Your Weekly Pandemic Antics - Who's Really Controlling the Office Lights Edition...7-8-2021

Well folks, I hope you all survived 4th of July, and more importantly, you didn’t upset your dogs or your neighbors dogs, your lawns are still in- tact and you didn’t bother the Worcester Fire Department with your foolishness and shenanigans. If you did set something on fire and caused havoc in your hood, I’m here to say, I told you so and it serves you right for not listening to me. Between the fireworks and the thunderstorms, Pot Belly Pig Dog has not been impressed and has spent most of her summer so far in the closet or under the youngest Kap kids bed. Upside of that is if Pot Belly is nesting under the bed, that means there’s less room for all the things Meri likes to toss under there rather than put back in their proper places. Meri has been exposed…let the games begin - Josie 1 Meri 0. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. One of the many take-aways from the Pandemic has been I honestly don’t know how parents of toddler-ish and pre- school kids have been doing it and keeping it together. This has nothing to do with lack of school and lack of day care, this has to do with keeping these little critters clean and germ free because anyone who’s ever had a toddler knows, trying to keep them from touching anything and everything is an absolute impossible, don’t even bother trying task - it’s like herding cats in a mouse ring. I cannot imagine chasing my kids with disinfectant wipes, and hand sanitizer, and ok, who am I kidding, I’d be the parent spraying my kid down with bleach or one of Rie’s vinegar based concoctions that NASA would probably patent had she ever given up the recipe. While standing in the line at Rota Springs Ice Cream last weekend, I was behind a family with not one, but two toddlers, and had I had a bottle of tequila and a shot glass, I’d have handed it to them – to the parents not the kids, I’m not a complete criminal. The smallest of their two was touching and licking everything in sight and had I not been afraid I’d be arrested for abduction, I would’ve scooped that kid up and locked him in my car until his poor parents ordered their ice cream. All parents know…kids are gross. Please see exhibit 1...This is Brantley...no, I did not steal him, he's my friends kid - God made kids this cute so we'd over look the germ factor.

2. Who would’ve thought through all my missteps, unguided, flying by the seat of my pants parenting the cause of deprivation of the Kap kids would be instant jello, instant pudding, and instant mashed potatoes. Apparently despite all my efforts, I have, in fact, ruined my kids. Who knew that cooking them homemade food from scratch would be depriving them of a full, complete childhood and not completely preparing them to go out on their own in to the world. Please see exhibit 2. The oldest Kap kid, now living on his own, was way more excited than he should’ve been to find and purchase a box of instant mashed potatoes. I can’t even with this kid.

3. Okay, so back to #1 and why I’m thankful my kids weren’t toddlers during the Pandemic…I’m going to tell you like it is…I didn’t have to worry about them being window licking germ breeders. And if they were seen licking windows and counters, and railings and anything that would stay still long enough, maybe they were doing so because I deprived them of that jello and pudding and instant mashed potatoes you all just heard about. And for you faithful readers of the Antics (Mike Nowicki…) please note that in honor of Dan Quayle, our 44th Vice President of the United States, I checked the spelling of potato and potatoes…tomato, tomata. Exhibit 3 Brantley's sister Charlie.

4. Sometimes when I’m in my car I think I’m invisible. Fun fact. Unless your windows are tinted, and let me confirm for you right here that the Kia Mini Van does not have tinted windows, those driving around you can see the faces that you make and the hand gestures you may or may not use. Your car does not make you invisible. You’re welcome.

5. Skippy the Fish. Marshall’s sole survivor of the infamous fish tank who has been left in the care of myself, Chad and Dave. He has yet to go belly up, despite our forgetting to feed the poor bastard for one full week. He’s like a magic fish with super powers and let’s all hope that now that he’s been fed, he doesn’t buy it. If he does, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m blaming Dave. That’s right, I’ll be blaming Dave Abraham. He’ll be known as the fish killer til the end of time. Why you ask? Why not.

6. Any day or night in the local ER is no fun, but doing so over a holiday weekend is a whole other level of crazy. I mean, why go to watch fireworks, go to the family clam bake or barbeque with friends, when you can spend quality time at the ER at Memorial Hospital? When I tell you it was like the Star Wars Cantina in there last weekend, I am not exaggerating. Some of the conversations I heard and actions I witnessed I would’ve sworn there was a hidden camera filming for reality t.v..

7. Here's an email I know you all wish you were lucky enough to receive at your jobs...there is a large surplus of hot dog home delivered meals from today, please help yourselves...once again, only at Elder Services - admit it, you're all jealous. I know Taylor and her staff at the Vernon Pool are wishing they got emails like these.

8. Are you all enjoying being back in the office, even if for only a day or two a week? Let’s talk about the new energy efficient lights that have been installed. I don’t know what’s going on in Suite 100, because let’s face it, that’s a long walk, and it’s probably safer if Parenteau knows where I am at all times - we have fancy new lights on our side of the office. An added bonus, if I stay on my side of the office, I have unlimited access to the Legend Jim Burns and am able to harass him as I see fit.

9. Okay, so back to the lights…at first these new energy efficient lights annoyed the hell out of me. Without a lot of people moving around, the one above my desk would turn off while I was sitting there doing the work of the people. Would I panic that maybe I was so engrossed in my work that the day got away from me, it was 5pm and our fearless leader was locking up and accidentally locked me inside for the night? How well do you all know me…of course not. Lights out above my desk means I’m falling asleep, let’s be real people. However, I’ve learned to embrace these new fancy Star Trek type lights. Now when I’m walking down the hallways and each light above my head goes on as I walk beneath, I imagine I’m walking the red carpet, or if I’m having a bad day, that I’ve wandered on to an airport runway and am about to meet my untimely demise. Sometimes I'm even humming the theme song from Star Wars while pretending to be carrying my light saber. There have also been rumblings that one of our fearless leaders in the PS Unit pretends like she’s operating the lights with a magic wand…just saying.

10. Big news people…I have a new cubemate. Please welcome, one and all, Joe Burns. Now Joe is not to be confused with The Legend, Jim Burns or with The Legend Leah Hazard Robinson who has retired from retiring from retirement yet again…just because he is now occupying her former desk. Pease feel free to come by to say hello and/or express your condolences that he now shares his workspace with me. Anyone else find it suspect that the powers that be would move him in and he’d start work the week I was off? You scare a few employees away one time and no one can get over it. He’s been warned that I swear all day, if he always takes my side no questions asked, he’ll be supplied with an endless supply of baked goods, and that he’s gotta go with the flow when I’m temporarily losing my mind in the office or pretending that I too have a magic wand that control the stupid energy saving lights. I have kids artwork on my cube walls older than him. Consider it boot camp for PS kid, we will steal you from the Nutrition Department eventually.

11. And last but not least….Parents, don't be too hard on yourselves. As long as your kids aren't living in your basement stealing your neighbors electricity...you did okay.

Have a great weekend!