Your Weekly Pandemic Antics In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb Edition...(3/3/21)

Well kids, the Groundhog tried to warn us that despite what the new age meteorologists say, that March 1st is Meteorological Spring and March 20th is the Astronomical Spring, that either way you slice it, spring is not early and has no intention of showing up anytime soon. Mother Natures disgruntled sister of the Northeast continues to rear her ugly head as she showed us her wrath this week with 65 mph winds and bitter cold, while the groundhog sleeps silently in his den. And again, maybe if we showed the groundhog a bit more respect instead of relying on the internet, meteorologists, weather apps and that stupid lion and even dumber lamb, he’d be more inclined to put a good word in for us and get spring here a bit sooner. Maybe next year people, maybe next year. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Going to get coffee to go get coffee. That’s a thing, specifically here in the hood. You want me to go for a ride to go get coffee with you? Fabulous, I’d love to. But give me a minute to brew a pot and prep my travel mug so I’ll have my coffee for the ride to go and get coffee. It is what it is people. That’s the best I can do to explain myself – at least it’s not booze…or is it?

2. Going to get gas to go get gas, is a whole other thing. My long- time friend Helen coined this phrase back in the day. When your needle reads beyond E and you’re not quite sure if you have enough gas to get to the nearest gas station…because we all know that’s when you find yourself in this predicament, you’re nowhere near home, or any gas station you would normally frequent - once you reach the first gas station you see, you pay whatever the inflated price may be to get just enough gas to get you to your preferred gas station to fill up your tank. Don’t act like you haven’t all been there…

3. Here’s another HB original…she hates onions and anything that even resembles an onion. This includes the relatives of the onion; the shallot, the yellow onion, vidalia onion, the red onion, the purple onion, leeks, and last but not least, the scallion whom she refers to as “the onions evil cousin”.

4. Fruit. Know what made its way to my house this week? Hybrid strawberries. Strawberries that taste like a combo of strawberries, banana and pear. If I wanted something that tasted like banana and pear, I’d eat a banana or a pear, or better yet, throw all that fruit in to a fruit salad. There’s a lot of hybrid this and hybrid that being thrown around these days…keep hybrid away from my fruit, it’s unnatural and uncalled for.

5. Throwing balls in the house. Now those of us with children, know that’s a thing. As you know my kids are older now and have outgrown this habit of attempting to defy me and this rule, but, the dogs have not. Hanna got a new set of super bouncy rubber balls the size of tennis balls. Because she is so talented and her boy Sam left her to go back to school, she has figured out how to bounce a ball and catch it herself, providing herself with hours of entertainment. What she hasn’t learned however, is how to prevent that ball from bouncing high enough to break things. So far we’re down a picture frame and a coffee mug. Between the high winds this week and now this possessed ball breaking things, poor Hannah’s not sure what to do with herself.

6. Because of the above and running out of things to break, eventually all rubber balls were taken away this week. Harley ripped her collar off in defiance and started whipping that around. Destroyed items in that tirade include yet another mug and a disemboweled stuffed bear. She can do a lot of damage with her three legged self.

7. In service – even The Pig knows not to bark while our fearless leader Mary P speaks during in service. On days when Josie is particularly annoying and won’t shut the hell up, I’ll be accessing this weeks in service on the j drive and just play Marys PS training on a loop…

8. Meri’s Dad advice for the week…if you pretend not to know how to do something, or consistently do it wrong, Dad will eventually get frustrated and do it himself. “ineptitude is key…” is Meri’s newly proclaimed moto - it’s her way of payback for all of the unnecessary Dad jokes that are being tossed haphazardly around here.

9. Health Class. Oh the joys of being home during remote learning and the things you hear. Believe me when I tell you, the stuff being said in that class is ridiculous. Here are some of the more noteworthy things I’ve heard...

-Remote learning and sitting around all day – you’re all going to get blood clots, stroke out, and die.

-Keep eating sugar and drinking soda – you’re all getting dementia…and then you’ll die.

-You eat meat? You’re getting gout, and then you’ll die.

-we all have virus’s in our nose. Eventually they’ll travel up to our brains and kill us.

-124 billion germs can be transmitted in a 3 second handshake – when you’re back at school touch nothing and no one, ever again, or you’ll get sick and die.

-Kitchen sponges will eventually kill us – they transmit flu, stomach bug, and salmonella (that I can get behind, sponges are gross…)

-Athletes foot…wear your flip flops in the shower or you’re getting athletes foot, and then after some horrific foot deformity - you guessed it - you’ll die.

Please see exhibit #2. Meri’s support system during health class.

10. And with the preparation of the WPS kids returning to school,( hybrid 2 days a week which results in 4 in person days prior to then being off for April vacation), is the completion of health forms. I’d like to think as a hard – working professional (and I use both terms hard working and professional loosely…) one would think I’d be able to complete such tasks with ease. Well of course I can’t. I can’t open or save or edit and save again and then send the forms in. Andrea – if you’re out there and actually reading this, this is all you. I’m texting you the password to the school portal and you can fill out the dam forms. I. AM. DONE.

11. And last but not least…I like what I like and that’s that. Don’t mess with my fruit and don’t try to pull one over on Helen by putting an undercover onion in something and we’ll all get along just fine. Make sure you have gas before you leave the house. Make sure your dogs toys aren’t extra bouncy or you’ll be helping them trash the place. Reach out to a friend when you find yourself especially dumb and unable to fill out simple forms. Don’t leave the house without coffee or a non-alcoholic beverage of your choosing, because you’re a grown up and can take whatever you want to eat or drink in the car. Whatever you do, don’t eat too much meat and limit your sugar intake. Throw away your sponges, don’t touch your face, wear your masks, and don’t forget your flip flops in case you find yourself in need of using a public shower. And, do not, under any uncertain terms, touch anything.

And that’s all I’ve got. Have a great weekend!