Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Inauguration Week Edition...(1/21/21)

Well kids, the transition of power has happened and changes are underway. In keeping our weekly antics as nonpolitical as possible, unless of course speaking of the band of hibernating squirrels and chipmunks who plot against Harley as we speak…let’s hope this country gets its act together. I hope you all heeded my Sue Miller – esque advice and went out and did something good for someone last weekend. If you didn’t, there’s still time. Every day’s a new day, so get on it. Here’s what I’ve got...

1. You can’t flimm flamm a flimmer, especially when the original Flimm Flammer is none other than me. I know all the tricks, so don’t mess with me, and for the love of God and all that’s holy, do – not – lie – to – me, because, it will not end well. I’ve asked to have that little tid-bit put directly on my business cards, but apparently that’s frowned upon. And please note, one should not start their investigation interview that way, apparently the powers at be don’t approve of that either…honestly, nothing like sucking the fun out of everything.

2. When you arrive at a home visit during COVID times, suited up in all your PPE gear and official-ness about you, after asking all your COVID questions, one would think that would give you at least some presence of authority, as in, maybe you shouldn’t be messed with, as stated above. But no, it doesn’t work that way. They still lie to us people…directly to our faces. They look deep in to our souls through our face shields and lie like the world’s coming to an end. No one cares that we’re dressed in PPE and have our ESW badges hanging from our necks. They are not capes and shields. NO ONE CARES.

3. Lies lies and more lies. Is there anyone else living here? No (Lie- Who’s that sitting on the couch then? No idea, never saw that guy before.) Do you own this house? Yes. (Lie) Did you call the police today for a break in? No. (Lie - the police are on your lawn…). Have you ever been arrested for drug possession? No. (Lie – the cops on your lawn ratted you out.) Have you been drinking today? No. (Lie, you’re holding a beer…) Help me, Help you.

4. When the Plumber calls you to tell you that the work has been completed at Liar Liar Pants on Fire’s house, but then nonchalantly says, ummmm…did you by any chance check out his basement? Then proceeds to tell you what he found in the basement and you don’t sound the least bit shocked or phased with what he’s told you…this is what we call “jaded”. Nothing surprises me anymore people, let’s just leave it at that. Garabeian Plumbing deserves a gold star after yesterday…

5. Dad Jokes – Meredith would like you all to know that she can’t take much more of them.

6. 2K…(video game mentioned in last weeks antics…keep up people…) still no improvements on that front. Meri is still schooling Al, I don’t think he’s won once since last week, and her latest mocking lingo includes… “That’s right…put it on skates!!!” ( not sure what that means, but funny to listen to…)

7. When I don’t answer my cell phone fast enough and Marshall starts calling my house phone and Al answers…that’s when you can hear Meri say, “HA! Joke’s on you Dad…” because if you know Marshall, that means he’ll be on the phone for at least 30 minutes talking about his frozen chickens.

8. For you suck ups in the group, and you know who you are, no need to concern yourselves with ever hearing about my yearly review beginning with… Lisa Kapacziewski, is a joy to supervise…” Just keeping it real people, you’re welcome.

9. The eldest Kapacziewski has vacated the premises and returned to school. The youngest Kapacziewski has not yet vacated the shared bedroom with the middle kid. Middle kid has just served Meri a 2 day notice to quit. I don’t think it was put that nicely. It may have said something like, get the hell out.

10. Hannah – Hannah is our oldest dog who has just about had it with the shenanigans and anarchy that the other mutts in this house cause. She’s also disgruntled that her kid left her to go back to school. This moving in/moving out, coming home for breaks are hard on Hannah and hard on my wallet. It’s early yet, but last time Sammy left to go back to school it cost me a set of queen sized sheets, a queen sized comforter, and a baby gate that I learned the hard way, to always make sure is up to bar her access to his room for about a week after he leaves. (or deserts her, depends on who’s telling the story…)

11. And last but not least I will end with this…save yourself the time, the trouble and the headache of being a jerk and just be a good person. It takes far less energy to be a decent human being than it does to be a shmuck. Be kind and honest people – it’s far less work.

Have a great weekend!