Your Weekly Pandemic Antics the Last Week of July Edition...(7-30-20)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics last week in July Edition…

Well kids, we’ve almost made it through July. Unscathed? Perhaps not…but no worse for the wear…here we go…

1. Fake pocket-less pants. Ok, so I’m sure you can all gather that I’ve got some hang ups…well this is one of them. If you’re not going to put pockets in pants, don’t put pretend pockets, or some design to make it look like you have pockets, on pants - it’s just stupid and makes no sense. Like the stupidest thing ever. If you’re making pants with no pockets, do just that…don’t put “faux” pockets on those pants. If I buy them by accident and they don’t have fully functional pockets, they’re getting sent back to you, and getting sent with hate mail, I don’t care if you’re a big company and no one will read it… makes me feel better that I’m letting someone know this is the stupidest fashion-thing EVER. We’ve got enough to deal with these days…don’t take the joy away and put fake pockets where real pockets should be. I’ve got a lot of crap to carry around.

2. Pocketbooks, handbags, messenger bags, whatever…I’m lucky I can remember myself and my keys, so this is not an option. I’m one step ahead of you folks, but thanks for thinking you had a solution to my pocket-less pants problem.

3. Old ladies…Sue Miller hasn’t been bowling since March…well God help us all. Her and her peeps have just about had it. To make matters worse, they’ve closed down the Colonial Bowling place on Mill Street, so now if/when the bowling leagues get back up and running, Sue Miller and her posse will have to leave her comfort zone of the 02, the 03 and the Park Ave area and head out to Spencer. You have been warned…Please see exhibit # 1.

4. Speaking of Park Ave…my Mother doesn’t go anywhere unless she starts at Park Ave. Going to Hampton? Start at Park Ave. Going to Paxton? Start at Park Ave. Going to Grafton? Start at Park Ave.. Now don’t misunderstand me. Sue Miller’s a creature of habit and generally sticks to the 02, the 03 and the 05 (only on Sundays when she goes to Quinns…), again, starting from Park Ave.. Anywhere else she chooses to go, she’ll have someone else drive and b#$% h and complain the entire time that you’re going the wrong way because you didn’t start from PARK AVE..

5. Sue Miller has taken up and has been challenging her Grandkids to Corn Hole. I fear now that she knows she likes it, and isn’t half bad, she’ll gather her old lady bowling league posse and converge upon my driveway, covered in their masks and pocket-less pants. This has opened my eyes to a whole new gamut of material right at my finger- tips…please see exhibit #2.

6. Despite the heat and the humidity I’ve stationed my working self out on the deck, with my oscillating fan amongst those rotten chipmunks, squirrels and low flying hateful Blue Jays. I’m doing my best to stick it to National Grid. As long as I pay my bill, THEY’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

7. I’m sorry I’ve been indisposed most of the week…I’ve been trying to return all of the office furniture I’ve been stealing since March…I needed a nice seating area for my displaced people who are now living in the tent in my yard.

8. Potbelly pig-dog update. She’s channeled her inner lab self and has discovered water. This was all well and good until we had her out and about and she attempted to save some unsuspecting kayakers who didn’t need saving. The other three dogs have declared themselves city dogs and have absolutely no interest in saving anyone. Please see exhibit # 3

9. So according to the middle kid, there is such thing as 2nd had embarrassment. With that said, I’m happy to report that it wasn’t me who inflicted this embarrassment on my child. Let’s just say adults have no business making Tik Tok videos. Unless of course this is your ploy to dissuade China from trying to get bad intel on us. But I’m pretty sure if you’re a regular tik tok using adult, you don’t have much China wants to know anyway…#tiktokisforlosers

10. Softball…as I said last week softball is back...the youngest Kap kid plays on a travel team as well as little league. I’m not gonna lie, I love the travel team coach because he tells it as it is Mr. Buttermaker style…for example here are some of his better ones… “Don’t come crying to me when you’re sitting on the bench…” “ And another thing…get that bat I threw in the outfield on your way back from running laps…” “That’s right we’re having try outs next year, because you all suck…” , “ WHAT? Can you only hit the ball on SATURDAYS???” Please see exhibit #4. If you lose on Sundays, you will be expected to complete some kind of manual labor…if I’m up at o-dark-hundred to drive you to some God forsaken field and you lose right outta the gate, you bet you’ll be doing yard work when you get home.

11. And for your bonus this week kids…the fun continues at the Vernon Hill Pool. What did the patrons throw in the pool this week? A skunk. You read right…a skunk. He was retrieved, unfortunately not revived, and given a proper burial. RIP skunk.