Your Weekly Pandemic Antics It's Almost January the 8th, Elvis's Birthday Edition... (1/7/21)

Weekly Pandemic Antics it’s almost January the 8th, Elvis’s Birthday Edition…

Well kids, we’re in a new year. Halleluja. Hate to say it, but down here on Asbury Road we all woke up on January 1st and not much had changed from December 31st. Silver lining, I woke up on this side of the dirt, am still breathing in and breathing out, so it’s all good in the hood. Keep pushing forward peeps and doing what you do and it’ll all work out…here’s what I’ve got to start off the Antics for 2021…

1. We started the first day of the work and school year with no wifi…we weren’t the only ones, it was all of West Side, Paxton, and other various areas of the Woo. No wifi means no work for me, no work for you, no work for my husband and of course, no school for Meredith. She had said a prayer the night before that her teachers would not have wifi resulting in an extra day off from school. Prayers answered. The kid was heartbroken…please see exhibit #1.

2. What do you do when you don’t have wifi and can’t work? You clean closets, find bills and paperwork from 2012 and beyond, and spend the day feeding the shredder. If you don’t have one, get one. Highly recommend the therapeutic benefits of sending your papers in to the abyss to be shredded. However, like a chain saw, take caution, you will be tempted to shred everything in sight. I give it a few more days before I realize I may have shredded something important. If you’re a loyal reader of the antics, you’ll remember I shredded our stimulus check over the summer.

3. Pot Belly Pig Dog…her daily antics continue. She props her almost 60 lb self up on the back of my couch, wedging herself in to our front window. There she sits. There she waits. There she drools up the windows. Her nemesis and victim of daily harassment is Carl. Carl is the Golden lab mix who lives up the street. Spoiled Carl gets walked several times a day by his owners, as well as a dog walker. Pot Belly is clearly annoyed by the snobbery that Carl oozes when he prances, nose in the air, by our house with the dog walker. I should mention that Carls owner is also a State Trooper, but Pot Belly has no respect for the law, therefore, she doesn’t care that she’s not only verbally abusing Carl, but also Trooper so-and-so, when he’s at the opposite end of Carl’s leash. In Pot Belly’s defense…who the hell names their dog Carl? No wonder she doesn’t like him.

4. In case you haven’t heard, Amy Bullett’s trash/recycling bin fell victim to a hit and run this week…the only additional info I have on this is that it happened on trash day, and there’s absolutely no solid evidence that I’ve stepped foot in Holden in weeks. And they say vandalism only happens here in the hood. I’ve referred Amy to Snowblower Joe who I believe has started a my trash bin gets run over every week by my fabulous neighbor support group. Hudson, keep an eye on your bin.

5. Poor Al…Meri and Al have an ongoing battle over 2K, a basketball video game on the xbox. I stay out of it, have no idea how to play, how it works, or how to even turn the system on for that matter. All I know is that Meri kills it and hands him a loss every time they play. They seemed to finish up their game fairly quick on New Years day followed by Meri’s announcement… “Dad’s first rage quit of 2021…once again, I schooled him…” Tough crowd here on Asbury Road.

6. Spag’s…back in the day that’s how I spent my summers…working at Spag’s, with none other than Amy Bullett and our one and only Officer Walter Duffy, and Al was lucky enough to meet me there. While working in the Garden Shop and Door 10, we learned quickly what could and could not, be thrown off the back of a truck, survive, and still be sellable. I’ve implemented this solid piece of life experience in to the daily life of the Kap household – this is referred to as, “what can and cannot be thrown off the back of a truck, according to Spag’s…” If it can survive being tossed off the back of a truck, said item can certainly survive being tossed down the cellar stairs. Al is not, and has never been, a fan of this game, but let’s face it, he’s no fun. Here’s a list of items that have been tossed down the stairs and the outcome should you choose to partake in this fun filled family activity…

· Liquid laundry detergent – please note, messy to clean up but smells good. Worse things could spill in your basement.

· Bag of potatoe’s…only if there’s a basket of clean laundry at the bottom of the stairs or you’ll be finding stray potatoes for weeks.

· Toilet paper, paper towels, paper goods….if done correctly, you can hone your skills and try to get them to land top/label up.

· Canned goods…depends if you mind the occasional dent, again, unless a basket of clean laundry is at the bottom of your stairs.

· Empty laundry baskets – easy

· Glass items…use some common sense people.

· Christmas decorations, outdoor only…far more durable. Tree ornaments, not so much.

· 50 lb bags of dog food – no…trust me on this, don’t try it.

· Dirty laundry…that’s a given. Easy.

· All items you’ve told your children to put away and they have not. Throw it all down the cellar stairs… If they want it bad enough, they’ll go looking for it.

7. Air Plants…not as low maintenance as I was lead to believe…found out the hard way that they do, in fact, need water. (Sorry Phil…)

8. Next door, other side of the driveway, best neighbors ever…yes, I speak of Jen and Snow Blower Joe. Being home for almost 10 months, Jen has become immune to my foolishness. She’s either not following my instructions or is ignoring me all together…she needs to work on her flashlight signal skills. When I try to signal her via flashlight at 11pm from my kitchen to her tv room window, she just pulls down the blinds. Get it together Jen.

9. Now that Al’s changed his work schedule to 11 am to 7 pm, he has the time to sit in on and listen to inservice…Phil, Sean and Catherine…I made sure he listened during our patient ping training so I can bother you less. Sean…you’re still in charge of keeping track of when I’m on call. It takes a village people.

10. Pot Belly so far this week has knocked out three pickets to our fence when she’s decided to remove herself from the front window and grace the neighborhood with her outside presence. After all, Carl needs to feel her wrath in person, not just from behind drooled upon windows. Now that Al’s changed his work schedule, he has all this extra time in the mornings to go outside and nail the pickets back in, or bug me by telling me all he’s accomplished so far before he’s started work. Josie has been upgraded to favorite dog status.

11. And for your bonus this week….only 20 weeks and 4 days until Memorial day, the official start of summer…wear your masks, social distance and follow the rules so that we can enjoy the summer without mask shaped tan lines.

Have a great weekend!