Your Weekly Pandemic Antics it's Halloween Week!!! (10-29-2020)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics it’s Halloween week!!!

It’s Halloween week people, hope you’ve treated yourselves to a bag or two of not so reduced priced Halloween candy. In addition to the festivities of Halloween, keep in mind that it is also Day Light Savings Time. So, after you’ve over indulged yourselves in your reduced priced candy, don’t forget to turn your clocks back…I wouldn’t want you to miss out on our days ending in complete darkness by 5pm. I know, I know, I’m a giver, you’re welcome. To start this weeks antics, please see exhibit #1. Jim Burns…try to keep up. Here we go…

1. Clowns. As a rule I hate clowns. Sorry to offend anyone, but I’ve got no use for them and they creep me out. Let’s back track to the early 1980’s at the Boston Garden attending the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus with my brother and my Dad. When my 9 year old self was leaving the house to attend this event I was given one job. One Job, by none other than Sue Miller. Her instructions were, “Do not let your Father lose your Brother.” In the Garden we went, up in the nosebleeds no less, plugging along, and low and behold, a clown comes up in the stands looking for little kids to go down on to the main floor of the Garden and take a ride in some clown car type thing. Creepy, right? And off my oblivious little brother went, because I was no fool and was going nowhere, all while our Father didn’t bat an eyelash and said something like, “sure…go have fun…” Fun? Fun I ask you? Absolutely-friggin-not, yet off his little 6 year old self went. Struck with fear, not only by the clown, but by what Sue Miller would do to me should we return without the Prodigal Son, I was burdened with the task of keeping my eyes peeled so as not to lose sight of the little monster while prancing around with said derelict clown. And yes, I was convinced he was probably just released from clown prison. My Brother was none the less returned to us unharmed and unscathed, however, I was scarred for life.

2. So, I hate clowns, yet you’ve all seen exhibit #1. Life has a funny way of messing with you. Despite my hate for clowns and gore, the middle kid loves horror movies, and all things creepy - I’m not exactly a fan, and with that said, I think this only speaks to the ongoing angst and discord that goes on between middle child and myself. What started with Georgie from “IT” out front for Halloween, soon morphed in to the addition of Pennywise. Please note, Yes, I admit I did create both, but, I did so to show my appreciation for the things that make the middle kid tick. As a result, I now scare the hell out of myself every time I pull in to the driveway. Come Sunday I will be using the extra hour daylight savings is gifting us with and will be setting Pennywise, that crazy son of a bitch, on fire.

3. Edie update. Went to see her yesterday with the youngest Kapacziewski in tow to be my witness to the foolishness. She was hand delivered her bags of candy as well as cookies. Her response, “ unless there’s booze in this bag, I don’t want it….” As she stuffed the bags of candy in to the walker caddy with all her other stolen stuff.

4. Toilet Paper. Big news people. Sue Miller informed us last weekend that she’s been stocking up making her weekly runs to Shaws and BJ’s. She told us that she has 140 rolls of toilet paper. This is not necessarily a Pandemic thing, this is just Sue Millers thing. She likes to buy in bulk and likes to stock up. This brings us to Saturday night. No one in my house could’ve cared less where I was, but you guessed it, I was out on my deck, visiting with Leaf Blowing Joe’s better half Jen who was strategically stationed in the driveway. We decided to do some math. If you’re a 75 year old woman, living alone, we estimated you may use one roll of toilet paper every 3 days. Despite being totally sober and not an ounce of alcohol in site, we couldn’t do the math and facetimed Sam…because that’s the call every 21 year old college kid wants … a call from his Mother and the neighbor with a math question about toilet paper on a Saturday night. Well, that high priced Bentley education has paid off people…in the event Sue Miller decides to give up her hobby of big box store shopping, and our calculations are correct, she has a 420 day supply of toilet paper. I’ll be sure to keep you updated.

