Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Second Week in October Edition...(10-8-2020)

Well people, here we are in the second week in October. I’m sure you’re tired of me telling you it’s getting chilly, the weather’s changing, when we have full moons, all that business. Well it is what it is folks. I hope you all survived the full moons and the general crabbiness of people because let’s face it, we’ve all had it. The world’s gone mad. Here’s the silver lining…now that the powers at be put a kabosh on Halloween and Trick–or-treating, stop you’re belly aching and take advantage people. All those stores didn’t get the memo early enough before ordering their Halloween candy supply. So it’s a win win for us, the consumers. Stock up on all that discounted candy and throw your kiddos a little Halloween soiree in the driveway. Buy it for your kids, your kids kids, the neighbors kids, strangers kids, yourselves, whoever...no judgement here. Then set yourself up a lawn chair in your driveways, crack open your frosty beverages and a bag of candy, and done. Problem solved, festivities for all. With all that said, here’s what I’ve got….

1. So, despite Halloween and trick or treating being cancelled, banned, moved to the underground, whatever, that doesn’t mean we can’t still decorate and mess with the neighbors and terrorize little kids and elders alike. I doubt I’ll have to worry about any trick or treaters or vandals and hoodlums attempting to steal and destroy my pumpkins. For you horror movie lovers out there please see exhibit #1.

2. So my only Halloween decoration has been positioned out on my lawn for two days and the dogs still don’t get it…I’m wondering how long it’s gonna take these jack asses to realize that Georgie is not a real person and is a paper bag filled stuffed rain coat, rain boots and jeans. Orrrr, maybe my decorating skills and my on the down low witch craft worked and he comes to life after dark. How do you and your little dogs like me now Dr. Gonzales???

3. Yeah so I’m sure you’re sick of my softball stories, well, too bad. They give me so much material to use it’s almost criminal. Direct quote from my kids old school 1980’s clearly generationally challenged coach, (and I say generationally challenged because he was born in the 80’s yet has that Coach Buttermaker-esque quality about him…) here’s the quote of the week… “I assume you’ve all played softball before tonight, so why the HELL do you all suck and what are you all standing around for?” – Coach Matt 2020.

4. Coach Matt hucks a ball out to the warning track of Rockwood field. He tells the girls to run out to where the ball is and talk about what they did wrong. “If I don’t hear you talking, you’re gonna keep running.” My kid, “Last week he told us if he caught us talking he’d make us run. This week he wants us talking…he’s gotta make up his mind”.

5. Starbucks…I’m over it. Got myself stuck in their drive thru in Millbury or Sutton, or some God forsaken place, on Sunday. 33 minutes of my life I’m not getting back. So when the jovial voice of “Fred” welcomed me to Starbucks and asked what he could get me, my response was, the last 33 minutes of my life back Fred. And an escape route for the next time I’m stupid enough to get myself caught in this line. And NO I don’t want a Venti whatever you call it. But alas, I kept this all inside my head because it’s not Fred’s fault that those who designed the drive thru suck and the fancy coffees take forever and a day to make, therefore poor Fred gets stuck with lines of disgruntled coffee goers for whatever the minimum wage is these days. I did however, write all of the above in an email to the corporate office that they need to change their ways and be more efficient. Funny, I’ve received no response from anyone. No response could be seen two different ways. Either they clearly are not staying in business due to my occasional order of a plain black coffee, or I’ve been banned. I’ll let you know how my next visit goes.

6. The “High Road”. Well the high road most often sucks. It’s not easy for me to not get the last word in or keep my mouth shut, but on occasion I have and I do, and when this occurrence takes place it’s as if I’m having an out of body experience and I barely recognize myself. Sometimes you just gotta take one for the team, for the welfare of the people and the greater good. Please note that in my head however, while I’m taking the high road and saying what’s needed to diffuse a situation, I’m fantasizing about all the hundreds of creative and under the radar ways I could, or still just may, get back at you. You have been warned.

7. And then there’s Karma. Karma is a dish best served cold or hot, or any way she pleases. Don’t mess with Karma people, she’ll find you. She’ll hunt you down and get you when you least expect it. This Karma note may be directed at the flag holding bull horn yelling individuals who’ve been hanging out at in the rotary at Newton Square this week. That’s your PSA for the day.

8. Speaking of visits…common sense goes a long way. We do the work of the people and we’ve been at this for almost 7 months now. Wear you masks. Wash your hands. Stay 6 feet away. Give everyone participating in the visits masks, if they won’t wear the masks, you bounce…simple as that. Follow the guidelines. Be safe. My interpretation…don’t be dumb. You’re smarter than that. And for crying out loud, get your dam visits done. Oh, and don’t be a wimp.

9. Remy. Remy got herself a kitten. I swear on my life I’m speaking the truth. This kittens name is Kensai, Kenny for short, true story. And the 100 lb Rem Dog is scared of 3lb Kenny and his vicious puffed up kitten self. I hear all about it through the window when Joe leaves for work, leaving Remy by herself to fend off Kenny all on her own. Remy is going to have to suck it up and deal with Kenny if Joe’s to go to work so he can continue to pay the bills, and provide the life in which Remy is accustomed. Remy now occupies the main area of the house and Kenny is living the life in the refinished basement. But Kittens are super stealth, Remy knows this, she’s a smart dog and knows kittens and cat- types can be shifty and untrustworthy. They can jump and climb and hide on poor Remy. According to Remy, it’s simple. Cat’s are unnecessary and should be banned from Asbury Road. The End. Please see exhibit #2, could be worse Rem-Dog, Jake could’ve come home with a hamster.

10. Eddie Van Halen…you non 80’s kids may not fully understand the effect his death has had on us 80’s kids. First Prince, then Neil Purt (Rush), John Warren Geils (J Geils Band), Tom Petty, David Bowie…Because I don’t have enough music blaring in this house 24/7, Van Halen’s been running on a loop – and there’s no end in sight – and I’d like to add that it’s not my kids who blare the music and electric guitar all day long, it’s Al. When the girls started to complain I had to remind them of what happened when Prince passed away and they all made fun of us (Sam included…). They got kicked out of the car, told to walk home, and when they got home they were locked out of the house. So unless they’d like to pack their bags and home school from Grammy’s because Al’s changed the locks barring their access to the homestead, they need to shut it and give their Dad his uninterrupted time of mourning. They know I speak the truth.

11. And for your bonus this week peeps, news from Vernon Hill. What happens when two legends grace the All Star tournament at the same time? All hell breaks loose. The heavens open up, gale force winds, hail, downed trees and branches, lightning strikes, probably micro bursts and F1 tornado’s, and some poor unsuspecting kid gets scooped up and thrown in my van before he gets blown away. Never a dull moment up on the hill.

Have a great long weekend!!!