Your Weekly Pandemic Antics - It's Mother's Day Weekend Edition...(5-6-2021)

Well kids, we’re heading into Mother’s Day weekend. I tell you this because I feel that it is my responsibility to keep those of you who can’t figure out what the hell month it is, never mind what special day it is, in check – you know who you are. So whether you’re still lucky enough to have your own Mother, have someone who’s like a Mother to you, a Step Mother, Grandmother, the neighborhood Mother, the work Mother, are a Mother yourself, you have a sister who’s a Mother, an Aunt who’s a Mother, a cousin, a friend, a neighbor, a girlfriend who’s a Mother, you best get yourselves together and acknowledge them. This is my public service announcement for the week. Don’t screw it up…here’s what I’ve got…

1. Okay, so it’s Mother’s day weekend...

Like all important days that involve sentiments and gifts, I am going to remind you of this. When the Mother figure in your life responds to your question of what they would like for Mother’s day and that wonderful woman says she wants nothing, do not believe her. What she’s really saying is that you should know her well enough to know what she wants. This should not be confused with what she may need. She can get what she needs any day of the year so for crying out loud, get her something that she wants that she may not splurge on for herself. Please let me remind you…if you give her nothing, you will be dead where you stand because we Mothers have super powers. Trust me on this one.

2. If you’re a husband or an ex-husband, and you think that you do not have to supply your wife or ex-wife, the Mother of your children, with a gift or some type of Mothers day acknowledgement because that person is not your Mother, you are mistaken. She birthed your children, giving you the best gift or gifts of your life so you better never forget it. If those words ever leave your mouth, I will not be able to save you. So get your act together. You have been warned.

3. If you’re a Mother yourself and expect this one Sunday a year for the skies to miraculously open up, for rays of sun shine to fall down upon you and a band of angels to hum and sing, you are delusional. If this is your very first Mother’s day, let me just stop you right there and help you avoid the world of hurt that will be yours should you think this will happen. Hate to tell you sister, in most cases, even if you are Michelle Obama, it is still just the second Sunday of May. You’re lucky enough to be someone’s Mother…you do not get a day off. Let’s face it, would you really know what to do with yourselves anyway? Sorry ladies, you may as well just get used to it.

4. Do yourselves a favor…if you ask the Mother in your life what she’d like for Mother’s Day and you don’t get what ever it is that she wants unless of course it’s something that’s not within reason, (like a round trip to Mars...) and you go ahead and get her something that you think she needs, you are setting yourself up to fail, and again, I will not be available to save you. All I have to say about that is, smarten up – don’t be a dope.

5. Kids on the other hand….our children can give us whatever it is that they want and it will be okay. Your son is 22 years old and draws you a picture? That’s perfect. Your Daughter writes you a note on a paper towel that she attaches to a popsicle stick…that will bring a tear to her eye. Your youngest kid presents you with a plant she picked up that morning on her way home from practice, how thoughtful, she's the best kid ever. If you, as the significant other do either - it’s not gonna fly. Why you ask? Because only our kids can get away with those things on Mother’s day because we are reminded of such things we received from them when they were little and small and adorable and everything they did was brilliant and the cutest thing ever. We will be reminded of those days. If as our husbands or significant others even think of trying this, you will be charged at with a fork. This is a fact people. Believe me.

6. For the love of God, do not buy her a vacuum. This should be self-explanatory. If you need a more thorough explanation on this one, just stop reading right here. There is no hope for you…nice knowing you.

7. If you ask what she’d like to do in- regards to a special meal on Mother’s Day, before you think any further, you may as well just back it up and refer to #4. If you ask and she tells you what she’d like to eat for her special meal, and you provide something different, don’t act surprised and hurt and shocked when she’s annoyed. Because let’s face it, if you find yourself doing this as stated in #6 that means you also screwed up #4, so now she’s just good and pissed. And think about it, can you blame her? Whatever you do, do not leave dinner clean up to her. If you do, we may never be able to find your body and that's just a lot of work for everyone.

8. Do not assist your children or step children in bringing home anything fury and on four legs, that requires a tank full of water or a cage or anything with wings. Think it through before you bring home a gift that will be one more living thing that she will be responsible to keep alive. I don’t care what her children said when you were stupid enough to make this purchase, they will forget it exists by the day after Mothers day. This will become one more daunting task that you are now responsible for inflicting upon her, of hounding your children who have already forgotten the poor little bugger exists, to feed, to water, to brush, to let out or to train. Mark my words, you will be blamed. She will remind you of this lack of judgement every single day until that creature meets its untimely demise. Then it’ll be your fault that it’s missing, sick, or dead because no one had time to take care of it. Again, you have been warned. Come on…you’re smarter

than that.

9. If she tells you that she’d like something that fits the description as stated in #8, just do it, it’s her day. Again, refer back to #4, this is what she’s asked for. She will take care of it without being asked because she’s asked you for this gift - she has not had it thrown upon her. She will take care of it as she’s taken care of you and all of your children without you having to tell her to do so. Again, this should be self - explanatory. Let’s think this one through. Are you right this instant, as you read this, wearing clean clothes? Is your belly full? Was there toothpaste when you went to brush your teeth this morning? That’s what I thought.

10. As a Mother, if you are so blessed to find yourself at some type of sporting event that one of your children play, do not complain. If you are running between fields and events, and recitals, do not curse the scheduling gods and ask how you can be in 2 or 3 or 7 places at once. Breathe. You will get there just like you get there every other day of the week. If you are annoyed and think for even one second that this one celebratory day of the year that is gifted to us Mothers is being wasted because you have to attend your child or childrens event, keep your mouth shut and think long and hard before thinking that, and I pray to God you don’t say those words out loud - your day is coming when you will no longer have those games or recitals or events to attend and you will miss them, trust me. Some Mothers around you may have lost their child or their own Mom who they will not be able to share this day or any other day with. You are far luckier than most – there are many out there who would give anything to have one more day with the ones they may have lost. Hang on tight folks, we never know what’s going to be handed to us day to day.

11. And last but not least…all you Father’s and husbands and significant others out there, remember this….Mother’s day comes before Father’s Day. I’m thinking this may have been done on purpose, just to see how well you do so they will know how to best proceed with Father’s Day. Because let’s face it, if you screw up, you will suffer. Mom’s are the best, we know everything, always have tricks up our sleeves and can go way back in to the vault that is our brain should we need material to use against you…there is always a method to our madness.

Happy Mother's Day Sue Miller!!!

Have a great weekend!