Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Halloween Edition (10/22/21)

Well peeps, I’ve learned my lesson. So much for trying to spread some good cheer and words of wisdom your way in place of my sarcasm in the weekly antics. I must’ve received at least 5 calls, 3 texts, a surprise visit from my childhood friend, and a carefully worded letter, all inquiring about my overall mental health and stability. So to answer those questions…I am fine, unfortunate for all of you, that was not my last weekly antics… yes, as far as I know I’m healthy, not dying, and so far am not going to prison. So for crying out loud people, I’m back to my usual self and will avoid saying anything potentially meaningful or worth reading ever again. So here’s what I got….

1. Halloween candy…Ok people, so Edie’s got a sweet tooth…Despite her claiming she’s got the “sugar diabetes”, which she clearly does not, I know that’s fact, as I manage all of her stuff medical, I used to do her weekly grocery shopping, and for all my years so far on this planet, I’ve known her to have a huge secret stash of chocolate she shared with no one. So I think I’m being nice by sending her a care package of Halloween candy, which by the way, was not as discounted as it should’ve been due to our current state of affairs with Halloween, and what happens? I get a call from the nursing home telling me Edie says she can’t have sugar, because she’s got “the sugar diabetes…”. Me: “No she does not.” Nurse: “Well she says she does.” Me: “Well I’m telling you she doesn’t, look in her chart”. Around and around we went. Nurse: “If she’s diabetic, what should we do with the candy?” Me: “She’s not diabetic.” Nurse: “Well she says she is.” Me: “I DON’T GIVE A RATS A…WHAT YOU DO WITH THE CANDY. SOMEONE JUST EAT IT ALREADY.” I’m gonna start recording some of these conversations just to make sure they really happened.

2. Edie. Candy. Halloween. Again. New Nurse this time. “Edie wants to know why you haven’t sent her any candy.” Me: “Well, I did.” Nurse: “Well, she says you didn’t.” Me: “Well, I did, and she decided she’s diabetic and can’t have it.” Nurse: “Oh, she’s diabetic? Why would you send her candy then?” #clawingmyowneyesout

3. Call #3 from the Nursing home…you guessed it, it’s about the Halloween candy. Nurse: “Edie said she’s got the sugar diabetes and can’t have the candy.” I say nothing. I have given up. I silently hang up the phone pretending the call never happened. Nurse #3 has broken me, I may have decided screw it, and sent Edie booze. Let’s see how they like that. I bet all of you ten bucks I don’t get one call when that package arrives. Win for Edie. I think this was all part of her evil plan to wear me down.

4. My buddy Marshall…haven’t talked about him in a while. Last Friday was our annual trip to the Farmers Market. (thank you Jim Burns…) Marshall likes to wait until October so he can stock up on potatoes because every 80 lb 75 year old man needs 20 lbs of potato’s and 10 lbs of carrots to get him through winter. I kid you not…first thing he says to me when he got in my car…. “Lisa….Did you send your Grandmother any Halloween candy?” I cannot make this stuff up.

5. Price Chopper. Price Chopper sells bags of frozen chicken. Whole chickens. Chicken thighs. Chicken legs. Chicken wings. Chicken drumsticks. How do I know this you ask? Marshall. Marshall is how I know. Let there be no mistake that Marshall likes the chicken drumsticks, and the chicken drumsticks only. They’re sold in 4lb bags in the frozen food section. When Marshall gets the chance to go to Price Chopper for his “chickens”, he buys all of the chicken drumsticks that are in their freezer, you know, in case there’s a chicken shortage. This is not a pandemic phenomenon, this is just Marshall, he’s been doing this for as long as I’ve known him. I’m happy to report that we left Price Chopper with 8 bags of frozen chicken. 8 bags…that’s 32 lbs. of frozen chicken. 20 lbs of those frozen chickens are now taking up residence in Sue Millers basement freezer because the freezer space in the Colony apartments do not accommodate 32 lbs of chicken.

6. In case you’re wondering…should you ever purchase frozen chicken wings instead of drumsticks or legs or whatever from Price Chopper, frozen chicken can be returned…I know because I have learned this the hard way, will pay better attention, and never purchase the wrong frozen chicken parts for Marshall ever again.

7. This brings me to microwaves. How long do you suppose the average lifespan of a microwave is that’s being used to cook frozen chicken, potatoe’s and carrots every single day? Two years. Two years is the longest Marshall’s been able to keep a microwave without it finally giving up and setting itself on fire. Parenteau can vouch for this – don’t ask how she knows, she just does.

8. Another lesson about chickens…when storing said over stock of chickens in Sue Millers freezer, tell Marshall to keep his mouth shut about it, because if you don’t, and he calls her to check on his “chickens”, she will think there is now a live chicken being housed in her basement. And she would believe this because of my history with bringing animals home. That was a whole 45 minutes of my life I’m not getting back.

9. Potato, Potata, Potatoes…the discussion one has during a random roadside visit from none other than Leah Hazard. This was the day after the photobombing fly took our interest during the Vice Presidential debate. Years from now no one will remember what was debated, all we’ll remember is the fly. This is what happens when you’re in the public eye. For example…when someone mentions Dan Quayle do any of you immediately say, hmmm, Dan Quayle was our 44th Vice President serving with President George Bush. Dan Quayle was a United States Senator. He was an Attorney. He now lives in Arizona. NOOOOO all we remember is his misspelling of the word potato. Go ahead, I dare you. Google him. DAN QUAYLE see for yourself.

10. Okay, so back to booze. Anyone watch the latest Worcester School Committee meeting? Talk about clawing your own eyes out, I don’t know how the committee members do it. You want results? Stop letting the callers talk on and on and on and maybe the meetings won’t last like 5 hours. Then, accept the offers of your local friends and neighbors who are willing to do a packy run for you, on a Monday night no less, because quite honestly, no one knows how any of the committee members have remained sober through all this. No judgement here. Everybody’s struggling.

11. And for your bonus this week kids…It’s my responsibility to inform all of you that my buddy, Bug Zapper Joe, who lives next door and is my partner in crime in all things mischief embarked upon here on Asbury Road, has the honor of having seasonal nicknames. From now until the first snow fall he will be referred to as “Leaf Blowing Joe”. Please note this accordingly.

Have a great weekend!