Your Weekly Pandemic Antics One Fish Two Fish Three Fish Almost No Fish Edition... 6-3-2021

Well kids in the chaos that the full moon bestowed upon us last week including people who wanted all of their shrubs and plant life cut down, wanted to hire me to sit outside their house all night long while they slept, called to tell me they weren’t sure if they had been feeding a stray cat they took in or if Fluffy the cat was actually a rat, I failed to acknowledge what was last weeks upcoming long holiday weekend. Yes it rained and it was cold and felt more like March than almost June, but, I hope you all enjoyed your time off and kept in mind that not only is Memorial Day weekend the unofficial start to summer, but that we get that extra day off from work to remember those that died while serving our country. If you did forget to acknowledge that while you were flipping burgers in the rain, you can make up for it by thanking a veteran, paying it forward, or doing something good this week, and I don't mean handing change to one of the many panhandlers that this fine city has, but something good. Do it. You're all smart and can think of something. Don't be scrubs. Here's what I've got....

1. We get by with a little help from our friends. This is a perfect example of paying it forward and just being an all around decent human being. We help those large and small, those with four legs, with wings, occasionally those not - to - be - trusted woodland creatures, and even those with shells. Please see exhibit 1. This would be Andrea Lucy Allen and her dog Michelob out for their daily walk when running across a creature in need. Most would‘ve just kept on walking and thought hmm, sucks to be that turtle, but not Andrea and Michelob. Nobody should be stuck on the railroad tracks without a helping hand.

2. Friggin squirrels. Why why why are people making them more comfortable? Those shifty little bastards and their chipmunk friends harass and torture Harley and The Pig from dusk til dawn. You will never see one of those popsicle stick picnic table get ups made for squirrels in my yard or on my deck. If you do, that is a sure sign I've finally lost it and you can send me up to Umass Psych where with my luck the craft of the week will be popsicle picnic table making. You know it will - that's just how it goes. Sons - a - bitches, go sit somewhere else to eat your nuts and berries. Exhibit 2

3. Creatures large and small alike, let’s talk about Marshall and his fish. One fish, two fish, three fish, now no fish. Okay, except for one. One fish. Skippy the fish is the lone survivor of the infamous fish tank and I’ve been threatened within an inch of my life to keep that little bugger alive. RIP Betsy, who unfortunately swam over the rainbow bridge via the porcelain highway leaving Skippy in charge of their watery domain. Please see exhibit 3.

4. It’s come to may attention that some newer readers of the antics are having trouble keeping up with who’s who and what’s what. So let’s summarize…Lisa Kelley, pay attention…

- Al – Al’s Al. He thinks he’s head of household but as we’ve all determined in past weekly antics, we let him think so, but we all know who’s really in charge - he was recently identified as the weakest link.

- Sue Miller. Sue Miller is my Mom. You’d be wise to know at all times that it would be in your best interest to do as she says and don’t ask questions.

- Meri. Meri is currently my favorite Kap kid, she’s 13, likes to torture Coach Matt and according to her, is the unfortunate recipient of on going Dad jokes.

- Mary Parenteau. Parenteau Keeps me employed and is the knower of all things ESW. Actually, she’s the knower of all things period. Just ask Billy.

- Jim Burns. Jim Burns is a legend – that speaks for itself.

- Pot Belly, The Pig, Pot Belly Pig Dog. Pot Belly is Josie the Chocolate Lab. Josie is lovingly called The Pig because she sounds like a pot belly pig to those unsuspecting walkers - by on our corner of the hood. They can’t see Josie, they can only hear her, and she snorts like a pig. Pretty self explanatory. She can also predict the weather and would give Kevin Lemanowitz from Fox weather a run for his money. I guarantee you she knows when a thunder storm is coming long before he does and plans for said storms days in advance preparing the floor of my closet as her nesting spot where she will be long before that first boom of thunder rolls out. I’d show you a picture of my closet, but Phil would have a heart attack.

- Marshall. Marshalls my buddy who can tell you anything you’d ever want to know sports related, keeps us informed on the weather, current events, and knows more about everything and anything you may or may not need to know, than anyone else I've ever met. He keeps all in line and will have no problem ratting you out to Sue Miller if you can’t get your act together.

- Joe. Joe's my other side of the driveway neighbor and Brother from another Mother. He is also known as Leaf Blower Joe, Lawn Mower Joe, Snowblower Joe, Bug Zapper Joe, and most recently, Joe-petto now that he's widdling wood in the garage. On occasions when I'm bored, I get a hold of his universal remote, program it to my remote and mess with his tv from my kitchen. When he's away and I'm in charge of the Rem-Dog, I keep every light in his house on and the AC jacked on frozen tundra because I'm tired of National Grid harassing me with those stupid energy reports saying he's more energy efficient than I am. It's the little things that make me happy people.

So now that we're all caught up....

5. Big news people...Spaghetti Squash has gone up 50 cents a pound at Wegmans. The horror.

6. Note to self...when you run out of decaf coffee and you've been going half decaf half regular for over a year while making your coffee at home, don't just wing it and go full on caffeine cold turkey. It will be in your best interest to take that quick trip to Big Y and replenish your decaf stock. However, my house is currently spotless.

7. Dad joke update...Al treated himself to new socks. He tells us he's throwing away all the ones with holes in them. He says to Meri, " Should I call them Jesus socks because they're holy?" Meri..." I can’t even look at him..."

8. Sunday mornings after the Wegmans run...Al likes to further torture the youngest Kap kid by playing his electric guitar to Taylor Swift. She has informed me that he's ruining T-Swizzles music for her. " and proceeded to beg me to “Make - Him - Stop!!! "

9. Due to the rain and inability to coordinate schedules, no softball over Memorial day weekend. That's okay though, the work doesn't come to an abrupt halt just because Mother Nature and schedules don't cooperate. Meri got to hang out with one of her top 5 favorite people this past week. " When you're in a funk, take two and go right..." Bobby Neville, May 2021. See exhibit 4 Mr. Neville helping Meri get it together.

10. Here’s a tip for you...just because you spend an entire Sunday moving a basket of clean laundry from room to room with you, doesn’t get it folded any faster. You just look like a jackass moving a basket of laundry from room to room. Do yourself a favor, quit holding the towels hostage and friggin FOLD THEM!

And last but not least.....

The Pig and I started our dog training classes this week and in true pig fashion she made me look like a big liar. She was the best behaved of all of her classmates, and couldn’t have been bothered with any of the other dogs in the room. This shouldn’t surprise anyone because she’s been trying to make me look bad and portray me as a poor reporter and unreliable source of information since the day she moved in to the Kap Pack. We’ll keep you posted.

Have a great weekend!