5. Okay, so you all know about Bug Zapper Leaf Blowing Joe, well here’s another neighbor – those of whom I will not name – also provide us with endless hours of entertainment. This limber spiderman-type likes to spend his Sundays roof top leaf blowing the leaves from the roof and gutters. You know it’s going to be a glorious day when you hear his wife yelling at him, in Albanian, for leaf blowing their roof like he’s some kind of leaf blowing ninja…just walking around up there like that’s what we should all be doing in our down time. It makes her nuts. Jen next door and I may have popped some corn to enjoy while watching that show as well as downloading our English to Albanian app so we could pick out all the swears. It was a fun afternoon. Just wait until it starts snowing. He’s up on the roof then too.

6. Speaking of snow. All I’m gonna say is, are you kidding me? Possible snow on Friday? Well, I give up. Just bring it already Mother Nature. I’m not afraid of you. And now, for the first time in my almost 26 year career at ESW, I will not have to call Mary Parenteau when there is any sign of precipitation coupled with a freezing temperature of 33 degrees or below, that may cause the slightest possibility of black ice or frost or flurries or freezing rain or high winds or blizzard conditions. Why you ask? Because we continue to work from home and I’m guessing she’s not gonna buy any of that if I try to call in, from home, to say I can’t work from home, because of the weather. I anticipate my weather anxiety to be at a dull roar this winter, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll come up with something else to worry about.

7. Unfortunately I have to report that my plans to remain on the deck throughout all weather that New England has to throw at us has greatly failed this week. The weather has sucked and has messed with my outdoor workspace. But as I mentioned, Mother Nature doesn’t scare me and I will push through this minor set- back. I’m disappointed to report the coldest I could handle this week was 43 degrees. I will be better people. I will weather proof, and Friday, I will be out there in the snow…even if it kills me. If all else fails, maybe I can try Parenteau’s patience and call in due to difficulties commuting to my deck? Something to think about.

8. The great potato peeling incident of 2020. Thank goodness that softball season ended last weekend because Meri may have been on the bench due to a potato peeling injury. I kid you not… she just about lost her mind when she suffered a minor flesh wound to her thumb while peeling potatoes…you would’ve thought she was going to bleed out on the kitchen floor as she threatened to lose consciousness. After her extremely slow recovery, she then proceeded to swear off the potato forever. Who would’ve thought that the now banished from Asbury Road potato would make the antics two weeks in a row. I bet the pumpkins are pissed.

9. Pumpkins and chipmunks. Clearly the fear that Harley thinks she put in to the gang of chipmunks after the untimely demise of one of its leaders, was short lived. They. Are. Everywhere. Nothing like starting your morning, opening the back door, and all dogs racing to the deck in attempts to catch the tiny intruders as they prey upon the pumpkins that have been so festively placed at our back door. If it’s not the chipmunks it’s those dirty rotten rat bastard squirrels who are also part of the rodent mix. They’ve banded together people, listen to the dogs, they’ll tell you, they’re all shifty.

10. Squirrels. Squirrels are brazen and don’t let them fool you. They’re collecting nuts and berries and seeds and whatever else they can find. Here in the Woo it’s not uncommon to see squirrels the size of cats running across your lawn with a slice of bread or a full take out menu. If they’re not stocking up, they’re playing chicken with the traffic. Who knows what’s going through their minds, but I can tell you this…they don’t have 420 days of stock-piled toilet paper. Either way, they can’t be trusted.

11. And for you bonus this week kids…be kind. Especially if it snows. People are bound to lose their minds. If all else fails, feel free to swing by Asbury Road, get creeped out by Pennywise and Georgie on my lawn, which if it’s Sunday, will be ceremoniously set on fire in the fire pit. As we sit by the fire that has engulfed the creepy clown, we can have Joe fire up the leaf blower, do mundane useless math problems with Jen, and pop some corn and watch it all go down across the street while my neighbor decides to mess with his wife and get back up on the roof. Who needs t.v. when you can hang out with us?

Have a great weekend!