Your Weekly Pandemic Antics the End of June Edition...(6-25-20)

Your weekly Pandemic Antics the end of June Addition…

1. Virtual Parent College orientation. Yes, we’d love to have your kids move on to campus. Yes, paying full tuition/room/board and having them take on line classes from their dorm rooms makes total sense. Although we can’t force or prohibit the students from leaving campus until they go home for Thanksgiving break, we will strongly recommend they stay put once on campus. Oh, and no visitors either, for their safety of course. No, this is not like prison. Here’s what I took from that…we would’ve been better off forgoing good parenting and raising our middle kid like a common criminal. For a simple robbery, B & E or illegal possession of a firearm charge, she’d get 5 years in the clink. That would give her free room and board, life lessons, as well as a free bachelors degree. If she played her cards right and used her time wisely, she could squeak her masters degree out in that 5th year. (Insert eye roll emoji here.)

2. To the middle kid…. “Reaghan, why not think about staying home your first semester and go to Worcester State, take virtual classes, save some money, and wait for this whole thing to blow over?” RG: “ I’d rather take my chances with the corona…”

3. It finally happened kids. Al took a digger off the skateboard and broke his toe. You know my one and only response to that was “I told you so…” I take that back, I also said, “I can tell people I broke my fingers breaking up a dog fight, you have to tell people you broke your toe falling off a skateboard... ” Don’t’ feel bad for him…he knew what he was getting in to 25 years ago and could’ve run, but didn’t. #wifeoftheyear

4. The 4th dog who was supposed to be a temporary guest, I’m convinced is really a low riding pot bellied pig. She loves her cooling mat…her name tag came in, so looks like she’s now a permanent member of the pack. See exhibit a.

5. PSA … if you’re gonna drink your Colt 45’s and then fall asleep with a butt in your mouth, you’re gonna set things on fire. The WFD will show up at your house, not because it’s a conspiracy against you, but because they do the work of the people and it’s their job. It’s common sense. Don’t be an ass, stay off the sauce.

6. Be kind to Catherine kids. She saw what cannot be unseen while delivering HDM’s this week. Poor kid’s out there in the heat and humidity, climbing the stairs of the dreaded three deckers, delivering meals with that sweet smile of hers, spreading cheer and BAM…no, not a dead body, worse. If she can’t be reached, she’s probably partaking in on line tele counseling.

7. Shed update: Al’s got two sides of Meri’s shed sided. Bug Zapper Joe next door now has his sided, painted, roofed, running electricity, ceiling fans and a generator. Meri has just filed her own adoption papers, has packed her bags, and moved in next door. She said she’s taking the dog/pot bellied pig with her.

8. As you all know, I exploit my family every week for material for my Pandemic Antics…with that said, please see exhibit b. and use as inspiration for #10.

9. Al, “When do we get our AARP cards? Me, “Next year, when we turn 50. When you get yours you can glue it to the bottom of your skateboard. You know, like the cool kids do, putting stickers all over their skateboards.”

10. If you’re hot, go ahead, run through your sprinkler. Better yet, face it, we’re not all spring chickens anymore (shut it Claire, Catherine, Phil, Vanilla…) go ahead and set yourself up with a lawn chair strategically placed directly under said sprinkler. Not only will you cool off, but you will be providing a service to the occupants of your hood who are as bored as you are – they too have all run out of things to talk about with their significant others. Just a side note, if you do decide to engage in this suggestion, remember to do so clothed or the police will be called. 5-0 has enough to do without having to deal with the likes of you and your naked self.

11. And for your bonus piece of advice this week peeps…if you plan on going in to the office in July, save Anne Marie the paperwork…make sure you’re wearing pants.