm Monday through Friday, cut him off, steal his coffee, call the police, whatever it takes. He should not be allowed to indulge in anything caffeinated any time after 2 pm, eastern central time. When he partakes, he comes home talking a mile a minute and the Kap kids can't take it. You will be doing them a service. Thank you. Exhibit 4, Dolly.

5. Procrastination or multi tasking? It’s all about perspective. So what if some of us spent the week painting and coloring and cutting and pasting? Is it really a big deal if a little bit of glitter may have been spilled on a laptop here or there? What’s a smudge of paint on your laptop keys…how often do you use the letter Q anyway? Did your glue gun melt your phone charger? Perhaps. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made to promote the greater good, and that greater good is Christmas spirit. That and all this crafting is providing us with an opportunity to put tape all over the newly renovated office and painted walls. Between Halloween and Christmas, there's been a lot of glitter and tape being thrown around 67 Millbrook Street. We may get the holidays banned all together. Exhibit 5, Yukon Cornelius.

6. While battling and breaking every candy cane I touched, I went about my multi tasking, crafting and doing the work of the people. During my crafting sessions, that have gone over and beyond regular working hours, I was able to hear the true crime documentaries the middle and youngest Kap kids have been hooked on. My take away from what I’ve heard thus far is, stay the hell out of the woods. All those true crime shows feature some poor slob who decides to become one with nature while hiking through the woods - alone. Let’s break this down. First off, the woods, forest, wilderness, what have you.... If you want to become one with nature, download the sleep / meditation app on your iphones and hit the nature section. Close your eyes and relax. Pretend or meditate, whatever, that you’re walking through some vast forest somewhere. Should you be so inclined, you can be that over achiever and even play that while you’re out and about walking through Tatnuck Square...Don Peters, you should try this... Second, Exercise. Had they just taken a nice walk around the block, perhaps listening to their meditation/ nature app during that time to simulate the forest, maybe they wouldn’t have wound up lost or abducted. Call me crazy, but I haven’t seen or heard of any true crime documentaries featuring some 50 something year old lady driving around aimlessly eating a family size bag of peanut m&m’s. Work smarter not harder people, get it together. Exhibit 6, Santa

7. Should you per usual, fail to follow the expert and sound advice offered to you from those of us at The Antics and continue this foolishness of excercise in your local woodlands, do so with Michelob, Frank and Andrea. Michelob the dog, not the beer, or take a beer with you, whatever, we don't judge... they go about their daily excersions and while doing so Frank and Michelob keep Andrea safe from all woodland creatures. Or again, if you decide to ignore us, at least wear your mittens like Joe Burns does when he's out and about. If you get lost out there you fools, you're going to want to stay warm. Don't be a dope. Exhibit 7, Hank staying warm in his Santa hat.

8. Hank the Mantle Fish is coming up on his one year anniversary in the Kap Pack. He plans to celebrate this milestone with his bestie, who is actually his reflection, but he doesn't know that, we keep that to ourselves. Spending his days swimming aimlessly around and around in his bowl, safe from choking on candy can plastic while getting lost, mittenless, while over exercising, he continues to celebrate all holidays and denominations. Of course he does, because Hank likes a good time. Today, he continues to embrace the holiday spirit, preparing for the last of the 8 crazy nights, getting his Hanukkah on. Maseltov. We should all be like Hank.

#belikehank. Exhibit 8, Hank and his holiday decor.

9. The holiday's, in addition to bringing all kinds of Christmas cheer, also brings out the phone scammers. These calls go out at an alarming rate. Unfortunately working with elders living in the community, we hear many stories of those who have fallen victim to such scams. Does this keep me employed? Of course it does, but I hate them. Give me a hoarded house full of cats any day over a report involving someone who has been scammed out of thousands and thousands of dollars, because most times, by the time we get these reports, there is very little, if anything we can do. Cats I can open a door and set them free. So, when one calls Sue Miller's house, she is well versed on how to handle such calls, and also alerts me. One day earlier in the week I again found some time on my hands that procrastination provided me. I was out and about, in between visits and found myself running ahead of schedule which is a rarity. Considering this an opportunity provided me by the universe, I text Sue Miller back and say, give me that number. I spent the next 15 minutes calling and calling and calling that number back asking the individual who answered, who was probably on the other side of the world, asking them for all kinds of personal information...their social security number, mothers maiden name, bank account information. Then, when I got bored later, I called them again. And then again. I asked the individual if they minded that I kept calling, interupting their day, asking for their personal information. As luck would have it, I kept getting the same guy. Idiot. Lose Sue Miller's number.

10. Another fun fact about the holiday season is on line holiday shopping. Although convenient, all items you could ever want to purchase at your fingertips, one must remember the actual delivery process. Yes, it is super convenient that those items you haphazardly and barely remember purchasing at all hours of the day and night will be conveniently delivered to your door step. The fun of having boxes delivered and forgetting what you actually purchased, trying to remember where you put all those items that you hastily tossed aside or hid, then finding those hidden gifts in time to get them wrapped up (or in July...) and under the tree for Christmas, is its own event. Dogs everywhere will tell you that this time is not only stressful for the homeowners, but for them as well. Dogs near and far share in the Christmas spirit howling their own songs of their people, protecting us from those pesky boxes being left on our doorsteps. Please note, all dog owners everywhere will tell you that deliveries generally run from 8am through 10 pm. This is my formal apology to all my neighbors. You will be paid for your patience in an abundance of Christmas cookies.

And last but not least...take a breath kids, it's only Christmas. It's supposed to be fun, not stressful...embrace the craziness and enjoy it!

Have a great weekend!