Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Somewhere in the Middle of November Edition....(11-19-20)

Well, we’re in the 3rd week of November, if you can believe it, with Thanksgiving quickly approaching. I hope you’re staying warm, or cool, depending on what day of the week we’re in and that you haven’t been over taken by your obsession with the yearly leaf collection. Here on Asbury Road, the leaf blowers have silenced, but stand at the ready should any stray leaves dare to blow back towards our corner of the hood. Leaf Blowing Joe, as always, has us covered. Here’s what I’ve got….

1. So, the youngest Kapacziewski, as an act of rebellion against her brother whom she feels deserted her when he left in August to go back to school and has yet to come home, has taken over his room. She’s gone so far as to order LED lights (from Amazon…) that came on a sticker strip, so she was able to line the top portion of the walls throughout the room. They have a remote control and a ridiculous amount of functions to change the colors, the settings, do they flash, how often they flash, the speed of the flash, or the most acceptable of the choices, no flashing at all. It’s like a horror movie in there when the person gets abducted and thrown in a basement and tortured with flashing lights that induce seizures. Well after waking up last night and seeing the room bathed in red, I put my foot down. Red is no longer allowed. It’s unhealthy and it’s unnatural. You get up in the middle of the night to let the dog out and it’s like a horror movie in there. I’m not having it.

2. Because I live with teenagers, everyone is remote learning and the sense of normalcy and routine is a bit off, both of my girls were still up when I made my public announcement to the house that no red lights were allowed, and tell the kid if I see the red light on again, I’m cancelling Christmas…see how that’ll work out for you…the Christmas season and the color red banned for all eternity. The middle kid puts her two cents in from her now single occupancy room… “Pick something else Mom…Christmas is already cancelled…stupid virus.”

3. Gramma Edie…did you miss her last week kids? I had to take a break, for self-preservation purposes. Visits are on hold for the next few weeks due to the rising COVID numbers in the community, so, we visited virtually, which is always a treat. This week she wanted to know if I could get her some Vick’s Vapor Rub, because apparently that’s a hot commodity in the Nursing Home and treated like contraband. She tells me she’s been asking for “the Vicks” for weeks, and the Nursing Home is holding out on her. I tell her I’ll get her some but ask why she needs it. “What do you mean why do I need it? I don’t go around asking all you young people why you need your pot cream…before pot cream we used Vick’s Vapor Rub. It fixes everything. Quit asking me dumb questions.”

4. Then Gramma Edie tells me about a Nurse, or a Social Worker, or the Activities person, or a Volunteer, someone in that place has been asking her all sorts of ridiculous questions…the one question that annoyed her the most, do I even need to say it? You all know which one I’m talking about… “Do you have any goals?” She tells me, “who asks an old lady what her goals are? I’m 98 for chrissake… I’ll tell you what my goals are - to get up and get to the bathroom on time. Stupid questions. If they’re so smart, they should know that without asking me. Lisa, do not ask your clients that, they’ll think you’re a dam fool.” I think we should put that in a training manual somewhere.

5. Let’s all give a shout out to Activities Director Val who had to sit through my virtual visit with Gramma Edie at which time I obtained the info for #3 and #4. Gramma Edie has no regard for what she says, when she says it, or who she says it about or in front of. Poor Val was like a human shield in a rock fight. That’s gonna cost me at Christmas.

6. Just in case you’re wondering…there’s no law saying you can’t live in your vehicle, parked in one of your driveways, of the countless properties you may own in the area. It’s just the way it is people. I don’t make the rules. I can’t save everyone.

7. Electric and Utility Workers. You try telling a retired Electric Worker that he can’t splice the electric wires from the poles on the street to provide electricity to his home. That is way above my pay grade. I’m having a hard enough time trying to convince my other guy to stop living in his car.

8. Venus…Venus is still, by far, my all- time favorite elder. She makes up things that she thinks I can fix so I’ll go and visit. And thankfully, unlike my elder mentioned in #7, she’s not stealing anyone’s electricity. This weeks chore was her drafty back door, because she’s like the Princess and the Pea…one draft feels as if the entire side of her house has been blown in, it’s been cold, and Venus weighs all of 53 lbs soaking wet. During my visit this week she gave me a “Coca Cola” and a plant that she proudly said she has been taking “excellent” care of in anticipation of my visit when she’d be able to gift it to me. I plan on keeping to myself that the plant pretty much disintegrated as soon as I walked out her door. Thankfully, my softball kids gave me the exact same plant that I have managed to keep alive and still looks pretty good, because Venus would like updates and photos of how well this plant is flourishing in my care. I’ll admit it, I’m a big liar, but it’s all for good. Please see exhibits #1 and #2.

9. Sue Miller car update. Well folks, if you felt the earth rumble below your feet, that’s because her car was, you guessed it, back in the shop, but low and behold, it’s all fixed and she got her inspection sticker…all before bowling on this fine Thursday. Thank goodness or I would’ve been taking a half day to drive her out to the bowling alley…from Park Ave.

10. Christmas. All these people and their lights, and decorations, and trees already up…you’re stressing me out. I just put Georgie and IT the clown away for crying out loud. I know we’re all messed up because of the Pandemic and can’t tell what day it is, or what week we’re in, or what month we’re in, and T.V. and the stores, and especially CVS aren’t helping our cause by putting all the Christmas stuff out right next to the not so discounted Halloween candy, but come on people, let’s get a hold of ourselves. I’m not ready to be out driving during the day seeing all those inflatable lawn decorations that look like they were shot and left for dead just because people don’t turn them on until it gets dark out. Makes. Me. Nuts. RIP Santa, Rudolph and all the other merry men who litter our local lawns until the sun goes down.

11. And for your bonus this week kids, here’s your PSI for the week…if you’re getting a new roof and your spouse/partner/whatever, has no idea that one can select what color shingles to get, don’t ask for your partners opinion if you’re just going to get whatever the hell color shingles you want anyway. That’s just going to get you in trouble.

Have a great weekend!!!