Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Pringles Edition...(8-20-20)

Well People, we are well in to the month of August. I hope you’re all well, still sane, still married, and have taken some time off. If you haven’t, please keep in mind that the weather’s been great and soon winter will be upon us, so get out there and stretch your legs before you’re all trapped inside for the winter. I’ve just ordered myself a portable heater from amazon as I plan to continue to work remotely from my deck. Like the US Postal service…rain, snow, sleet, tornado’s, whatever, will not hinder my doing the work of the people deck - side. This is for the sake of my sanity and my marriage. I’m just going to replace my oscillating fan for a portable heater. If the restaurants can do it, so can I….Here we go… feel free to stop by.

1. Pringles…I was reminded during in service that when you’re 6 years old, 9am may as well be noon time. If the kid wants Pringles for breakfast, let him have them. They originated from a potato at some point. Potatoe’s are vegetables. There you have it, he started his day with a veggie, problem solved. I think even our fearless Nutrition Leaders Jim and Allen would agree that it’s a pandemic and a potato’s a potato. We won’t judge you, cut the kid some slack. #pandemicpringlesarereallyveggiesindisguise.

2. Gramma Edie…saw her this week. Despite her failing vision I heard, “Lisa, you look good…” For a brief millisecond I thought, hmmm, a compliment? Well, brace yourselves kids hell didn’t freeze over, as she left to go back inside, she said to the aide, “well, she looks like hell…” Fantastic…thanks Edie, see ya next week.

3. Who are the over achievers amongst us who want to be in the office more than once per week? Go ahead, identify yourselves…

4. Common sense…the pandemic has robbed our brains of decent, simple common sense. God help us all. You’re in a crowd, wear a mask. You’ve been out, wash your hands. If you’re on a group meeting via zoom or teams, you don’t need a mask, but for crying out loud, mute your mic. If someone falls down, be decent and help them up. You run someone over with your car, drive away, fast.

5. Buzz Zapper Joe…they’re home next door and the Rem-Dog survived. She’s spent this week in her window ratting Joe and Jen out, letting me know that her days of unlimited TV access has come to an abrupt halt as clearly Joe is team National Grid. Please exhibit #1

6. 80’s music…that’s right people, you should be jealous. As I sit here working tirelessly on the deck, I’ve been enjoying Joe’s music choices while he works on his shed. We should all be able to jam to the Beastie Boys while working from home…it’s all happening here on Asbury Road. RIP Adam Yauch. Beastie Boys Forevahhhh.

7. Softball…despite our pitcher throwing a no hitter and Meri hitting an in the park homerun, (clearly she has inherited her Mother’s super stealth athletic skills…) we still managed to lose. What can I say? It may or may not have had something to do with the horrific coaching of 3rd base I was responsible for. Don’t judge me, I’m not judging you for feeding your kid pringles for breakfast. One of the kids on my team growls at me. I’m not kidding. Good thing one of the other coaches is a defense attorney…I have no crystal ball to see in to the future, but she’s gonna need him.

8. My neighbor Bill asked me how I was doing now that I have an “Empty Nest”. Not sure what he sees, but from where I stand, no one’s left…not only are my college age kids still living here, but so are their friends. Come on Bill, keep up…we are at full capacity over here.

9. Goose. Goose is a dog and is hearing impaired. (What can I say, Al is a Top Gun fan hence the name). One would think that being a hearing impaired dog she’d be the best sleeper and not terrorize me all night barking to alert us to the chipmunks, squirrels and skunks in the yard as well as the rustling trees, and God forbid a twig snaps. Not the case. Apparently trees and leaves and rain and twigs all give off some kind of special scent as well as all the other woodland creatures that get this dog all worked up and on high alert. Goose is an ass and is on my list. She may be deaf but her nose is that of 900 hunting dogs combined chasing a pack of wolves, and I swear she can pick up the scent of any type of what she considers an invader of our yard - this skill is only heightened once the sun goes down. She can’t see our “shut the hell up” sign in the dark (universal sign language thank you very much….) because of course, she’s too busy protecting us – from nothing. She keeps it up, she’ll be sleeping outside. Please see exhibit #3

10. I followed my Mom to drop off her car in Auburn the other day as she had an appointment to get her car detailed. Why don’t I get my car detailed she asks? Because I’m pretty sure that the dirt and dog drool is what’s holding my car together. And…Sue Miller, who lives in Columbus Park, started her journey from, you guessed it… PARK – flippin - AVE. What should have been a 20-30 minute or less round trip turned in to an hour. She went up Park Ave, all the way to Ludlow Street, all the way to St. Josephs Church on the corner of Oxford Street, all the way to the light at the Auburn Mall to finally FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT’S HOLY….to take a left to get to Jax Wax on Southbridge Street in Auburn, all while going 30 mph. It was like eating glass, seriously.

11. And for your bonus this week kids, have some editions to my tshirt collection…I know you’ve all been sitting at the edge of your seats for this update…three more to hit the color coded drawers straight from Fort Bragg North Carolina. My college peeps are the best peeps…they take good care of me. The Military Equipment Store…check them out. (Exhibit #4 has nothing to do with anything, Potbelly Pig Dog just happens to be trying to shake me down for a dunkins run.)

Have a great weekend!!!