Your Weekly Pandemic Antics It's Hotter than Hell Edition...6-10-2021...

Well kids, I hope you’re surviving the heat. It's technically the first heat wave of the season, and it's friggin hot. As a hearty New Englander, I have earned the right to bitch about the weather, so I shall. And quite honestly, if we weren’t complaining about the weather, what else would we do? That and I think the excessive heat is a good reminder why I should strive to be a better person. If it’s hotter than this in hell, I definitely don’t want to go there. So here’s what I’ve got…

1. As I just said, it’s been hot. In the winter, Al monitors the thermostat, doesn't like the heat turned up because it gets too hot...now that it's 90 something flippin degrees out he doesn’t like the AC up too high because it gets too cold. Make up your dam mind. AND, do yourself a favor and don’t touch the dial on the AC or you will wind up missing and on the side of a milk carton.

2. Sam started his job this week and came home last weekend because according to Meri I’m the preferred caregiver, and I’d like to think he missed me. Meri says to him, so what will you be doing at this job? Sam says, accounting. She says, “You went to college so you can do math all day? What a nerd.” Exhibit 1 - Sam & Reaghan out for breakfast while the youngest Kap kid was stuck in school.

3. One of the softball Mom’s lost her phone up at Vernon Hill. Don't mess with a Mom and her missing phone. All the Mom's will ban together, track it down like the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, and then you better hope who picked it up, was doing so with the good intention of getting it back to its owner. If ill intentioned, we will find out, find it, and then find you. Be warned...we are coming for you....

4. Helen. HB found herself in a quandary the past few weeks in regards to her closet and the pole within it that was most likely original to the house. After many years and most likely hundreds of pounds of carefully color coordinated clothes arranged by season, the pole snapped leaving all of Helen's meticulously hung clothes lying on the closet floor. Helen likes efficiency and order. She likes things a certain way. Her closet being left in a state of chaos and disarray does not work for Helen Bibeau. Her clothes lying on the floor still attached to their hangers is maddening to Helen and may quite honestly be the breaking point that sends her right over the edge. So off she went to Home Depot in search of the wooden rod that would replace the broken rod that I am certain has been in that closet for 80 something years. New wooden rod was cut and purchased from Home Depot and brought home and put in the original rods place. All clothes hung back up with care, closet a picture of perfection. Just hours later the new rod unceremoniously snaps, and HB is right back where she started, clothes all over the closet floor. Good luck and God speed to the wood cutter guy at Home Depot who promised her that the replacement rod she was purchasing and having custom cut would last forever. Listen up buddy in wood cutting aisle number 6, forever lasted a week. She's heading your way. Take Saturday off. Exhibit 2, the freshly snapped replacement rod - they don't make them like they used to.

5. It’s 12:45am on a Friday night and I get up and realize I didn’t prepare my coffee for the morning. I look in the freezer and all I have are coffee beans, which of course need to be ground before putting them in the coffee filter. I could stop right here, because as faithful readers, you should all know that I have caffeine flowing through my veins, so you know I did it. I ground up those coffee beans at 12:45am to get my coffee together for the morning. No, I’m not selfish by taking the chance of waking up my entire household while grinding up those beans to ensure I’d have my dose of caffeine in the am. Being the preferred caregiver that I am, I’m just looking out for them - sometimes we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good. No one likes me decaffeinated.

6. Ken – has anyone met Ken, the guy who’s worked at Patient information at Memorial Hospital for like a million years? I’ve decided that Ken doesn’t go home, I’m not sure if he sleeps or eats, he’s a constant presence there at the hospital and I’m pretty sure he may be some kind of undercover operative who secretly runs that entire hospital. Be respectful people. Don’t mess with Ken.

7. While at the hospital I see this fellow cleaning the windows and glass cases on the walls. I said, “hey, how are ya? “and kept it moving. He looked up, says hello back and must’ve read my mind because he simply says,, “Don’t do it…” How did he know I was dying to run my hands along the freshly cleaned glass? Magic. That’s how. He must be part of Ken’s team.

Exhibit 3, the cousins at the Woo Sox game

8. Been spending a lot of time running around to the hospitals these days and I’m not gonna lie to you, I hate the parking garages 1. Because I’m lazy, 2. It’s too dam hot to trek my sorry self up and down and all around when parking, and 3. I tend to get lost in the garages. This is why I take full advantage of the valet parking. You all know I tend to get bored easy, and when I do, that’s when I get in trouble, or do my best work - it all depends how you look at it. So when the nice valet parking kid comes up to meet me as I pull up in the battle wagon/Kia minivan, hands me a ticket and tells me to have a nice visit, I simply respond, "take good care of her. If you wanna take her for a spin, I won’t tell anyone, just be careful of the body rolling around in the back….” And that my friends, is how I keep myself entertained. Exhibit 4 - Meri and Reaghan facetiming Marshall.

9. Big John and Pool PT. Solving the worlds problems two days a week while floating like a bouyant manatee in the PT pool. I’m not gonna lie to you - we get a lot accomplished - making up new names for some of our favorite Worcester PT staff (Jake a.k.a. Zack,), John’s now fluent in spanish no thanks to a texting faux pas and the Woo Sox gear, and we get to watch Chad fight with a not to be named insurance agency and other health care social workers because I’m not allowed near my phone while in the pool. Over all, we get a lot accomplished in that one hour twice a week.

10. According to the youngest Kap kid, the worst Dad joke of the week award goes to Walter Duffy. When I asked him on behalf of one of our regulars if he had seen Julio, his response was..."Yup, been seein' Julio down by the school yard..." (Paul Simon May 1972). Please see the only exhibit we need this week folks, exhibit 5, two of Worcester's finest and the faces of the Crisis Intervention Team, Officer Angel Rivera and Officer Walter Duffy.

11. And last but not least...let’s get serious for a minute without everyone thinking I’m going off the rails. I'm gonna say here what I tell my kids. Life can really suck sometimes and it certainly has for many as of late. Life isn’t always fair. Life is unpredictable. Things happen that are out of our control and then we’re left to pick up the pieces anyway we can. Sometimes we’re only given one opportunity - one chance - to do the right thing and be a decent human being. Don’t blow it. Get the hell out of your own way, be useful, and put others before yourself every once in awhile, it'll make you feel good. Quit standing around watching things go down and be the solution, not the problem. And for crying out loud, be kind. There's no excuse for being a jerk, so strive not to be one. It's that simple.

Have a great weekend!