Your Weekly Pandemic Antics I Hope You Didn't Screw Up Mother's Day Edition...(5-13-2021)

Well kids, I hope those of you who needed to, read last weeks antics and heeded my advice. If you didn't, I don't know what to tell you, not all can be saved. This has been quite the week, and despite it being a non full moon week, all have been off the rails. I believe I quit about 17 times by 10am on Monday when I was unceremoniously asked by someone 500 times why there wasn’t more I could do to prevent the birds, who live in nature, from bothering him. Once again I have been heard saying out loud more than once, I just can't make this stuff up. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Friends, we all have them. The friends who are the voice of reason, that say, oh no, please don’t do that, and others who say, hey why not…just do it and worry about the consequences later, and those that are like, I’ll cover your bail. These three groups are very important. You will need all of the above at some time in your life, choose wisely.

2. In some cases your cousins, your cousins cousins, and/or your cousins cousins cousins fit the bill of all of the above and will be the only ones you can rely on. And yes, your cousins cousins cousins are a real thing, especially if you’re Irish, so don’t question me on this one.

3. The oldest Kap kid has hit the road and started his cross country trip with his buddies. You all know, and I know that I’m one step from having a GPS tracker implanted not just on him, but all of his friends too. As this is seen as illegal and I can’t find a vet who will implant a microchip on my children as they do my pets, I’ve had to settle for the “location” thing-ie on our shared iphone plan. That kid knows that should he ever disengage that share my location thing I will get myself on a plane, go to the last place I knew where he was and hunt him down. I don’t care how old you get, I’ll always want to know where you are - don’t mess with me.

4. Now’s a good time to mention one of our fearless leaders Laura LeBlanc…little known fact…when Parenteau’s on vacation and Laura is by no choice of her own put in charge of me, I always share my location on my phone with her. What can I say? I’m a lot to manage and I’ll be damned if I wind up missing in the woods in Barre somewhere.

5. Tip of the week…when you start getting comfortable using Venmo, and find you think you can do so even when your teenagers or any available teenage for that matter, aren’t around, be careful not to accidentally add an extra zero or two to a payment you are attempting to make. Make sure you have the address of the recipient correct or you could be accidentally funding your local drug dealer, PTA, or in home underground DIY outfit. You make one mistake, you will never get any human customer service representative to help you, ever, and next thing you know, your new best friend is the ibot messenger that Venmo tries to make you think is a real person. You will get locked out. You will be banned from using Venmo ever again. There will be no resolution despite what your new bestie ibot Janine #765 tells you, because she does not care either. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Venmo does not care and I believe is being run entirely by robots.

6. Venmo ibot Oscar # 385. He was a jerk and did not appreciate the colorful language I used when it was made abundantly clear there would be no resolution to my issue. Ibot Oscar will not be put on my Christmas card list any time soon. Ibot Oscar sucks.

7. Speaking of customer service. I was privileged to be schooled on what customer service means to a 97 year old WWII veteran this week folks, and let me tell you something, I would’ve paid good money to be a fly on the wall and watch it all go down. God love the sales rep who messed with and disrespected this guy, because I’m sure their head is still spinning. Fun fact kids…just because you’re old doesn’t mean you're confused or incapable. This gentleman owns several properties, manages his affairs, lives alone, owned not only one, but two of his own businesses, and as he put it, “was shot at and survived WWII, I wasn’t letting them bully me in to buying some fancy iphone when all I wanted was a new flip phone. I wasn't leaving there without one...." and sure enough he got what he went in for... BAM – take that Verizon mobile. "just because I'm old, doesn't mean I'm stupid..." WWII guy, my new all time favorite client.

8. Big news people…in addition to the gas shortage some are experiencing in this country, big announcement this week was that Chick Fil A is now experiencing a shortage of their special Chick Fil A sauce. Hoard wisely, or come see the youngest Kap kid…she has a secret stash.

9. In case anyone’s wondering, Sue Miller has made sure that I texted Sam 5,000 times since yesterday to make sure that he and his travelling buddies have gas. Her wheels are already spinning about how she’ll get that kid and his friends home should they find themselves on the side of the road after running out of gas because he didn’t listen to his Grandmother.

10. It always does my heart good when I know that we work with people who can laugh at themselves, or more importantly, at their co workers in midst of a crisis. If you can’t openly make fun of your co workers, who can you make fun of? Please refer to Walter and Angel for this one.

11. And last-but-not-least…heed my advice. Fill up your gas tanks. Keep your shared location on your phone. Make sure you have snacks and water. I know you all have stupid Venmo now, but there’s a lot to be said for keeping some cash on you at all times and at least a twenty in your pocket – because when gas is being hoarded and all the bank machines go down and everyone everywhere is off line and your cell phones don’t work and your Mother thinks your missing and rounds up her cousins and her cousins cousins and cousins cousins cousins to take an impromptu road trip across country to find you and your friends, when she does find you old school without the iphone shared location thing, she is going to be good and pissed. And all children young and old everywhere know, if Mom’s not happy no one’s happy. And p.s. boys....read the weekly antics!!!

Have a great weekend!