Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Update - Week after 4th of July Edition...

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Update - week after 4th of July Edition….

Well kids, I hope you all had a good 4th, heeded my marshmallow advice and all your eyebrows remain in- tact…here’s what I got….

1. Poison Ivy, poison sumac, whatever it is...it’s no joke. There is a very real possibility that I may never step foot in my yard again. Benadryl and beer, apple cider vinegar, prednisone, cortisone creams and baking soda, banana peels, watermelon rinds and special organic soaps in the mail from my buddy in Long Island, rubbing alcohol, witch hazel and some type of prescription scrub stuff, are my new best friends. I’ll tell you how I’m getting rid of this crap…my skin is going to completely disintegrate or I’m going to spontaneously combust from all of this stuff I have slathered on myself… and yes, I chased the Benadryl down with the beer…I’m not a complete animal.

2. I’m at war …in search of concoctions to battle and kill this unrelenting poisonous menace in my yard, I’m going with Goats - I’m not talking about the athlete who shall not be named, I’m talking real Goats. Goats eat that stuff all day long like it’s a delicacy at some posh restaurant that serves something to you with a fancy name, appears under cooked and resembles something you’d catch right outta Coes Pond. You know I’m doing it…meet Nugget, exhibit #1. (Anyone breathes a word of this to ACO Pat Cherry, me and my poison ivy rash are coming for you…)

3. The beach... well kids there were several attempts at direct violations committed against me while I went to the beach last week. Despite arriving far earlier than a “sun burner” has any business being on the shore line, and setting every item of clothing, towels, chairs, to claim my perimeter, beach goers still attempted to sit right up on top of us. I know I’m a lot of fun but BACK. IT. UP. When such violations were in progress I would cough and hack until the violators scurried away. Problem solved. I suggest you all do the same this summer.

4. I hit an all-time boredom low last weekend. I color coordinated all of the T-shirt’s in my drawers. I then took it one step further and reorganized them according to logo’s...softball t’s, college t’s, t’s with business names, t’s with city/town names, t’s with beach names, t’s with stains and rips I just can’t part with, special occasion t’s, oldest to newest t’s, “dress up” t’s (yes I have those...) you get the idea. I love t shirts. If you’re feeling like you have no control over anything going on these days...organize and color coordinate your drawers…you’ll feel fabulous…(right Phil?)

5. Pot belly pig/dog update - she went to the vet last week for her wellness check/intro to the new vet...she weighed in at 63.5 lbs. She’s supposed to weigh 50. We went directly to the Dunkins drive thru for munchkins after her appointment – the vet hurt her feelings, she’s very sensitive. Please see exhibit #2.

6. Let me familiarize you with the pot plant law peeps…6, SIX plants per person can be grown in your residence, per person, NOT 60. Don’t come crying to me because you’re

getting evicted from elder housing because you can’t count. GET IT TOGETHER.

7. I learned that I must think wisely before mentioning in our weekly antics all of the ways our laptops can be destroyed while working remotely from home/out of state/on vacation/from our cars/the pool, wherever…because when you crash your lap top and then need IT’s help that may require a trip to the office, they may not necessarily believe that it “just stopped working”… they will check for sand, water, gravel, whatever…

8. This is not the time to burn bridges kids…with your friends, with your co-workers, with your acquaintances….or specifically to set fire to any bridge you may possibly need to seek shelter under due to issues mentioned in #6. Get your act together. I only take in dogs, not people.

9. It’s hot. It’s humid. It’s almost mid- July ( I think….), I’m covered in some type of poisonous plant disease and am grumpy, and sweaty and hair frizz is uncontrollable. So NO…I am not interested in bringing you a Dunkins Iced coffee, with a double expresso shot, easy on the cream, extra sugar, go little on the ice, to your encampment located behind the power lines up off of Providence Street. I don’t care if you have an area shaded by a tarp and “Natty Lites” to offer me. IT’S. NOT. HAPPENING. We’re in a pandemic and I have no interested in a.) over-exerting myself due to issues noted above, and b.) I’m pretty sure the Worcester news station, or any news station for that matter, isn’t going to give a rats a** if I go missing. If you are unhappy with this, please contact the main office, x 251 and ask for Boss Lady, as her name plate indicates on her desk…it ain’t me.

10. College update…these kids are still in my house. Meri’s newly almost done shed may now be claimed by the older sister. The middle kid will be stealing electricity from my house by running unauthorized electrical chords through my bedroom window out to the shed should she have to remain on Asbury Road for her first semester of college. She doesn’t eat much, she’ll be fine out there. We’ll call it “College Glamping in the Woo…” If this takes place, we can start a pool to see how long she lasts….

And for your bonus this week…

11. Be kind peeps, the world’s gone a bit crazy so let’s not turn on each other. Be good and decent human beings even when everyone else seems to suck. But listen, I’m no fool. If anyone wrongs you, please let me know and I’ll make sure to put them on my running list of “Those that Suck” and they will be rewarded for their suckiness at a later unidentified date and time when they least expect it. Do as I say in #2 or you shall end up on the list.