Your Weekly Pandemic Antics - The Simple Solution to Last Weeks Bird Problem Edition...(5-20-2021)

Well kids, I came up with a solution to my elders bird problem…I know, I know, I’m amazing. Shocking how mysterious nature is. You remove it’s food source, ie: the bird feeder, and all of a sudden all the birds that your client thinks have been harassing him, disappear and I am a hero. Hey, it made him happy so I’m taking the win. And talking about nature and just for the hell of it, see exhibit 1...Sam, Andrew, Hollander and Alec in the Colorado Rockies. Sue Miller is not happy that her buddy Alec is always stuck in the back of these photo's and they've been told they better get it together and move that kid to the front...Here's what I've got...

1. I took Marshall to a medical appointment last week. The Doctor was asking him all kinds of questions that they already had the answers to, I’m assuming to assess if Marshall knew what was going on. He finally looks at the guy and says, “Doctor, aren’t you a member of my medical team who will be performing this procedure?” In which this poor bastard replied “Yes”. Marshall, “ Shouldn’t you already know all the answers to these questions?” He had a valid point. Let this be a lesson to you. Just because someone’s old and anxious doesn’t mean they’re stupid. I bet they don’t teach that in medical school. See exhibit 1, Marshall telling Sue Miller and Pot Belly all about it.

2. Last week was Medical appointment week, and next up was Meredith. While waiting forever in the exam room we notice this sign. Please see exhibit 2. You let the middle kid roll off the exam table one time, and you better believe her siblings will remind her of my negligence every chance they get. #motheroftheyearevenwaybackthen

3. Despite my negligent parenting over the years, I do still try to do fun things with my kids, when you know, they’re not leaving me and traveling across the country. Saturday we went to the new Polar Park to see the Woo Sox. Going into the park I wanted to make sure that the youngest kid and her friend Lena had some cash. Now Lena came prepared with her own cash and had her string tie bag for her goods. Meri of course did not and was at a loss as to what to do with her hard- earned cash. So, I told her she was going to have to go old school and fold that twenty up and put it in her socks just like we used to back in 1981. Lena and Meri went about their business exploring the park. Later in the game they came back to check in and Meri asks me for another twenty. I ask her what happened to the last twenty…she tells me, “Mom, I can’t pay for my stuff with a sweaty twenty.” I foolishly handed her another one, because you know, I work at Elder Services, so I’m made of money. See exhibit 3... while we were at Polar Park, Sam and his friends were at the Colorado Rockies game.

4. So the youngest Kap kid and Lena wander off to explore the park. Meri buys herself a t-shirt, a water, and next, went in for a pretzel. The pretzel was $5 and she paid with a ten. She comes back. She tells me that the woman selling the pretzel could only give her the $5 in change in quarters. Meri tells me she told the woman to “keep the change” because, “How was I going to walk around with 5 dollars worth of quarters in my socks?” O-M-G

5. Again - let's stay focused on my negligence. You spend over an hour "lecturing" and advocating for someone who's on oxygen why they need to get to the bottom of things. Why they should use it. How to be safe using it at home so they don't trip and fall over it. Why it's important that their portable O2 tank is working efficiently, and more importantly, that the recipient of the oxygen is using it correctly to reap its benefits. Well I'm here to tell you that just when you feel like you may have made a little progress, all that talk goes out the window as soon as you say your goodbyes, get up to head home, then trip over all that O2 tubing at that persons feet. That same tubing you just told this individual that they could most certainly manage safely at home. And let me add, this story would not be complete if while during this trip and almost fall you of course ripped the tubing right off of that individuals face. I'm not naming any names here, but I think it's safe to say you can all read between the lines and imagine exactly what happened and who was involved.

6. In the wild world we call Elder Services, as you know, it doesn’t matter what time of day it is, or what day of the week, we always find ourselves doing the work of the people. Last week was not the first time I received a call or a text about an elder going through a Dunkin Donuts drive thru or a car wash, on a scooter. However, this was the first time that I received said texts back to back from the middle kid as well as one of our fearless leaders at ESW who were both in the same line, asking if this person was my client. Well of course he was. And yes, said Leader bought him his lunch.

7.It's always a plus when after a public speaking event you remain gainfully employed. I'd like you all to know that I didn’t swear once, and only referenced rounding people up in my mini van one time. I decided to follow the example laid before me by one of Meredith's teammates. Like Claire who tells her Mom she’s not nervous about pitching because, "why should I be, I'm not a pitcher..." I decided not to be nervous about speaking at this event because I am not a public speaker. Listen to your local 13 year olds people, they know stuff. Thank you Claire M. for helping to settle my nerves. Please see exhibit 4, Claire our catcher, when she's not on the mound.

8. Picking up and adopting people and four legged creatures alike. Meet all 1.5 lbs of fur, whiskers and attitude, Auggie. She is the latest to upset the balance in our little spot in the hood. Why you ask? Why not. Please see exhibit 5, and Margolis, please inform your Auggie that we have informed this Auggie your Auggie came first.

9. With the newest edition, we have had a week

of readjustments, re establishing the pecking order, and Auggie's fur siblings letting her know how things go around here. I’m thinking some of that has gone like this…Al buys the food. Lisa organizes and puts the food away. Those kids feed us the food. The End.

10. When establishing and/or reconfiguring the pecking order of the pack, the weakest link must be determined to restore order. Looking at exhibit 5, one would think Auggie is the weakest link. However, despite being the one to supply the food, we have determined that Al is in fact the weakest link. Stay tuned.

11. And last but not least, I'm happy to report that so far I have not had to call upon my crew for a road trip to hunt down the oldest Kap kid for not keeping in touch. So far their travels have taken them to New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Kansas, Missouri, Colorado and as I write this, they have been to the Sand Dunes in Texas and also ran across this little gem you will see in exhibit 6 on your left. It initially scared the hell out of me, but honestly at his age I probably would've driven straight at it trying to get as close as I could, so I'm grateful they're all smarter than I was and kept it moving. In addition to Sue Miller not being happy about where Alec is in all their photo's, she's also not pleased that Andrew St. Peter appears to be standing somewhere dangerous in almost every picture taken - and he better "smarten up before he hurts himself." We've got Hollanders Grandfather on Tornado watch and apparently Grammy is in charge of making sure all participants on this trip are featured equally and safely in all photo's. A Grandparent's job is never done...Happy Birthday while on the road Sammy!

Have a great weekend!