Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Patriots Day Weekend Edition...(4-15-2021)

Well folks, it’s been a week. A week of adventures and craziness all around so much so that the antics could be 7 pages long, but I’ll try to refrain. I had the pleasure of meeting not one, but several disgruntled people this week, and an even more disgruntled cat. I wasn’t 100% sure it was a cat until it hissed at me and it would’ve just as soon take my face off than let me anywhere near his person and live to tell about it. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Let me just start by saying, you never know who you’ll meet when going through your local Dunkins drive thru…sadly, this would not be the first disgruntled individual I ran in to this week while trying to spread kindness and cheer. I’m sorry to report that unlike what I originally thought, this person did not call the cops on me while I stood there speaking with this person. This my friends is a true testament to what doing the work of the people does to us…makes us a little jaded and disappointed when we realize that when 5-0 is rolling up, they’re not there to arrest us but someone else. But hey, there’s always tomorrow.

2. Got a text on Friday that there was a Sue Miller siting on West Boylston Street. Now let’s not get ahead of ourselves for those of you who have been regular readers of the antics and just assume that Sue Miller has gone out of her comfort zone and left Park Ave. She had to start at Park Ave in order to get to West Boylston Street, and was returning in the same fashion. Rather than re write what I received, I’m going to cut/paste the text I received from none other than my cousin Taylor, our former star pandemic home delivered meal driver who was my partner in crime last spring - our daily shenanigans actually inspired the creation of the Weekly Antics. Here it is…

“ I was driving home today from work and got off of 190 at the Greendale Mall and could not merge over to get to my exit because a car was going 30 in a 40 with plenty of traffic around, so with my road rage kicking in I decided to floor it and angrily stare at this poor bastard who doesn’t know how to drive only to realize it’s AUNTIE SUSAN CAUSING A TRAFFIC JAM ON WEST BOYLSTON STREET.”

I’d like to add this, first off, Taylor has done me proud and will one day inherit the writing of the Weekly Antics. Second, for those of you who will accuse me of plagiarizing, (ahem, Mike Margolis…), I got permission to reproduce this text, so mind your business. Please see exhibit 1 above, a flashback to last springs meal deliveries.

3. Starbucks. I went out with the middle kid with my coffee in hand to go get coffee. After sitting in the drive thru line for longer than anyone should sit in a drive thru line, we get to the speaker to place our order. The middle kid orders one of her fancy fruity iced teas and I say sure, I sat here long enough, I’ll treat myself to a fancy overpriced coffee. Middle kid puts in the order for our two Venti something or other cold drinks and the window orderer kid tells us they’re all out of Venti sized cups for cold drinks and would we like our Venti sized order made in two separate Grande sized cups instead? - all for the price of a Venti size. Ok, so where do I start…first, Venti is LARGE and Grande is MEDIUM, can you just say that because I was already confused to begin with…Second, I’m no rocket scientist but I’m thinking if I managed that place I’d tape a hand written note right up on that order speaker-thing saying sorry people, no Venti sized orders today due to our inability to stock our coffee establishment with adequate supplies to serve our product, excuse the inconvenience, you’ll have to order grande sizes for today. In my eyes, problem solved. But no, that would be too easy. Middle kid got her Venti sized fancy ass iced tea split between two grande cups, and I opted out of their overpriced coffee all together just out of principle. Please see exhibit 2, the middle kids response after her rant….

4. Well kids, I’m happy to report that I continue to disappoint elders one home visit at a time. I get to the address and the elder doesn’t answer the buzzer. An elderly neighbor walking outside asks me if I need help getting into the building and I gratefully say yes and she lets me in. I hand her my business card. She looks at it. She reads it. She pronounces my last name perfectly with her polish accent. She then takes a better and longer look at me and says in disgust, “you’re not polish…” I say, “no, my husband is.” She says nothing and walks away.

5. So you’d think I’d quit while I was ahead…after the nice woman lets me in to the building and forgives me for not being polish (or not), I get to the elders door. She answers and we exchange pleasantries while the neighbor is going to her own apartment. Above my elders doorway is a huge sign with her very Irish name on it. I show the elder my ID and then hand her my card. She looks at my ID, then my card, then my ID again. I compliment her on the sign that reads her name and say, “you must be irish?” She replies, “no I’m not, my husband is..." The helper lady who lives next door gives me the side eye snickering and quietly let herself in to her apartment....The ESW cards that have our first names and last initial only are starting to look better and better…..

6. If you’re a cab driver or livery driver, an Uber driver or Lift driver, or just a plain ordinary driver like the rest of us, and I find out that you’re whistling and making cat calls while driving by the middle kid while she’s out walking my dogs, be warned….I will find you. I will find you…..

7. Marshall….I’d like to introduce you all to Betsy, Tula and Nicole. These would be Marshall’s fish. Where the names come from? I don’t know, so don’t ask questions. After bringing him to his 8:30am MD appointment, time much improved from the 7:30am appt last time, we stopped at Price Chopper to pick up his chickens and rice cakes before bringing him home. You may not be able to see in this picture that there are actually 7 fish in the tank so naturally I ask him what the names are of his other fish. He tells me he only named his favorites, number one favorite being Betsy who he refers to as “the devil”. He said “she’ll probably just eat the other ones anyway so why should I name them?” Makes sense. Thanks Chad, you’ve created a monster.

8. To my ESW peeps, I had a nice visit with our buddy Brett last weekend! After dropping the youngest Kap kid off at the softball field, I stalked Brett and his Mom roadside while they were minding their own business out taking a walk. I was given explicit instructions from Meri who said for starters, please don’t bother Brett and his Mom, and second, if you don’t listen to me and decide to hunt them down, can you do it after you drop me off at practice??? Clearly she has no idea how much my buddy Brett loves me. He's circled in with my kid group and is also forced to hang out with me.

9. Update on Leaf Blowing, Snow Blowing, Bug Zapping Joe. Now that he’s earned yet another nickname, Gepetto due to his woodworking in the garage, Meri has decided to upgrade that name to “Joe-petto”. Try to keep up people.

10. Let’s end where we started…I was told by none other than our faithful friends in blue who work hard day and night to keep us safe, that a report may or may not have been filed with the police stating that I’m bootlegging depends out of the back of my jeep. This is false information people, or is it?

11. And last but not least, don’t let the disgruntled and disheartened get you down. Smile and spread some cheer. Be kind. Do something nice for someone. Do something fun and don’t worry about what other people think or say about you. As long as you own your own crazy, it’s all good.

Have a great long weekend!!!